The Patriots Got Beat

Surprisingly I've taken the lose in the Superbowl better than I expected. I could spend my time discussing the game, the way the Pats got out coached and out played. Oh, and they still only lost on a late touchdown. But I won't. I do however have two things I need to comment on regarding the Superbowl.

1. The officials didn't get in the way. Seriously, the NFL should find a way to clone Mike Carey. He's the best referee they have, and he manages his squad of official like Michael Moore managing a Big Boy Super Stack (I'm not even sure if Big Boy has something called a Super Stack on their menu, but I guarantee that one exists at the Big Boy frequented by Best Grip Mike.) The NFL already has an anti-trust exemption from the government, maybe they could swing a human cloning exemption as well. Nice job Mr. Carey. Thanks for not ruining the Superbowl.

2. To every fan, broadcaster, and blogger in the known universe that uses the phrase "New York Football Giants", shut the fuck up. They are the New York Giants. The adjective "Football" hasn't been needed since 1957. That's 50 freakin' years. If you say New York Giants, no one is going to think about baseball. Period. Do you also say the "St. Louis Baseball Cardinals"? No. I rest my case. So from now on, to avoid confusion, I'm going to call them the New Jersey Giants.

Congrats to the New Jersey Giants for a great post season run. Good game. (Even if Eli is a putz.)

PS. Greg Easterbrook, you are an egotistical hack, how ESPN publishes your dribble is beyond me. You're as coherent as Tommy Mapother on a six pack of Red Bull ("drugs are immoral....but that Red Bull tastes GREAT!"). What I can't figure out, is that you have such distain for the Patriots, yet you keep giving individual Patriot's players recognition. You're one wierd bird. In the end, I hope you run into Stephen Gostkowski on the street where he gives you a 50 yard kick to the junk.

Priceless Pep Talk for Peyton Manning

So I hear you got bounced out of the playoffs. That's too bad. So tell me what sucks more, that your little brother made it further than you did, or that you're going to have to watch Brady hoist another Lombardi trophy.

Brady taking that TD record away probably doesn't help either, does it? Still sort of interesting though that Brady was able to win three Superbowls with some fairly average talent at RB and WR. I mean, they won one with Antowain Smith and Troy Brown as their two big "weapons" (don't get me wrong Troy Brown has had a good career, but he's no Marvin). Huh, now that I think about it you just lost to SD and they were without their three best offensive players. But fear not, there are a bunch of "one and done" QBs out there. Like Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson. And hey, you can also always look down on Captain Futility, one Jim Kelly.

But shucks, it doesn't matter does it. You have all sorts of time to do the things you enjoy. Like practice your new pre-snap hand gestures or work on Madden 08. Hey, does Brady kick your ass in that too? Oh, probably not. When he's not playing football (for the 6 weeks between the Superbowl and mini-camps) he's out scoring with hot chicks, not dorking around with video games. Sorry, just a random thought. You've also got that ad career going to don't you. Like that one where you're the Sony TV pitch man.

You know the one, where you come into someone's house uninvited, say "hey, that's a Sony TV", and plant your ass on the couch while pulling the "make room for me because I'm the King of So Close". If you pulled that in my house I'd slider over, hand you a beer, and then punch you in the junk as hard as I could. Beer spillage or not. Oh, and let's not forget the Pep Talk commercial where you suggest those of us with mini-vans should put flame decals or a number 18 on it so it's not quite so lame. The only 18 I'd put on my mini-van is one on the jersey you're wearing as you hang from my grill.

So here's to you Mr. Pouty Face. Here's to you Mr. Head Hung Low Looking For the Manhood You Recently Lost. Enjoy your lone Superbowl ring, and keep it in a safe place. It's going to be your only one.

Boy, I guess Uncle Jimbo sort of sucks at pep talks.


*Picture courtesy of NFL.com and the San Diego Chargers

Ron Mexico: Pot Monster

In what continues to be a huge head scratcher for me Ron Mexico, a.k.a. Mike Vick, tested positive for pot while in the middle of a federal trial. According to a third party, after finding God immediately after his indictment, and despite God's best effort, Vick has repeatedly failed to return any of God's calls. Very interesting given a recent phone interview between Uncle Jimbo and Mr. Vick immediately after the news broke of his positive test. An excerpt is below:

