Round 385,237,456: Us vs. Them

Here is yet another example of how the simple regulation of hiding boxer briefs and ass cracks turns into a squabble over race. If love this statement in the article:

Other groups such as the Advancement Project, a Washington social advocacy organization, say the proposal is directed primarily at black males and could lead to arrests.

No, it's not directed at black males. It's direct at losers who wears pants they can't fill. Buy smaller pants, get a belt, or put on a few pounds. I don't want to see that crap and apparently neither do the people of Florida. At least the AP writer has the intestinal fortitude to use the term "black" and not the vastly more politically correct but potentially inaccurate "African-American".

As a side note, while I don't want to see people wearing pants like that, I've got to believe we're better letting them wear them that way. They'll be easier to catch after the robbery.

[Ed. Note: So there is no confusion. The Us vs. Them in the title is not a reference to fitted pants wearers versus baggy panted losers, or white versus black. It's simply the gifted versus the tards.]

Animals Are Cool....

unless you pay thousands of dollars for health care over their short life span or end up in jail for "accidentally" killing one. I am at a loss to understand the prominence we have bestowed upon animals in this country and the amount of money wasted on keeping them alive. All you animal people are freaks. Period.

Someone I know spent almost $2000 for surgery to remove a hand towel from her dog's stomach. Yes, a hand towel. The dog ate a HAND TOWEL. Shockingly, the dog couldn't pass the towel. Tell me, why are you spending money on an animal so dumb, that it eats a tasteless towel so large it couldn't get the whole thing in it's mouth. My recommendation. Let the dog figure out what it's going to do. Believe it or not, we're now interfering in the evolution (i.e. survival of the fittest) of our pets. That dog should be pushing daisies in the back yard next to the swing set. Not sniffing out it's next meal in the home department at Macy's.

Then there's the other person who spent $6000 dollars on neck surgery for her dog. Um...can it walk? Can it lick itself? Yes? No surgery needed. NEXT! People are so strange.

My personal pet salary cap? $200. If an animal costs more than $200 over it's lifetime (excluding food), it's too much. Call me heartless if you want. We spend all this time breeding animals we know are going to have bad hips, diabetes, and other disorders. But we do it anyway. Because everyone wants the pure breed. People are sick.

Note to animal lover, $15 will get you Mr. Sleepy Shot and all your other costs go away. Think about that next time your animal eats something it can't possibly discharge. Oh, and don't even get me started on dog shows....or cats.

As for the guy that got 4 months in jail for killing his girlfriends cat. I have only one question. How did you not get the job done on the other one?

Unnecessary Signs

We've all seen them, the signs that are posted warning stupid people to avoid stupid actions. For example, I'm getting my hair cut yesterday and I see this sign:

"Please, do not use your cell phone while you are getting you haircut. Thank you."

Seriously, do we really need this sign. I don't know about you, but I'm smart enough to know that talking on the phone and having someone runs scissors around my head aren't a good mix. Sort of like having an all-you-can-eat buffet at the Cannes Film Festival. You know Michael Moore is going to be at the festival, and you know he didn't leave his appetite in the states. It just doesn't make sense, and it's definitely not good business.

Is taking that call during your cut really worth the risk of an Edward Scissorhands moment? So I ask again, do we really need this sign? If I were the provider of said hair cut, I wouldn't bother with the sign, I'd just give the dumb ass a hack job that would make Bill Gates' hair stylist proud. One of two things is going to happen, either the bleeding asshat realizes his mistake and doesn't use the phone again, or he goes somewhere else for his next hair cut. Either way you win. No sign necessary.

These signs are preventing stupid people from learning valuable lessons. That is a big problem for me. Pain, suffering, and humiliation are excellent teachers. They should be used all the time, whenever possible.

Mock The Vote 2006

Kerry should just leave politic, jokes, and other activities requiring higher brain functions to the professions. Way to go John-boy.

Now this one goes to all of you, so-called, politicians. Cut the shit. We don't want you, we don't need you, and we don't much like you. Your barb-filled diatribes are pointless and petty. You come home and you reek of lobby money and special interest whores. If only I could divorce you. Humm.....

