When Business Meets Technology

Normally I don't get comment on technology news, because honestly, it's pretty boring. Uncle Jimbo used to be a technologist, now I'm just an uninspired blogger with a fantasy football team that plays like the Steelers. However this story is particularly ironic (which we all know is a monkey and bottle of hot sauce away from being sarcasm.)

It sure can get ugly when changes to technology make it look like Lo Pan got busy on your business plan. It can also make strange bedfellows. Case in Point: Symantec and McAfee.

So let's see, they're getting all pissed because Microsoft has closed the last (sic) "huge" security hole in their operating system thus eliminating the need for their products. Now it's not beyond the Kingdom of Gates to try and screw every other software manufacturer out there. But let's be serious, this one actually makes sense.

The best part of this article is the quote from a "Symantec spokesman". And I quote: "[Microsoft] is putting the core of the operating system in a lock box." Wait, didn't you just...um...I mean, that's a good thing right? Or are you trying to say it's bad? 'Cause from a consumer perspective it's good. But I can understand why it's bad for you. Good for consumers, bad for business. Ah, I see your dilemma.

Seriously though, isn't a more secure kernel a good thing? I mean, roshambo me and call me Kenny but isn't a lock box more secure? Keeps everyone from screwing with your kernel. Or is this some sort of (virtual) deep-fried lock box that could be easily eaten through by the likes of a Michael Moore worm? I know I don't want anyone messing with my kernel. You can leave it right where it is...untouched.

Man technology makes me almost as sick politics. Almost.

Dude, I Got Subpoenaed. Now What?

Generally I’m a fan of free-for-all capitalize. If you’ve got the best product and you dominate the market, so be it. But there are times when a company may have established their position using this method but then use questionable practices to maintain it. I can’t think of two bigger offenders than Microsoft and Intel. For those that don’t keep up on tech news, AMD is taking Intel to court and companies like Dell are getting caught in the middle. Here’s a great article on how Dell is reacting.

You know, and I know that the lawyers are the ones that decided to start selling AMD chips. And we also both know that there is going to be a special place in the fiery darkness for those lawyers. But who do they think they’re fooling? The sad part is they only need to fool the judge. I can’t believe that the judge is going to fully understand how silly it looks that Dell is selling AMD processors.

So, for the sake of the non-technical judge let’s use a more generic analogy.

So let’s say you’re a judge (Dell), and have been know to take a “present” now and again from an attorney. Now let’s say that someone (Intel) approaches you and suggests that if you only take “presents” from him that he’ll not only increase the size of the “present” but he’ll also make sure to bring you the highest profile cases. Which of course are “good for business”. He tells you that the only stipulation is that you can no longer accept “presents” from anyone else. Sounds like a good deal huh? Yeah, right up until the point where someone (AMD) comes to you with a high profile case and a desire to “do business”. You politely turn him down because of your existing arrangement, only to find out that he’s been turned down by some of the other judges willing to “do business” and is talking about exposing the lot of you.

To avoid the ugliness of being exposed, you let it be known on the street that you’re “open for business again”. But to avoid breaking your exclusive relationship, you either have the cases reassigned or you price your services so high that you make it impossible for someone other than your “partner” to find your services useful.

Now I can’t imagine any judge doing something like that, but does that make sense at all judge? Just a little?

Question of the Week

So here's one to ponder. Let's say that you invent a time machine. Standard theory is that time travel into the future is possible assuming the theory of relativity and something that can move your ass at near the speed of light. I'm not talking about travel into the future. I'm talking about bending or breaking a few rules and being able to send objects back in time.

What do you do with it?

My answer is very simple. I patent it and then I sell it to UPS. Think about it. You get a knock on your door. You answer it and there's the UPS man. He hands you a package. You say, "Hey, I didn't order anything."

"You will."

It's at that moment that the "Power of Brown" marketing campaign will all make sense. (Okay, not really. That's one of the most retarded marketing ploys ever. There's that one guy that says, "Things got a whole lot easier once I plugged into the big brown machine." Um....okay. To each his own. Good luck with that and here's the number for the free clinic.)

I would suggest, of course, that UPS label these packages Plaid. UPS Plaid, when it absolutely, positively, has to be there yesterday. I'd also suggest that the pricing structure look something like this. (All prices list are for a standard 1lb UPS letter package.)

Earlier Same Day: $200,000
Yesterday: $50,000
Last Week: $25,000
Beyond 7 days: $5,000

You know damn well that if someone realizes they need something they're going to act on it right then. Most idiots won't realize they can order it whenever. We reward the intelligent and punish the stupid. That's my kind of pricing model.

Of course we'd probably also have to implement rules so people can't send back winning lottery tickets, or try to ship themselves back (in the process breaking federal and universal laws) to take a mulligan with the girl in New Orleans. Whoa, speaking of the Big Easy, think about all the stuff that would be going back in time because of Katrina. We might see a UPS trailer parked outside Nagin's office. I can hear myself rolling around in the money as I type. Now, where did I put the internet plans for that flux-capacitor.