UJ: "Ron, is it ok if I can you Ron?"
MV: "Um...well...I'd prefer Michael."
UJ: "Okay, Mike. Mike tell me why, given all the attention on you regarding the federal trial, the GA state charges and everything else, would you smoke pot. Other than the obvious reason that your a stoner?"
MV: "Well, you see...I didn't smoke it man. I don't know how I tested positive."
UJ: "Interesting. Any brownies? Bottled water? Too much time playing Madden 08 @ Ricky's house? Positive tests from second hand smoke is probably a real pisser huh? Oops sorry for the pun."
MV: "Hey, I haven't been to Ricky's house in like....a couple weeks. Okay, okay. So I smoked a little."
UJ: "Really?! Just a little you hemp herbivore?"
MV: "Okay, more than a little, like..maybe....."
UJ: "Compare it to the number of times you've THROWN a touch down pass in the NFL."
MV: "Oh hell man, shit, a lot more than that. But that's not my fault man, I can't help it, I've got a weakness and my wide receivers suck."
UJ: "Actually you probably can't call them 'your' wide receivers anymore can you?"
MV: "Aw screw you man, I don't have to take this crap."
UJ: "You're right Mike, you don't have to take this from me. But you are going to have to take it from Big Carl when you get to federal-pound-me-in-the-ass prison. Good luck with that."
MV (nervously): "God...yeah, God will protect me and...um...give me strength, yeah."
UJ: "Really, how's your relationship with God going these days. Are you two pretty tight?"
MV: "We okay. We doing okay."
UJ: "Sure, I bet God loves to have three way conversations with you and Mary Jane. I bet that's in his top ten list of favorite activities. #7, Have long meaningful conversations with Mike Vick while he smokes his bong."
MV: "You know what smart ass...I'll tell you what, or what!"
UJ: "Huh?"
MV: "You want to know something about God? (whispering) He....yeah, he himself told me....he told me to smoke the weed."
UJ: "You know what Mike, even if you whisper, he can still hear you."
MV: "#%@ you, he can not."
UJ: "No, seriously Mike. He can hear it all."
MV: "Scratch that last part then man...(crying) I can't help it.....I just love the chronic. (sobbing) Seriously, can you get me Onterrio Smith's number, I need to get my hands on one of those Whizzinators."
UJ: "Mike, whose urine are you going to use?"
MV: "Your-who, what?"
UJ: "Urine. who's urine?"
MV: "Huh?"
UJ: "Never mind, I'll find the number for you."

OH MY GOD, THE PATRIOTS CHEATED!!!

The following are my random thoughts on the Patriots video taping incident (I refuse to call it Patriot Video Games, Videogate, or any other retarded play on words). From the School of Best Grip Mike's Infantile Film Naming, let's call it 30 Frames Per Second Per Fat Guy With Greasy Fingers Acting Like Moe From The Three Stooges.

Given:
1) Uncle Jimbo is a Pats fan. I have been a Pats fan for a very long time.
2) There is a rule against video taping on the sideline.
3) The Patriots video taped on the sideline.
4.) As a Patriots fan, and a football fan, I believe the Patriots and Belichick deserved to be reprimanded.
5.) The Patriots and Belichick were reprimanded.

Thoughts to consider:
1.) We're not talking about spiking the other teams Gatorade, deflating the ball, or kidnapping their best player the night before the game. No one went Gillooly on Chad Pennington, he can handle that all by himself. nothing new here folks, expect the video camera. How that makes this more "offensive" (parden the pun) I just don't understand.

2.) We are talking about using technology to collect information that any one of 80,000 people at an NFL game could acquire. It's a public activity, all the Patriots did was bypass the binoculars and notepad. Did it break the rules? Yes. Should everyone outside Boston be burning hoodies in effigy, I think not.

3.) Like the democrats and health care, the NFL chose to legislate behavior rather than fix the problem. The NFL competition committee voted down a proposal to provide radio communications between defensive coaches and the defensive players on the field. The vote was 22-10, 24 votes were required to pass. The specifics of the proposal may be flawed, but the spirit of the proposal makes a lot of sense. And I can guarantee you that this proposal will pass next year.

4.) Patriot hating, like Cowboy hating before that, and 49er hating before that, had already started. Success breeds contempt. If you're in the camp of getting all worked up over this, ask yourself this: If Herm Edwards and the Chiefs, or Romeo Crennel and the Browns had done this would it still be a big deal to you?