That's it. Uncle Jimbo suggests the following voting strategy. Vote out the incumbents. That's right, we continually elect only new candidates, and we keep doing this until things start to change. No exceptions. I don't care how bad the new guy is, they all need to be sent a message.

Now do it. If, on November 5th, all the incumbants are not out, I'm going to find every last one of you who didn't stick to the plan and I'm going to Roshambo you.

Uncle Jimbo Uses Stereotypes (GASP!)

Being hyper-opinionated often leaves me open to attack by those that feel I'm too quick to generalize or stereotype. Well, I'm sorry that you don't like the fact that old people are bad drivers, young woman are psychotic, guys are pigs, and all politicians are drunken sex hounds with the scruples of Charles Mason.

I simply observe the world around me and comment on what I see. The world is too complex a place to not categorize. Sure there are exception to every rule. But for every exception there are a hundred thousand examples of typical-ness.

Let's take Chytoria Graham as an example. It wasn't long ago that I was extolling the "virtues" of clueless parents who were stuffing their kids in car trunks. Well Chytoria here has raised the bar. This sick bitch used her own flesh and blood as a device to inflict physical harm on her "boyfriend".

Indulge me while I play profiler for a minute.

Chytoria Graham, raised (or born into) in a broken home where mom couldn't come up with a 6th girl name so she played Name that Baby with the Scrabble game. Chytoria, ended up on the streets for a few years in her early teens but was able to get herself "straightened out" with a night job at McDonalds, a place to stay with Bubba, and a muffin in the oven.

Chytoria has had more boyfriends than jobs, and she's very thankful that only four of them knocked her up (five times). Drugs are most likely involved and she probably weights under 100 pounds. Welfare has been much easier than making fries, and the addition of baby number five means a sweet little increase in the monthly check. She's a middle rung in the ladder of domestic violence, and this isn't the first time she's abused her children. Seen more as a burden, despite the monthly check, she dehumanizes them and the Circle of Losers begins all over again.

Some reading this might be disgusted by my profiling. To you I say, "wake up." THIS is life in America in the 21st century. Others might say that it's easy for me to be critical, I haven't lived that kind of life. To you I say STFU. There is nothing, in this universe, that could happen to me that would make me pick up a child (let alone my own) and wield it like Conan the F'ing Barbarian wields his enormous sword. The lack of respect for human life disgusts me. But Uncle Jimbo, you're not respecting Chytoria. I respect all people's right to breath, right up until they do something that proves they don't share this same basic moral code. Then all bets are off. In fact, Erie, PA isn't that far away from Uncle Jimbo. I should pay Miss Graham a visit. I'll pick her up, take her down to the local park and hit some batting practice using her as my bat.

This behavior will NOT stop until we take a serious look at the entitlement programs in America and fix them so that they encourage fewer children, provide work for welfare programs, and generally make it simplier to break the cycle. People are lazy, selfish pricks. If they can get free money they'll do it, if they can't they'll probably just steal something. But we should do everything in our power to give them that choice.

The Poor: Problem Solved

Here is an interesting article with some good statistics on the situation of the poor in America. The most amazing quote is this one, "one of every three children—and seven of every 10 black children—are born outside marriage." What can this be attributed too? Stupidity of course. But not the one you think. I'm not talking about the stupid guys that act like R. Kelly or the stupid girls that can't find a way to keep their knees from springing apart. I'm talking about the stupidity of our government to think that social reform for the poor can be managed through food stamps, welfare, and other soft social programs with all the crutches in the world but no physical therapy. We can give them fish but we can’t seem to find a way to teach them to fish.

Since we’ve spent decades dealing with this problem without meaningful results I have decided that the government needs to take a different approach. We must begin a coordinated and well executed plan to “assist” our poor, both citizens and illegals, to see that their best opportunity for the American Dream can be found in Canada.

That’s right, we’ve go to get as many people moving north across our northern border as there are moving across our southern border, and then some. The Canadians, with their social systems, and vast natural resources are much better prepared to deal with these people than the tards running our government.

