"You sure got a pur'ty mouth!"
That's right, we'd headed for the mountains and all the dangers therein. Locals, bears, and drunken stupors. I may be able to sneek a post in before we leave but if not have a good week and work on getting yourselves to Level 5.
Continued from Level 4.
And speaking of Office Space, the attitude that Peter had after his encounter with the hypnotherapist is what you should strive for. Level 5 has gotten me through a lot of tough situations. So much so that when people ask how I'm doing, pretty much the only truthful response is, "Well, I haven't been arrested." Level 5: Gone are the feelings of helplessness, anger, frustration, and utter disillusionment. In is a calm, matter-of-fact, "what crazy sh$% am I going to see today" attitude. You desire to experience work from a higher place as if the building were a giant habitrail. Many will take your attitude for a lack of caring. But it's really more that you're resigned to the outcome that fate has determined; satisfied with the front-row seat that's been gifted to you. Humor is cog to the Level 5 machine, without which there is no outlet. The simple things at work keep you going, bad decisions, faux pas [damn, I used another french term], and other people's pain. These are the things that keep you going. Consume them like Michael Moore eats Little Debbie Snack Cakes, but without all the crumbs.
So you walked the hot coals of corporate incompetence. You've been engulfed in the flames of ass-hattedness. You've snatched the golden Idol of Sanity from the tomb of upper management. You've seriously considered starting a fight club at work and inviting a few special people. But you haven't been able to bring yourself to end the relationship.
Flipping off [insert asinine co-worker here]
So, there you are at level 4 (or maybe 2 or 3). Trying to make sense of it all. Unable to find any level of satisfaction in the job you used to enjoy. It's time to take action. Problem is, you've got to find your own way to Level 5. You're not going to find it on Google Maps, even though it looks like they've got everything else. Unlike some of the transitions between other Levels, attaining Level 5 is not automatic. You have to work at it. Someday I might write a book about the transition. I'd call it "Sacred Level 5: Spirtual Lessons of a Cubicle Warrior." (I stole that idea from Phil Jackson. The only thing better than stealing from Phillip would be kicking him in the genitals.)
Level 5 is a state of mind that is hard to explain. In fact, it may be something different to each person. No, none of that Zen crap. Just a different way of viewing the drudgery of your daily work life. Level 5 is about being able to look at the idiocy around you without it adversely affecting you. I say "adversely" because ideally you'll be able to look at the situations, which at Level 4 you were thinking WTF, and respond with "Wow, that's messed up....but funny". Then you laugh. You laugh at the situation, at the people, and about how none of it really matters.
Find the humor in everything. If you get stuck cleaning up someone elses' mess don't get mad at him. Just laugh and think, "Man, at least I don't have man boobs like that tool." Humor is the great equalizer and is the critical component to a successful life at Level 5.
So although I can't tell you how to get there. I can give you an idea of how you can tell if you've made it:
"Did you find the movies you were looking for? Great. Oh, I see you have a late fee, the total with your movie and late fee is $3824.15. We could avoid this charge in the future, would you like to sign up for a no-late fee program? It's only $900 a year?"
Screw Blockbuster and all the pimply-faced morons that never seemed to be able to scan in the returns prior to their due date. Don't get me wrong. We had our fair share of late returns but there were many that we know were in the drop box on time. F' them. Blockbuster and their asinine late fees drove me sign up for Netflix and we've never looked back. We get new DVDs in a couple of days and we've always got something to watch. Even in the summer, when I expected that I might cancel the subscription, it's nice to have something around for those evenings that are either too hot or too wet to be outside. So props to Netflix and I hope they give it to Blockbuster. Right in the ear.
I was reading the letters to the editor of a local newspaper the other day and there's this woman (I say woman because my desire to generalize and stereo-type categories of people in order to flame them is important to me) that writes a letter regarding summer BBQ cookouts. You know the kind where an organization like the Rotary Club or American Legion hosts a cookout to raise money. Well this woman is writing to complain to these people, at large, that they don't serve food for vegans or vegetarians. She suggests adding BBQ tofu and Boca-burgers to the menu. She hypothesize that it would be good financially because vegetarians and vegans would come to the cookouts. Yeah, okay. What a dumb be'atch.
Generally I think she fails to see the bigger picture:
A) Most importantly, people really don't give a rat's ass about your self-imposed dietary constraints.
B) Cookouts are for getting together and having fun...vegans aren't fun.
C) There is a BBQ culture, it often involves charring dead animals, eating beans, drinking beer, and making fun of vegans. I just don't think you'd fit in.
D) Next thing you'll want is Perrier, cloth napkins, and dyke-only cookouts.
E) The rest of us don't want to see you eating your Boca-crappy Tofu patties.
(Now you're thinking, but Uncle Jimbo don't A and E contradict each other. Wow, very astute. Maybe I should clarify, we don't give a rats ass unless we're reminded of how annoying the vegans are. So go whine somewhere else I'm trying to enjoy my pulled pork.)
F) If you want a vegan-friendly BBQ, then HOST YOUR OWN. Stop telling other people how they should run their events. My guess is, in this great free-market economy, that if there was a market for it you'd see them. But you don't. So STFU.