5.) Spying....er....scouting has been a part of the game since it began. And spying....er...scouting has taken many forms. Some of them may have broken written rules, and even more may have broken some unwritten code of ethics and fair play. The fact is, it's part of the game. In my opinion, the video tape rule is flawed in it's fundamental attempt to regulate something, that is most likely beyond regulation. For every rule you write, there are dozens of loop holes that coaches and team will take advantage of.

6.) Plays, playbooks, signals will constantly be under attack. I say, secure the lines of communication and stop wasting time trying to regulate it. If I were Belichick, I'd put an ad in the paper for an autistic, K-mart underwear wearing, card-counting scout with photographic memory. And then wait for the call from the rules committee.

7.) This will not bring about the fall of the marketing machine known as the NFL as this numb-nuts suggests. However, what might bring down the NFL is all this sissified, "oh, they're cheating", he-said/she-said (my apologies for the Terry Glenn reference) finger pointing. How about we focus on what makes this sport great. Large men lining up, knocking the crap out of each other all while trying to get a funny shaped ball into the end zone.

It was so much simpler when you hated a team because of the color of their uniforms (cough....Dolphins), or because their quarterback was an egotistical rookie who looked like Mr. Ed (cough....Broncos).

Oh Look, A Soap Box

I am a man of few vices: cards, video games, and NFL football. It's tough for me, as a man who despises the emphasis this country puts on celebrity, to start spouting off about the problems with the NFL. It is after, just football. But, I'm going to do it anyway because I can, and because it's stupid.

It took me watching all of 5 games over the weekend to find the glaring example of how a multi-billion dollar organization is sticking it to it's fan base. Yes, I've been on this soap box before, but for whatever reason it I just can let it go. And the NFL just ignores it. Sort of like the rain at the Superbowl last year. (Rain? What rain? It didn't ran at the Superbowl. How could it possibly rain at the Superbowl.)

If you haven't guessed already, it's the officiating. Did anyone see the end of the Ravens/Bengals game Monday night? The Ravens got "jobbed" by some part-time zebra who thought that offensive pass interference was when the offensive players jersey wouldn't let go of the defenders hand. Yes, that's right. Not only did Todd Heap not push off to catch the game tying touchdown, but he was being held (and interfered with) by the defensive player. Yet he drew the flag, was called for interference and the TD was taken off the board. The Ravens ended up not being able to put it in the end zone again, and lost by a touchdown. Can anyone say...(cough)..."I'll take the under for $10,000."

Here is an example of a team that was robbed of a chance to win a game against a division opponent on the road. When is the NFL going to get serious about officials and hire full-time people. There is no way these part-timers are investing the time necessary to prepare for games week in and week out. They are too busy saving the lives of coke-addicted starlets and defending hip-hop rap "gangsta's" from gun possession charges.

What's it going to take before someone realizes that big business requires big commitment. Are we going to have to wait until some whacked out Ravens fans stalks down the back judge and shanks him while he's collecting from his bookie?

Full-time officials. Off-season training and work programs. During the week preparation. Is it really that hard? If you're not going to fix it, then at least open these "judgment call" decision up to instant replay. No replay official in the world would have called that offensive pass interference.

Hell NFL, why not just off-shore it or hire some of that "illegal" labor that's so popular in the states. It wouldn't be any worse than the travesty that is NFL officiating.

My New Hero is...

...Tiki Barber. The guy knows what he wants. He's got the money, the recognition, and most of all he still has his health. Like Barry Sanders did seven years ago, Barber leaves in his prime. Not retiring, he's making a life change to pursue other interested. Way to go Tiki. Then the over-paid wind bags of the sports media, many ex-athletes who have either lost perspective or tow the company line in regards to generating news instead of reporting it, decide to voice their opinions on the subject. As if they matter. But the beauty is, Mr. Barber fires back. Michael Irvin, you are his BITCH! But I'm not going to make this about him. this post is about Tiki.

Tiki, congrats for a great career, and good luck with your future endeavours. We will miss you on Sunday afternoon.

Superbowl Recap

Here are my random thoughts on the event yesterday:

• Thank God those lame Seahawks didn't win
• What was with the love handles on Mick's arms?
• I think Madden was using, when is the last time he was that invisible
• Ben, great vision and improv on that deep ball...but the throw still sucked
• What the hell happened to the commercials; this was without a doubt the worst collection of SB commercials in years
• Didn't Seattle have an MVP on their roster?
• Hey Holmgren; I'll be teaching a seminar to high school coaches this summer in clock management, I'll send you an invite
• Does anyone else think Roethlisberger plays like the love child of Bradshaw and Stewart
• Just when you thought the Seahawk receivers had figured out how to catch the ball Jeremy Stevens proves us wrong
• It could have been a lot worse...we could have suffered through a Superbowl with Payton Manning. At least Big Ben knows how to improvise.