What better time to start than with the evacuation of the gulf coast from hurricane Rita. Let’s start IDing those people who fall below our poverty level, put them on buses and haul their asses to Minnesota. There we can give them border crossing packs with a small caliber hunting rifle, snow shoes, a copy of Hockey for Dummies, an English to French dictionary (just in case), a CD of Bryan Adams’ Greatest Hits, and a map with all the major landmarks identified like the Labatt’s Brewery. Then we point north, smack ‘em on the ass, and send them on their way.

Once we’ve cleared out southern Texas we can move on to other areas of the country, like Southern California. There we need to make sure we’re not looking at income only, but also living expenses. Dumb asses like Michael Jackson and Mike Tyson who have made millions and squandered it all should be put on buses too, but not with little kids. Maybe those two should just have a bus all to themselves. See I figure with a little creative accounting, I can get rid of most anyone I want, like that fat pig Best Grip Mike. I figure he’s made several million on his stupid “documentaries” like Fahrenheit 165: The perfect Internal Temperature of Hot Dogs. Dude’s got to eat at least a $100,000 a month in food. There’s no way his bottom line can be above $19,000. “On the bus Mike, before I take that Twinkie away from you.”

Problem Solved. Damn I’m so freaking smart. This took me, maybe, 10 minutes to figure out. Anybody else got a problem they want help with?

Ricky Williams Was (Almost) Onto Something

I know I'm in my prime earning years, but Ricky Williams and the situation in the gulf coast has gotten me thinking. I think I'm going to have to retire. I need to pursue some of my life goals. I've always wanted to be a marksman. I mean, headshots at 1000 meters kind of marksman. I also see a lot of suffering in the world that I'd like to try to fix. So I thought, hey why not retire and tackle both at the same time. My plan is to develop a new healing philosophy that I'm going to call Ballistic Medicine. I believe, through the appropriate application of high powered projectiles, that I can cure "what ails" most people.

These might be physical pains but, more commonly, these are going to "life pain". The things that drag you down. The things that cause physical and emotional damage. In many cases just suggesting that a large caliber weapon might be able to cure them will...surprisingly...cure them. But on the occasion where the person doesn't realize the source of their pain, or if they happen to be someone's source, a small piece of metal traveling at 800m per second will usually do the trick.

If Cupid can cure a broken heart with a stupid little arrow just think what I can do with an M82A1 sniper rifle. So while I won't be smoking pot or spending time as a roadie for Lenny Kravitz, I will be practicing my skills and trying to find patients.

I'm so committed to this idea I may even think about it again tomorrow.

Come On, What's It Take to Kill a Retard!

As if it's not bad enough that stupid people are saved from certain death every day by the quasi-miracles of modern medicine, completely unnecessary signage, and of course technology, now we have our government preventing the thinning of the gene pool because a convicted murderer couldn't figure out which 'one of these is not like the other.'

Our country isn't going to be destroyed by civil war, terrorists, or the next SARS. It won't be the Chinese war machine, the Japanese economic machine, or the outsourcing of citizenship to India. Our country will fail because in about 75 years the average IQ in the US is going to make Forrest Gump look like Stephen Hawking.

There are only two ways to handle this.

1. As I've stated before, mandatory sterilization of the mentally deficient is a "must have" platform policy for any future political candidate. If they're not willing to start the injections by 2010, I'm not voting for them. And for the love of God, can we start getting some control over the reproductive activities of the people that live off the tax payers. If you are on welfare and you already have six kids (well you're claiming six anyway), you should have you reproductive organs remove. Especially if you can't positively identify the fathers for all of them.
2. Those of us that recognize this problem for what it is need to start making babies. Lots of babies. This appears to the practical, educated individual as a bad way to solve the problem but hear me out. General common sense is that there is a global population problem and that the days of 3-4 children per couple is a thing of the past. Having two children, in essence to replace you and your spouse, seems to be the best approach. In a closed system that would probably work. But in a world suffering from the effects of retard theory (a derivative of chaos theory where entropy is measured by the application of common sense and logic) I just don't see it working. The time has come for us to begin our come back or we're going to be as extinct as the dodo.