G) If you're currently in a relationship with a man, you're probably not a vegan...if you get my meaning.
I had a manager that was a vegan, and a woman (gasp), and we got into it one day as she was spouting off about why we shouldn't be consuming animals and animal-based products. At one point she said, "Humans are the only mammal that drink milk after infancy."
Yeah, big deal we're the only ones that drive cars too. WE DO IT BECAUSE WE CAN!
Who are Hun and Karen you ask. Hun is the soon-to-be-unemployed chef from the soon-to-be-out-of-business Bay Tree Cuisine. Unlike most restaurant reviews I'll give you the ass-kicking summary first and then bore you with the painful details. But I'm not going to use gay adjectives like delicate, pastel, or harmonious.
My Review of Bay Tree Cuisine
Overall rating: -2 (out of 5)
Atmosphere: Thin, like SR-71 thin
Service: I've had better service at a narcoleptic whore house
Menu: If you can look past the boring stark-white paper, black text and minimalistic descriptions it only sucked a little
Food Presentation: Yawn
Food uality: (Notice there's no 'Q' in quality...you get my point)
Food Taste: Slightly above what you'd get from the buffet at the downtown Hyatt
And Karen is...Karen Deyle a freelance restaurant critic who writes for the local paper. Hey, you stupid b!^*$, people do actually read your reviews. Being so far off on this one cost us $160 for four people. I'd rip apart your lazy, ass-hatted review but it's not worth my time you prissy little skank. I think I'll just put it on my personal life checklist to kick you and your companion in the head should I ever have the pleasure of meeting you in person.
The ordeal began with a casual get together on our friends porch with a couple glasses of wine. Next we walked to the crime scene and looked at the outdoor menu. "Lamb in sauce with vegetables". Wow, that sounds great. What kind of lamb? What kind of sauce? So many questions. Like being vague is a good marketing technique for anyone but a politician. But, some people on the street said they enjoyed the place, and of course Karen thought it was "delicate". Who can argue with a powerful statement like that.
As we weighed our options we noticed that there wasn't a single person in the place. Not a single occupied chair. Note to self and others, if you ever think about eating at a restaurant at 7pm on a Saturday and there isn't a soul inside. Walk away. Either it's a front company of some sort of illegal activity or it sucks. This place sucked so much it may have been both. But in we went, dying to find a new place.
As we were seated near the window I half expected a stage prop canvas, with a mural of a busy restaurant, to fall from the ceiling behind us. "See look at the nice people enjoying our food, come in, come in." We received our wonderfully lame menus and asked for a drink menu. "We only have wine and beer." Okay fine, no liquor license. I guess we can get by. Swing and miss, strike one. Let's see the wine list....okay, California Cab, California Merlot. If we order a Merlot I'm leaving. California, California, France, California, California. If we order a California wine I'm leaving. So we settle on this completely uninspired Cab (from California) with a twist off top. Oooh, very sheik. Then the server asks us for IDs.....enough said. We had a good laugh. My wife ordered a ginger ale. "Sorry no ginger ale, only Coke and Diet Coke." So....you sell Coke products but only those two. Ingenious. What a very progressive idea. Fewer drink options means more focus on the food. Brilliant. How about you run your ass over to the Wilson Farms, buy some cans of ginger ale and drop one in a glass. Hey, batter, batter, Strike two. Then he spent five minutes trying to articulate why we would really rather have their tea. All without a single adjective. It was linguistically amazing, but not very compelling.
So we went to order, but the wonderful menu with very little description leaves us with a few questions. "What cut of lamb is this? Rack? Shank?" We get sort of a blank-stare response. "Wow, that's a good question. Umm....I'll have to ask the chef." Let me get this straight. You have a shitty menu with almost no descriptions, only about 10 entrees, and you don't have the details for all of them in your head? Have you even tried the lamb before? Do you know what a rack of lamb is? Strike three looking.
On to the menu. Let's see no soup. Strike four. Only the same lame "vegetables" side for all the entrees. God forbid you, as a culinary artist, try to match your sides with you main meal. Hey zucchini goes with everything right. Strike five. For our appetizers we orders the "fried shrimp with salad" and "lobster something-something with salad". These actually didn't suck as much as everything else. The shrimp were warm, lightly breaded jumbo shrimp with good flavor. Amazing. Hun the Hack took a pitch. Ball one. The lobster was passable, but the salads were romaine and sliced grape tomatoes in a light vinaigrette. Very original.
And then the main course. The duck was cold, the beef tenderloin was tenderized and small. What about the lamb? Sadly, the lamb was simply lamb tenderloin, which if we hadn't been told it was rack of lamb wouldn't be a big deal. Except for the fact that we ordered it medium and got it rare. He can't hit, he can't hit, he can't hit, sa'wing batter. Strike five, strike six, strike seven. To top off the wonderful evening when we explained our issues with the meal, they tried to make us feel better about spending $160 by giving us two (there were four of us) craptacular chocolate mousse deserts. All I'll say is that they were chunky and flavorless...and that's being nice.
Hun you are a hack in the same mold as Dave Kingman, but without all the home runs. Maybe you're more like Bob Uecker. You must be in the front row....of the unemployment line.
Karen, I'll be looking for you.
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