I didn't watch all of the post-game show, but I bet the Roethlisberger speech went something like this:

"Wow, this is great....almost as great as having a fathead from fathead.com. I mean it's the trophy. It's like all silver and stuff. Oh, I'd like to thank the organization, my parents, all the people that buy the stuff I do commercials for, and last but not least, I'd like to thank the defense for not putting me in a position where I'd have to win the game. That was really cool. Oh yeah, and thanks to Antwaan for throwing that TD. Made things a lot easier on me. Buy a fathead! Peace out."

Top Ten Sports Management Blunders

Well, it was a rough weekend for the NFL. Three of their most compelling (read here marketable) franchises the Patriots, Colts, and Bears all got bounced out of the playoffs. Now the mostly likely Superbowl matchup facing the league is Denver and Seattle. Which, by the way, is the matchup predicted by Uncle Jimbo prior to the playoffs.

I'll be honest, as a Pats fan it was hard to see them lose, but they made a good run with a lot of guys missing time. And they have three rings (I'll go on record here, saying that that's three more than Peyton Manning will ever have). I'm satisfied. My guess is that Colts fan isn't. Boy do they know how to blow the big game or what. Last year it was "We didn't have home field advantage." This year they get to blame it on a kicker. Much like Bills fan who would still beat down Scott Norwood in the Wegmans parking lot, Colts fan will latch onto the 46 yarder that sliced more than a tee-shot from John Daly on a five-day bender. So what's that make Vanderjerk, the "most accurate kicker in NFL history," in pressure kicks? 0 for 1? Let's see, home field, check. 6th seed opponent, check. Playing for coach who lost his son, check. Best (sic) QB in the league, check. Ass-kicked like the bunch of marginally talented players they are, CHECK. Boy, didn't see that one coming.

But that's not why they lost that game. They weren't even in the game. Manning was doing his best impression of Tony Eason collapsing under the pressure, in fact I think he even got a date out of one of those sacks. The offensive line was as confused as Michael Moore with an empty plate at Old Country Buffet and the defense was, well, they were the Indy defense.

What? You think they were in the game? You say they tried a field goal at the end to tie the game. Well, "officially" they were in the game. But, and here is where I go on my rant, the officiating in this game as with all the games this weekend was a nothing short of a steaming pile. There were missed called. Bad calls that needed to go to replay. Good calls that were overturned by replay. Crap was called and not called that made me jump up and scream at the TV when I had no vested interest in the actual outcome of the game.

Let's see, there was the phantom pass interference on Asante Samuel when he was the one getting pushed. The overturned interception by Troy Polamalu. The "touchdown" by Thomas Jones who fumbled the ball at about the 3. The five or six deep-ball pass interference plays where it was appears the officials had their hands in their pants. And the list goes on...

Note to the NFL, when you get serious about officiating and stop leaving the outcome of games in a multi-BILLION dollar business to a bunch of part-time hacks I'll anoint you the official sport of the Universe. Until then you have a flawed product. It goes on Uncle Jimbo's list of top Ten Sports Management Blunders.

Top Ten Sports Management Blunders
10. Letting Mike Tyson in a ring with anyone other than O.J.
9. Lifting the George Steinbrenner suspension
8. Paying NBA players more money than they could make selling crack
7. Paying marginal pitchers like Kyle Farnsworth $2 million a year
6. Not taking care of the steroids issue earlier, and leaving Barry "stick me in the ass" Bonds and all his universal soldier buddies in MLB record books
5. NBA allowing the drafting of high school players
4. The BCS
3. The NHL lockout (NHL...yeah, you know National Hockey League....yeah, the one with the puck)
2. Part-time NFL officials
1. Managing baseball player salaries like fortune 500 CEO salaries

What are we talking about?

Practice?

