Kick-ass Children's Stories

Generally, entertainment for kids these days is very lacking. You've got the old stand-bys like Sesame Street, but there's a whole lot of crap out there too like Teletubbie, Barney, and any of that crap Lucas puts out that’s supposed to be “for kids.”

As my son gets older and we get past the basic ABC's and 123's books, I’ve found some real gems that are great for kids and are entertaining for adults as well. Here are a few of my personal favorites.

Pierre Bear by Richard Scarry
Normally a story about a guy named Pierre needs to end in his fiery demise. But this frenchie is a bear, which is totally cool. Plus he lives by himself up in the north country and lives off the land. First Pierre spends his days hunting the dangerous moose. Then he makes his annual trip into town where he finds a woman that will marry him without the need for multiple dates, flowers, or any of the other crap that goes along with courting down here below the artic circle. I'm pretty sure he'd have been okay if she just wanted to shack up, but since it's a kids book I let this plot flaw go. So he takes her home to check out his ultra-hip taxidermied head collection and, before you know it, they have a little bear. Once the cub is old enough to hold a rifle, they both head out to hunt fur seals. BANG! They shoot the biggest one dead and drag him home. They all love their new fur coats and everyone (except the moose and fur seal) live happily ever after. Kick-ass. Thanks Richard.

Yertle the Turtle by Dr. Seuss
For those of you working for a big company, you really need to get familiar with this story. It’s about an executive manager, named Yertle, who thinks he’s better than everyone else because he’s…an executive manager. So he comes up with this “great” plan to make himself look good and uses everyone underneath him to try to make it work. But like most plans developed by upper-management, it all falls apart because he has no clue how to motivate and inspire the people that work for him. Ultimately he ends up with mud all over his face and nothing to show for it. The hero of the story is Mack. He’s the hero because he does what’s best for the entire company. I would have preferred if he hadn’t been passive aggressive about it, but it works none-the-less. Rating: 4.5 out of 5.

Sometimes I Like To Curl Up in a Ball by Vicki Churchill and Charles Fuge
This book kicks-ass because it’s about a wombat. Period. Doesn’t matter what they do they’re cool. They are the anti-French.

Sneetches and other stories by Dr. Seuss
This is a great story that includes racial bias, the desire to “fit-in”, and someone that makes a boat-load of money off both. I won’t give away any of the plot, but I will say that Sylvester McMonkey McBean is a brilliant entrepreneur capable of acquiring wealth from the truly stupid. If you’ve never read it, get yourself a copy. There’s also a cool spook story about a haunted pair of pale green pants.

We all have a lot to learn from talking trains and cat's that wear hats.

'Asinine Use of Public Funds' of the Week

I haven’t seen something this stupid in a while. Are you telling me that the most heinous criminal you could find is using squeeze cheese as a weapon? The Sherriff’s department should be embarrassed. First for allowing charges to be filed, and second for making this guy a “most wanted”.

I’m sure the trailer they live in has been the scene of many a domestic dispute, see the aforementioned charge: Third-offense criminal domestic violence, but come on, she put it on his truck. That’s attempted destruction of property, that cheese will eat right through clear coat. Do you see her being charged? No. To make matters worse there wasn’t even any evidence; she washed it out of her hair. Generally if you plan to press charges for being assaulted with a food product from isle 5, I always recommend leaving the crime scene as is. Of course, it’s much harder to hit on the cute policemen with a pile of processed cheese in your mullet.

Remind me to tell you the story someday about my high school physics teacher who was abused by his WIFE! Guy was a crappy teacher and apparently, based on the knife wounds, he wasn’t much better at being a husband.

So anyway, be on the look out for a man in his late 30s driving a dark colored pickup truck with a yellow racing strip. He’s wanted in South Carolina for reckless use of a condiment. If only she’d gotten her bitch-ass back in the kitchen and cooked some dinner this whole thing could have been averted. They will never learn.

Dude, I Got Subpoenaed. Now What?

Generally I’m a fan of free-for-all capitalize. If you’ve got the best product and you dominate the market, so be it. But there are times when a company may have established their position using this method but then use questionable practices to maintain it. I can’t think of two bigger offenders than Microsoft and Intel. For those that don’t keep up on tech news, AMD is taking Intel to court and companies like Dell are getting caught in the middle. Here’s a great article on how Dell is reacting.

You know, and I know that the lawyers are the ones that decided to start selling AMD chips. And we also both know that there is going to be a special place in the fiery darkness for those lawyers. But who do they think they’re fooling? The sad part is they only need to fool the judge. I can’t believe that the judge is going to fully understand how silly it looks that Dell is selling AMD processors.

So, for the sake of the non-technical judge let’s use a more generic analogy.