Vote YES for mandatory sterilization and make babies. Let me know if you thought War of the Worlds was a wild ride filled with stunning effects, wonderfully compelling characters, and a hint of dramatic irony. I've got special instructions for you.

"We have deserts, but we don't live in them"

That was a funny quote from a great routine by Sam Kinnison.

Living in upstate New York has its advantages. There really aren't any dangerous animals (save the occasional rabid raccoon) and the weather isn't going to crush, knock over, or wash away your house. The same can't be said for many other places in the country.

Take the gulf coast for example. I mean sure you get to live the life of leisure, poling your skiff through the marsh to try to catch the gator that's been eating your chicken, but what about those hurricanes. It's like time-share condos are the southern equivalent to the mid-west trailer park. And some people get hit year after year. I watch some of the interviews of people who've rebuilt their homes several times and all I can say is, "Damn, you're one stupid bastard." I can't even call them unlucky. Getting hit with a tornado is like finding a meaningful scene in Speilbergs' War of the Worlds....highly unlikely. Hurricanes on the other hand are like implausible, unnecessary, over-the-top effects. You know you're going to get it, it's only a matter of when. (Special Note to Steve: If this was a tribute to George with it's flat uninteresting characters, been-there-done-that story, and dialog that would make me want to destroy all humans, then you succeeded. Only thing you missed is that you should have stolen the look of the aliens from Star Wars instead of ID4. A bunch of ass-kicking Jar Jars would have made this movie super sweet.)

So here is my advice to those living in an area that might get hit by the next Cat 5. Move. Oh, you can't afford to move? But you can afford to rebuild your home again? You are retarded. If you can't afford to move try this. Next time a hurricane is on the way, throw all you crap in a boat, strap yourselves in, point it north and get ready for a wild ride. I guarantee you'll end up someplace better than that soggy, craptaularly ill-placed hovel you call home. Trust me.

PSA: Take Back Our Country

I'm only going to talk about this once.

We, as the citizens of this country, have a responsibility to ensure that we don't flush it down the toilet for our children. Well guess what, the tank has already started to empty. We each have to do our part, and it starts today. There are probably dozens of things we can do to improve the quality of life for ourselves, those around us, and future generations, but I'm going to focus on one of them today.

Please, stop giving a rat's ass about anyone you might categorize as a "celebrity." Enough is enough. I didn't care about Ben and JHo. I don't care about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. I don't care about their personal lives or their political views. I don't care who or what they worship or how they lost 15 pounds. And you shouldn't either.

So the next time you see a news (sic!) link with a headline of "Is Britney expecting a girl?", or "Is Eminem poking fun at Olsen twins?" STOP. Do not click the link. Ask yourself, "Is knowing the answer to this asinine question going to make me a better person?" If you answer yes, then get the hell out of my blog, you're an sad, sad person. If you answered no we may still have hope.

Then of course we have all these "personalities" who feel it's their right/responsibility/higher calling/job to educate the rest of us on what's morally right and wrong and what needs to be changed either on a national or international scale. Michael Moore...bite me (on second thought don't; it looks like you've bitten enough people all ready). I don't care what you think. Chuck Heston, take your rifles and shove them up you arse. Actually, Michael...
Chuck... I believe you've met already. Michael take a bit out of Chuck (It's soylent green!). Chuck show Michael the business end of your rifle. We'll all be better off for that celebrity death match.

Can someone please explain to me the desire of the average American to know what movie stars, pro athletes, and musicians do and think. Now you might say, "But Uncle Jimbo, just yesterday you posted a link to a blog by Ronald Moore. Are you playing favorites?" And I would response, "Wow, that was almost a good point, expect for the fact that the blog you're referring to is all about Ron's job (e.g. Battlestar Galactica). Now shut up and keep reading."