This goes back a ways, but in my mind this still goes down as one of the greatest sports sound bites of all time! What a completely illiterate dumb ass. What are we talking about? We're talking about being overpaid....We're not talking about a real job here...earning a real honest living...we're talking about a primadonna. It's not like he's a doctor or something....we're talking about an NBA player here. An NBA player. I mean I get it, I understand.....I really do....they've got is rough....but we're talking about a whiny little, snot-nosed, bastard baby makin', tattooed freak who gets paid millions. THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

Daredevil: The Movie Sucked And So Does the Life Style

If you saw the movie, you know that the only thing that could have improved it was if I was blind (and deaf) and didn't have to experience another pain-filled Affleck performance. Watching a questionable movie may end up causing mental anguish and the lasting feeling of having lost several hours of your life, but it generally doesn't kill or disfigure you. Not so for some of the activities "enjoyed" by those with a daredevil life style. I'm talking about those people who are into extreme sports such as skydiving, hang gliding, and having sex with Cher. I just don't get it. If something goes wrong, it goes REALLY wrong. Really bad things can happen. Like what happened to this nice, formerly attractive young woman. Even when I didn't have a family counting on me to be alive at the end of my weekend entertainment, I chose not to endanger my life senselessly.

I’d even throw bull riding, extreme skiing, and watching an episode of Joey into the mix. My suggestion, find some hobbies that are less dangerous. And for the love of all things human, if you have to do them, don’t do them while you’re pregnant. I have to look at the bright side though, now I can replace the phrase “Looks like someone hit her with an ugly stick!”, with “Looks like her chute didn’t open!”

The Nameless One

I've been thinking about writing for a while regarding a certain NFL player who, on this site, shall forever rename nameless (I'll refer to him as the Clueless One or C.O.) I'm not going to write a single thing about him, I'm simply going to ask the media to stop covering this story like it's important and start covering real football. If I wanted off-field drama I'd watch the DVDs of Playmakers. Stop with human interest pieces and show me some freakin' hits already. And if ESPN doesn't get rid of that talentless ass-kisser Irvin after this year I may have to boycott. Please, please I just want to see Tom Jackson actually tackle him on the set when they run those little primer drills on the fake field.

Hey C.O. good luck landing that long term deal now...Ass.

Is That Wide Receiver Having a Seizure?

I'm watching the game last night (CIN/JAX) and Reggie Williams a wide receiver for Jacksonville catches this 12 yard pass. Then he gets up and starts shaking like he's about to bite his tongue and foam at the mouth. "What the hell is that?", then it hits me. He's celebrating. He's celebrating a 12 yard catch. Dude, YOU GET PAID TO CATCH PASSES. I mean, are you really saying, "Hey, look at me. I just did something that surprised me. Yeah for me."

I'll give them the back flip for their first touchdown, but why do players feel the need to peacock themselves around the field every time they do what they're being paid to do. Then there's that stupid drop-to-one-knee-and-lower-your-arm-in-the-direction-your-team-is-driving first down antics. Yes we know you got a first down, we see the yellow line, now go back to the huddle and see if you can't do it again. And the jawing. Man, are you serious. It was one catch, how about the three others you dropped before that. Shut your hole and be thankful those of us that employ you through our support of your league don't decide that kicks to the crotch are the new "in thing" we want to see as part of team celebrations. Trust me, I could sell it to the NFL.

Can you imagine if the idea of celebrating the little victories in our jobs were translated and adopted by other professions. What if truck drivers stopped their trucks and hopped onto the shoulder every time they drove ten miles. Down to one knee, hand open, arm snaps horizontal....NEXT MILE MARKER! Or the guy that leaps out of his cube and starts flexing in his office-mates face, "Hey, I just finished that Java function. What do you have done? What? Nothing....yeah, you got noth'in. I own you."

Here's some advice from Uncle Jimbo to the average NFL showboat. When you make the catch act like you've done it before and you'll do it again. Act like it's no big thing. Because that's far more impressive than the preening.

Play Football in a French Maid Outfit

Football season is upon us and that can only mean one thing. Fantasy football is killing work productivity everywhere. Years ago fantasy football was for the true football fan. Players would pour over stats in the newspaper and watch all the football they could on three channels. Now you’ve got internet sites, magazines, and television shows devoted to the subject of which player will catch more passed or gain more yards this week. With this influx of information we’ve seen an influx of new players, people that probably shouldn’t be playing, but they’re willing to pony up their $50 or $100 league fee to take a stab. In poker we call them fish; easy money. Unfortunately you have to deal with the issues that these “easy money” players bring with them.