So let’s say you’re a judge (Dell), and have been know to take a “present” now and again from an attorney. Now let’s say that someone (Intel) approaches you and suggests that if you only take “presents” from him that he’ll not only increase the size of the “present” but he’ll also make sure to bring you the highest profile cases. Which of course are “good for business”. He tells you that the only stipulation is that you can no longer accept “presents” from anyone else. Sounds like a good deal huh? Yeah, right up until the point where someone (AMD) comes to you with a high profile case and a desire to “do business”. You politely turn him down because of your existing arrangement, only to find out that he’s been turned down by some of the other judges willing to “do business” and is talking about exposing the lot of you.

To avoid the ugliness of being exposed, you let it be known on the street that you’re “open for business again”. But to avoid breaking your exclusive relationship, you either have the cases reassigned or you price your services so high that you make it impossible for someone other than your “partner” to find your services useful.

Now I can’t imagine any judge doing something like that, but does that make sense at all judge? Just a little?

Can Religion Kill?

Well, at first glance it appeared that this man's desire to keep himself pure was the cause of death. But, they brought in the CSI team and with all their hi-tech gadgets they determined that, in actuality, the man died from his own stupidity. I’m not sure which is funnier, that the guy jumped, or that one of his buddies dared him to jump. I wonder if it was a double-dog dare?

The Story

Who the hell would jump from a moving car? What a dumbass. Oh wait, actually I have a confession. I too jumped from a moving vehicle. I was 12 years old and was in a car full of kids on our way to a youth group meeting. A “friend” suggested we should climb out the back window of the station wagon (yes, the faux wood paneled variety), stand on the bumper, and jump off as we pulled in the driveway. All so we could get the “best” seat. As the story goes, and I say this because to this day I do not remember any of it, we counted to three, I jumped…he didn’t (for that and several other transgressions I no longer speak to this person). I fell, rolled, and apparently hit my head on the gravel driveway. I got up dusted myself off and we went into the youth group meeting. About 20 minutes into the meeting I started freaking out, there may also have been a little bit of crying but I’m not sure I believe that part of the story. Needless to say, I told the adults at the meeting that I didn’t know where I was or who they were. It was at that moment that they too started freaking out.

So they called my mother and off to the hospital I went. After a battery of tests including asking me stupid questions like, “What day is it?” and “Who is the president?”, all of which I couldn’t answer, they determined that I had been concussed. I had no short or long term memory and, as my loving brother stated, “If he stays like this they’ll have to lock him up.”

I started to remember things over the next 24 hours, and was “okay” after about 48 hours. But it was quite the ordeal for my mother and the youth group adults who all scolded me quite a bit once I was recovered. But, since I didn’t remember making the decision to jump or actually jumping, all the yelling didn’t really have much impact.

To this day I do not remember any of it other than bits and pieces of my recovery in the hospital. So, if you ever read this and can’t figure out how any sane person could spend time thinking about this stuff, now you know. I’m not quite right in the head.

But getting back to the story, I jumped from a car traveling at ~5MPH. This Keanu (this is my new term for super-morons) jumped from one going 35 all because someone was cursing. Apparently Darwin does still claim a few victims.

My advice, don’t shake a baby, and never jump from a moving vehicle. Unless of course there’s a really good reason, like your vehicle is on fire, or you have a chance to get a front row seat at the Michael Moore vs. Rick Berman Celebrity DeathMatch.

New Orleans Mayor Finds Solice In French Rioting

It's been several months since the initial disaster of Katrina ravaged New Orleans and the rest of the central gulf coast. Since that time Ray Nagin, mayor of New Orleans, has been busy trying to help the city and it's people dry out and begin the rebuilding process. Sarcasm Inc. was lucky enough to land an interview with Mr. Nagin to get his thoughts on the city's progress as well as the recent events in France.

SI - Mr. Nagin, thank you for taking time out of your business day. Can you tell us what you've been doing since the Katrina disaster?

RN -You can call me Ray. It's been a busy time, watching the water pumping, pursuing leads on who to point additional fingers at, trying to get the new coral growth off our bus fleet. But probably the biggest task has been figuring out the new name.

SI - What new name?

RN- The new name for the city. I mean, it used to be called New Orleans, but given the amount of rebuilding we're going to do it made sense to me to rename the city. I've dedicated an entire committee to determine the new name. The leading candidates right now are: The New Orleans, Newer Orleans, and Pat O’Brien’s Hurricane Central: City of Booze and Loose Women. The last one is a little long, but I’m a big fan of corporate sponsorship.

SI- Um….okay. So what was the first thing you did when you knew Katrina was going to hit the city?

