My family and I moved into a new home in November and Memorial Day was our first big outdoor party at the new place. We had lots of friends and family over for great day of outdoor fun. It was nice to see the yard full of children, running, playing and not getting hurt. For which, given some of the hazards of Memorial Day, I have to give thanks.
Hot grills, brick patios, ponds, scooters, wiffle balls (hey, they can hurt), fingers, fists, and other body part; so many hazards. But interestingly none of these have ever been banned for sale. The same can't be said of a wonderful little game I grew up playing called Jarts (or Lawn Darts, etc.) This fun and exciting game was pulled from the market by the Consumer Product Safety Commission in 1988 (you can't even buy them on eBay anymore. They're a restricted item). Interestingly, there are those that also say it is illegal to play the game of Jarts, but some are blatantly thumbing there noses at the CPSC.
There were a number of games played yesterday in our back yard and not a single fatality, puncture wound, or spilled beverage. How is that possible you ask? When a game as insidiously evil and dangerous as Jarts is played with a yard full of innocent children. Simple, plain-old common sense. Let's not put the rings around our kids. Let's not throw the Jarts over the house. Just play the game, and do it somewhat soberly. And when you're done, put them somewhere safe so that the kids don't get them out and start throwing them at each other. Be a responsible Jarts player (and parent).
But it won't be long until all the fins are nicked and cut so much they won't fly straight, and the rings will have so many holes they won't be circular. And when that time comes, and we can't buy replacements, what will be the preferred adult game on Memorial Day? If you say that silly Toss-Across knock-off, bean bag throwing, redneck party game, I will throw a Jart at you.
No, the answer is Jarts. And here is what I propose. The government needs to stop banning things like this and start making money on them. Take Personal Water Craft for example. New York State considered banning the JetSki and other PWCs due to accidents, reckless behavior, and complaints. Instead New York moved to a mandatory licensing program to ensure that PWC users exhibited some basic level of knowledge in the use of these vehicles and how to safely navigate our waterways.
I say we do the same thing with Jarts. Anyone who wants to play can attend an 6 hour class (with breaks and lunch let's call it a full Saturday) and get certified in the safe and proper setup, play, and storage of Jarts. It should also probably cover the basics of the game, scoring, and other Jarts related topics. The class must use instructional videos showing the dangers of Jarts when the "Rules of the Lawn" are not obeyed. Nothing will make you a safer Jarts player than showing someone taking a Jart to the eye.
This approach would also help keep our politicians busy when they're not in committee hearing about performance enhancing drugs and the professional athletes who don't take them [cough]Barry Bonds[cough]. Under this new program our politicians can start legislating things such as safe blood(y)-alcohol levels and minimum ages for those who play Jarts.
So please, write your local congressman. And while you're waiting for the new laws to take effect: get a blow torch and some rebar, make some shafts; have your kids use the school injection mold to make some fins; buy a bunch glow-in-the-dark bracelets and string them together for rings; Play Jarts 24/7 until:
A. The new laws are enacted
B. You're arrested, or
C. The NHL actually plays a real, meaningful game
(whichever comes first).
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