Here are a couple of quick questions you can use to determine if you are a fish (if you answer no to more than one of them then you are probably a fish):

1. Can you name all 32 NFL teams?


2. Can you name the starting quarterbacks for each team?


3. Can you explain the tuck rule in 15 words or less?


4. Would you say that Atlanta is more likely than Green Bay to win the Super Bowl this year?


5. Does Manning play quarterback for New York or Indianapolis?


6. Do you know that special team’s players do not ride a short bus to the stadium?


7. It is more important to watch a game in high definition for the game itself than for the cheerleaders?


8. Jeff George was run out of the league prematurely?


9. If your league bases scoring on REC, ATT, YDS, YPC, YPA, TD, TDT would you not draft a kicker?


10. Regardless of your leagues scoring system, would you prefer not drafting a kicker?

I also thought it might be interesting to outline the different types of players. If you play, you probably fall into one or more of these categories. If you don’t you’re probably not being honest with yourself.

Homer—This player just can’t put his favorite team aside come draft day. Claiming he wants to see his players play he’ll go out of his way to take players from his own team. Often this is also coupled with the concept of not taking players from arch-rival teams. Typical Homers will take players from their team 2-4 rounds before they should have been taken. Homers are dumb. Mostly because the team they follow isn’t the Patriots, but also because they take guys like Willis McGahee with the 2nd overall pick.

Hard Luck Loser—Actually a solid player, the HLL usually comes out of the draft with a team that can compete for the championship. That is until week 2 when his #1 running back blows out his knee. And then his kicker pulls a groin muscle celebrating a meaningless field goal. Of course, any player this person picks up will either get injured or simply under perform. This player is also likely to leave lots of points on their bench when 3rd and 4th tier players have a career game.

Ex-Jock—The ex-jock is the guy in high school (and possibly junior college) that thought he knew everything about girls, cars, football, etc. This attitude, despite his complete failure as an athlete and a contributing member of society, remains. During the draft he’ll rest each of 12 consecutive beers on his gut, while he shovels fists full of Doritos into his mouth. Having no clue, and thinking players have already been selected because of a cheese-stained cheat sheet, he selects players that were in their prime when he was in his. Ex-jocks are the easiest money of all.

Smack Talker—You know this guy. This guy likes to run his mouth pre-draft, at the draft, and during the entire season. He’ll rip on your players, your moves, and your mother. He could be 0-5 or 5-0 and he’ll still find a way to bust your balls. Personally I like the Smack Talker, they’re entertaining easy money who are distracted so much by their smack that they don’t pay enough attention to their team.

Gambler—This is the guy willing to fill his roster with “sleeper picks” and long shots. He’ll draft rookies, high profile backups, and anyone else he thinks he can get cheap and turn into a big find. Problem is there are only about two of those guys each year. Often he’s convinced himself that some of these players are coveted by everyone and he’ll take them rounds ahead of where they should be drafted. Occasionally they’ll win, but more likely they’ll lose and along the way develop resentment towards those players that under perform, like Michael Jackson with little boys...if they don't perform don't invite them over again.

Expert (Self-proclaimed) —No explanation needed.

Dweeb—The Dweeb spends the entire off-season developing and perfecting a points-based statistical system to stack rack each player by position. Also included in the calculations are: home/road records, day/night records, rain/snow records, altitude and heat index rankings, chunky soap cans consumed per week, law enforcement run-ins annually, cell phone calls received in the end zone per game, and total copulations with team mascots. The Dweeb then creates a spreadsheet to manage this complex system and spends hours entering the data into it. The Dweeb is most easily identified by this one simple draft-day phrase, “He’s the best value on my board.” Yeah, but he’s the second kicker you’ve taken in the first 6 rounds. Dumb ass.

(Note: The Dweeb is also likely to try to trade draft picks with you thinking that he knows exactly how the draft will play out and that the 3rd and 22nd picks are going to be more valuable than the 7th and 13th picks. What he fails to realize is that he’s drafting with a bunch of Gamblers, Homers, and other easy money that make all his calculations useless.)

Then of course there are the combos, Smack Talking Ex-Jock, Ex-Jock Homer, and of course the Smack Talking Expert (Self-Proclaimed). I hate them the most.

Ricky Williams Was (Almost) Onto Something

I know I'm in my prime earning years, but Ricky Williams and the situation in the gulf coast has gotten me thinking. I think I'm going to have to retire. I need to pursue some of my life goals. I've always wanted to be a marksman. I mean, headshots at 1000 meters kind of marksman. I also see a lot of suffering in the world that I'd like to try to fix. So I thought, hey why not retire and tackle both at the same time. My plan is to develop a new healing philosophy that I'm going to call Ballistic Medicine. I believe, through the appropriate application of high powered projectiles, that I can cure "what ails" most people.