RN- Well, I thought to myself. Ray, if anyone is going to be able to do something it’s going to be you. So I hopped in my car and drove down to the pier. I stood there, as the wind and waves were beginning to pound the city, and I looked directly at the storm.

SI- And then what Ray?

RN- And then I did the only thing I could. I said, “Katrina the Hurricane...good evening. As a duly designated representative of the City of New Orleans, I order you to cease any and all destructive activity and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient Central American country.”

SI – That didn’t work so much did it?

RN – No….not really.

SI – What about your disaster plan?

RN – Oh, that thing. Yeah, I thought about that but just getting it rolling is a lot of work. I figured I’d try talking Katrina down first. Who knew?

SI – So Ray, after you realized that asking it to go away wasn’t going to help, tell us how you worked with the state to get assistance. Did you contact Governor Blanco?

RN – Yeah, I contacted her. But it didn’t help. She claimed she didn’t have enough national guardsmen. Then the dickless wonder decided not to ask for federal assistance right away.

SI – Really, is that true?

RN – Yes, she has no dick.

SI – No, I….never mind. So you seem in pretty good spirits despite the city still being in such ruins. How do you keep so upbet?

RN – Well, you might think it’s the hard working people helping to get this city back on it’s feet, the tireless work of individuals, and the never give up attitude. Honesty, between you and me, that crap makes me sick. Actually, it’s the rioting in France that’s helped get me out of my funk.

SI – How so?

RN –I look at what the French government has done to handle the situation, and I realize that useless people are put in positions of power all over the world. I’m not alone.

SI – So you think the situation could have been handled differently?

RN – Absolutely. Let’s see, the first French government response was, “Stop the rioting or we will be forced to ask you to stop again.” Now in most countries where hearing the French language spoken with a native accent is like finger nails on a chalkboard it might be an effective threat. But these people have built up an auditory immunity.

Then they escalated to, “Stop, or we will be forced to confine you to your homes.” What are you grounding teenagers? Hello, these people are setting fire to cars. You really think they’re going to adhere to a curfew?

And now the latest, “If you are convicted of participation in the rioting, you will be deported.” Um…really. I can get a free ticket out of this hole just by burning a car? Sweet.

I have a couple ideas for the French. First, start giving away free booze; beer, wine, whatever. Once they’re drunk enough, it’s highly unlikely they’ll be able to figure out their lighters. That worked for us a lot during Marde Gras. Or the better, and maybe more permanent solution, would be to call in the Germans. They’ve got lots of experience in this type of thing, they know the area, and they’re not going to take any shenanigans. I mean, thank God, most people probably don’t even remember my name now. We’ve got new governmental ineptness on the block and his name is Jacques Chirac. Way to go Jack.

The Nameless One

I've been thinking about writing for a while regarding a certain NFL player who, on this site, shall forever rename nameless (I'll refer to him as the Clueless One or C.O.) I'm not going to write a single thing about him, I'm simply going to ask the media to stop covering this story like it's important and start covering real football. If I wanted off-field drama I'd watch the DVDs of Playmakers. Stop with human interest pieces and show me some freakin' hits already. And if ESPN doesn't get rid of that talentless ass-kisser Irvin after this year I may have to boycott. Please, please I just want to see Tom Jackson actually tackle him on the set when they run those little primer drills on the fake field.

Hey C.O. good luck landing that long term deal now...Ass.

Stories That NEVER Get Old

It might just be me, but stories about drunk lesbian cheerleaders having sex in public restrooms and trying to start a full-on bar brawl just don't ever get old.

In other news, I'm really not sure this could have happened to a nicer country. Don't get me wrong, I'm no fan of senseless violence, but when the French are involved you always have to wonder if it's really senseless.

The thing that drives me nuts is that this isn't a race or cultural issue. This is about the rich (or perceived rich) and the poor. There are also always going to be poor, really poor, people that are going to do uncivilized things because they think it's the only way they're going to survive. I can forgive most of these actions. But it's the poor people that hide behind religion or some other "cause" that really piss me off. Generally, I think they're too lazy or too crazy to fix what's broken in their own lives, so they resort to sabotaging the lives of others.

In America it's called The Man. In the rest of the world it's called America. Either way, it's people thinking that somehow, someone else has more control over the outcome of their life than they do. Sorry but actually you're probably just a lazy dumb bastard with little self-worth and a chronic drug problem to show for it. Either that or you've had some some rich crazy "holy" man convince you that blowing stuff up is the only way to affect positive change. Nice work jackass, I can only hope through sheer stupidity that some of you people manage to blow yourselves up before you get to your target.

So here's my advice for the day. If you see someone in need, and can afford to help them, do so. If you are in need, get the hell off my site and go find a job.