It's not that they don't have good and bad opinions like the rest of us. It's that they, and the media, feel that they are somehow more qualified to speak on the matter. As you can see, I'm not singling out conservatives or liberals, pop stars or talk show hosts. I'm also not saying they need to keep their opinions to themselves. I'm saying average-Joe American needs to stop caring about what happens to "America's royalty."

Repeat after me, I don't care:

• that Michael Jackson was found not guilty (mind you that's different than being found innocent)
• that Katie Holmes is considering a switch to Scientology
• what Kevin Bacon thinks about the Iraq situation, (I call that six degrees of not giving a s*@%.)

or even

• if Ben Affleck often rests his scrotum on Kevin Smith's neck (celebrity or not, people should know)

Put down the People magazine, avoid the Entertainment sections of your newspapers and web sites, and change the channel if some celebrity starts spouting off about something other than their latest movie. I promise you, not only will you feel less like you need a shower, but our children will thank you.

Point/Counter Point: Censorship

Hello, I'm Ted Chopel. In this installment of Point/Counter Point we'll be bringing in a guest debater (dare I call him a master?), Colonel Dutch Mustard to address the Counter Point, why censorship is not acceptable in an America founded on freedom of speech and a strong desire to flip-off the royals. Dutchy, as his friends call him, has recently had a blog comment removed for inappropriate and offensive content.

Opposing him is our own Uncle Jimbo with his views on why censorship is sometimes a necessary evil in modern America where pornography, violence, and the inane ramblings of Hollywood personalities and make-believe personae are so readily accessible
to small children and the below-average American. Uncle Jimbo was the blog admin responsible for removing said comment.

Uncle Jimbo, it's your blog, you have the floor.

Thank you Ted. Let me start by saying that the decision to remove Colonel Mustard's post was not made easily. This is after all a free country and I strongly support the idea of freedom of speech. However I do have two general rules with which I will censor the comments and posting on this blog, and should these rules be broken I will undoubtedly be forced to remove the offensive content.

Rule 1.
Potentially offensive material will not be censored assuming it A) makes a point, B) is somewhat amusing, and C) doesn't suck (and there's the rub).

I'm not opposed to risque content, but it's got to have some redeeming value. Even this last sentence borders on inappropriate content since I had to resort to using a French word to make my point.

Rule 2.
I decide whether something makes a point, is amusing, and doesn't suck.

This rule is similar to my controversial view on improving the quality of life through mandatory sterilization of stupid people. In my thesis paper on the subject, I state simply:

"Stupid is defined as anyone not passing the Am I Worthy of Procreating
test. This test is designed, delivered, and graded by me. Period, no exceptions. Everyone lineup, single file."

Applying these rules to the recent post by Colonel Mustard I can only say, in terms even Dutch can understand, that the post stalled at the starting line. Yee-haw.

You're Counter Point Colonel?

Uncle Jimbo you ignorant slut. Firstly, I was told there would be some of them Crispee Creme Donuts here and there ain't. I was asked here under false pretenses. So I am a little #$%!@# angry. Secondly, my friends never call me "Dutchy". I don't know where you got that from. They call me "Colonel" or "Turdy"...but you ain't my friend so you and Uncle Jimbo can call me "Mister Mustard" or "Colonel".

Fourthly, why are we debating free speach here? Uncle Jimbo has made it clear by his "rules" that this forum is monitored and governed by standards he has created and not the standards of our Great Land (that we will call "This Land"). However, even if one considers Roth vs. United States (1957), the Supreme Court of This Land ruled that obcene language was not, in fact, covered by the 1st Amendment. So, even if we pretend the Supreme Court has been consistent since then (see Free Speech Coalition vs. Reno, 1999) you can understand that Uncle Jimbo would still be within his rights to remove my post from his blog.

My question is, in this instance was he right to do so or did he exercise poor judgment. The answer is clearly the ladder. Uncle Jimbo posted no guidelines or rules ahead of time and only started applying rules when I started uncovering his childhood traumas. So instead of enjoying the free therapy he censored me.

[Editors Note: The remaining comments from Mr. Mustard have been censored for no good reason.]