These might be physical pains but, more commonly, these are going to "life pain". The things that drag you down. The things that cause physical and emotional damage. In many cases just suggesting that a large caliber weapon might be able to cure them will...surprisingly...cure them. But on the occasion where the person doesn't realize the source of their pain, or if they happen to be someone's source, a small piece of metal traveling at 800m per second will usually do the trick.

If Cupid can cure a broken heart with a stupid little arrow just think what I can do with an M82A1 sniper rifle. So while I won't be smoking pot or spending time as a roadie for Lenny Kravitz, I will be practicing my skills and trying to find patients.

I'm so committed to this idea I may even think about it again tomorrow.

Boom Goes His Career in Broadcasting

If you felt bad for Ben Stiller's character in Meet the Parents then I suggest you don't watch this clip. For everyone else, this is one of the funniest things I've seen on the internet recently.

The College Sports Reporter

Did you see that kids ears light up like a cross between Dumbo and Rudolph? They were almost as red as the Colonel's stomach after that 30' belly flop (video coming soon).

I mean how could this guy not do well, he obviously has all the basic broadcasting skills:

• Sweaty palms....check
• sweet teleprompter skills....check
• quality segment to segment transitions....check
• solid paper shuffling skills....check
• catchy highlight phrases....check (or should I say "Boom")
• willing to express his attraction to professional atheletes....check
• Shatner-like dramatic pauses....check
• ability to talk in a way that makes viewers believe their media player is skipping.....check
• no problem apologizing for on the air suckitude....check
• look of complete and utter hopelessness....double check

In a related story, a Ball State college sophomore was found dead, hanging from a camera boom. Although it appears to be a suicide, police are not ruling out foul play. College officials were not available for comment.

Media of the Week

I mean, other than the potential of leaving a floater for someone else to mistake for a water-logged candy bar, I couldn't agree more. Nashua Telegraph

The French would just let this one die if Armstrong drove a tank and spoke German. But no they have to get all pissed off over a bicycle race. Interestingly, the average Frenchman might want to try steroids. I hear a cocktail of 'roids and stem cells has been shown to create spines in lab animals.

Hey Jean-Marie did anyone ever tell you that you have two girls names.

And finally, from a movie that doesn't suck.

Sport or Not? I'll Be the Judge

About every six months or so I'll get into a discussion with someone, an individual or a group, regarding whether or not certain activities should be considered a sport. Initially I thought we could come up with a small set of criteria to measure each activity to determine if it's worthy of the Sport label. It's not as easy as you might think. My guess is that the final criterion will be very extensive, very expensive, and take years to fully document and understand (sort of like the human genome). But hey, who cares. This is an important subject that could have far-reaching impact on future generations. Let's just borrow a little money from the Social Security program to get this project jump-started. So here they are, the first documented rules (from me) regarding the Great Sport or Not Debate.

1. Baseball, Football, Basketball and Hockey are sports. Period. No debate. If you question them, you might as well question the value of the Constitution of the United States....What? Are you kidding me. Get the hell out of my country you commie pinko.

2. Using the equipment of a verified sport (e.g. baseball bat, football, puck, etc.) in your activity does not make it a sport. For example: playing HORSE isn't a sport just because you're shooting a basketball.

3. Violence in the activity does not automatically guarantee that it's a sport, but we can overlook several rules violations if there's enough of it.

4. Coverage on ESPN does nothing to validate the activity. ESPN is the new MTV. A great idea gone bad because some idiot felt the need to broaden their appeal. It's simple ESPN: read the scores, show the highlights and broadcast the live sporting events. As much as I love poker, it's not a freakin' sport. Billiards...I don't care. Gone are the personalities and funny commercials. All we're left with is...well...Monday Night Football and a bunch of crappy "game" shows. Pardon This Interruption, you suck! You're still the best we Sports junkies have, but you suck!

5. Just because the people that participate in an activity are athletic doesn't mean it's a sport (and vice versa). Please see Cecil Fielder and Brian Boitano.

6. If your opponent is an inanimate object, it's not a sport. For example: Golf.

7. If the people you are playing with or who are watching can't taunt you, it's not a sport. For example: Golf.

8. Any activity with a penalty box is a sport. Seriously, add a penalty box to Figure Skating and I'll consider it.

9. Just because it's an Olympic event doesn't mean it's a sport. That's why they call them EVENTS and not SPORTS. See Trampoline and Synchronized Swimming.

10. Anything where you can't make at least $100,000 a year as a professional probably isn't a sport (Hockey has a special exclusion from this rule).

11. NASCAR is not a sport (It needed it's own rule).

12. Just because there is a sanctioning body doesn't mean it's a sport. For example: Competitive Eating has the International Federation of Competitive Eating or IFOCE. Enough said.

13. If taking the "Juice" won't help you in the activity, it's not a sport.

14. Activities that are really funny to watch, although I want them to be sports, aren't guaranteed the Sport label. For example: Curling.

15. Killing a wild animal such as a leopard with your bare hands is not only a sport, but it's awe inspiring. Doing it's at 73 automatically gets you into the Hall of Fame.

Media of the Week

We watched this movie again the other night. After seeing it the first time I was fairly certain it wouldn't be any good again because the secret is out (sort of like The Sixth Sense). But I was wrong, I've seen it a couple times more and there are so many little elements that you don't pick up in the first viewing. I'd recommend watching it again. If only I'd said something this sarcastic. This one is for you Dutch.

Damn streaker, I wanted to hear the rest of this report!

Now I present the Asshat of the Week Award...(drum roll)...and the winner is Onterrio Smith. Apparently his appetite for the wacky weed is as big as a great lake (or Canadian province). "It's my cousins....yeah, that's it."

Which brings us to the Product of the Week: The Whizzinator.

Another Injury-free Memorial Day

My family and I moved into a new home in November and Memorial Day was our first big outdoor party at the new place. We had lots of friends and family over for great day of outdoor fun. It was nice to see the yard full of children, running, playing and not getting hurt. For which, given some of the hazards of Memorial Day, I have to give thanks.

Hot grills, brick patios, ponds, scooters, wiffle balls (hey, they can hurt), fingers, fists, and other body part; so many hazards. But interestingly none of these have ever been banned for sale. The same can't be said of a wonderful little game I grew up playing called Jarts (or Lawn Darts, etc.) This fun and exciting game was pulled from the market by the Consumer Product Safety Commission in 1988 (you can't even buy them on eBay anymore. They're a restricted item). Interestingly, there are those that also say it is illegal to play the game of Jarts, but some are blatantly thumbing there noses at the CPSC.

There were a number of games played yesterday in our back yard and not a single fatality, puncture wound, or spilled beverage. How is that possible you ask? When a game as insidiously evil and dangerous as Jarts is played with a yard full of innocent children. Simple, plain-old common sense. Let's not put the rings around our kids. Let's not throw the Jarts over the house. Just play the game, and do it somewhat soberly. And when you're done, put them somewhere safe so that the kids don't get them out and start throwing them at each other. Be a responsible Jarts player (and parent).

But it won't be long until all the fins are nicked and cut so much they won't fly straight, and the rings will have so many holes they won't be circular. And when that time comes, and we can't buy replacements, what will be the preferred adult game on Memorial Day? If you say that silly Toss-Across knock-off, bean bag throwing, redneck party game, I will throw a Jart at you.

No, the answer is Jarts. And here is what I propose. The government needs to stop banning things like this and start making money on them. Take Personal Water Craft for example. New York State considered banning the JetSki and other PWCs due to accidents, reckless behavior, and complaints. Instead New York moved to a mandatory licensing program to ensure that PWC users exhibited some basic level of knowledge in the use of these vehicles and how to safely navigate our waterways.

I say we do the same thing with Jarts. Anyone who wants to play can attend an 6 hour class (with breaks and lunch let's call it a full Saturday) and get certified in the safe and proper setup, play, and storage of Jarts. It should also probably cover the basics of the game, scoring, and other Jarts related topics. The class must use instructional videos showing the dangers of Jarts when the "Rules of the Lawn" are not obeyed. Nothing will make you a safer Jarts player than showing someone taking a Jart to the eye.

This approach would also help keep our politicians busy when they're not in committee hearing about performance enhancing drugs and the professional athletes who don't take them [cough]Barry Bonds[cough]. Under this new program our politicians can start legislating things such as safe blood(y)-alcohol levels and minimum ages for those who play Jarts.

So please, write your local congressman. And while you're waiting for the new laws to take effect: get a blow torch and some rebar, make some shafts; have your kids use the school injection mold to make some fins; buy a bunch glow-in-the-dark bracelets and string them together for rings; Play Jarts 24/7 until:

A. The new laws are enacted
B. You're arrested, or
C. The NHL actually plays a real, meaningful game

(whichever comes first).