Risk Free Offer (sic)

So I'm plowing through the reams of junk mail we get every day; catalogs, credit card offers, and other useless marketing materials that only make me not want to use the sending companies products and services. When, all of a sudden I find something out of the ordinary. It's a small relatively plain card with information regarding a free offer.

Simply apply the included sticker and receive a Risk Free Trial. Generally I'm all over free stuff. But it was the Risk Free part of the statement that made me stop and ponder. The offer was for a complimentary issue of Playboy.

Free yes, risk free for the average married man....no way. "Look honey, my free issue of Playboy just showed up. I love the articles." Playboy should really have better demographics for their lists and should have different messages for married versus single men. What I got would be fine for single guys, but the married card should have said something like "Get a free copy and we'll send it in an opaque plastic bag to your alternate address of choice."

But even that isn't risk free. Maybe Playboy should just go with "FREE". Nakedness and risk generally go hand-in-hand....so to speak.

Asshatted Constitutional Fact of Week

I read an article in the Sunday paper regarding the affect of the census on congressional representation. Now it's not often that I read something that I don't already know, and maybe I knew this at one time and just decided to purge it.

Fact: Congressional representation is based on populations from the census. These populations include all persons, not just US citizens.

Excerpt from the 14th amendment:

"Representatives shall be apportioned among the several States according to their respective numbers, counting the whole number of persons in each State, excluding Indians not taxed. But when the right to vote at any election for the choice of electors for President and Vice-President of the United States, Representatives in Congress, the Executive and Judicial officers of a State, or the members of the Legislature thereof, is denied to any of the male inhabitants of such State, being twenty-one years of age, and citizens of the United States, or in any way abridged, except for participation in rebellion, or other crime, the basis of representation therein shall be reduced in the proportion which the number of such male citizens shall bear to the whole number of male citizens twenty-one years of age in such State."

Can someone please explain to me how it makes sense that illegals...excuse me, non-citizens...should get representation WHEN THEY CAN'T VOTE FOR THEM!

Apparently they weren't worried about the impact of illegal, non-citizens back in 1868 when this amendment was drafted. It's obvious they made a distinction between the population at large and the population of citizens, but why? I guess what I'm most shocked at is the fact that this has an impact on several states including California, New York, Arizona and Texas (all having more representatives because of non-citizens) and the less obvious upper mid-west states that are losing out on representatives. And of course this issue then carries over to the ever-flawed electoral college.

There are over a million illegals entering the country annually. The real problem...yes, it is a problem...is only going to get worse. Thankfully there are some in Congress trying to take action. So take a minute and get familiar with the issue, and then contact your representative and let them know how you feel. Of course if you live in California, New York, Texas or Arizona you might also want to send a note to Barry Bonds suggesting he take himself off the hall of fame ballot in a few years, it'll get about as much traction. Here's a link to some information.

Now if I find out you didn't bother getting involved, I guess I'll have to start buying houses in your sub-division and renting them out to some illegals. Next thing you'll know you'll have a Molson swilling, hockey fan living next to you singing Celine Dion tunes in his outdoor shower while you're trying to have a patio party.

It's aboot freedom, it's aboot democracy, it's aboot proper representation.

Jon Stewart is Funny; Most of Hollywood is Not

This is a great recap of what Stewart did at the Oscars last night. I only saw the end, so most of the funny things referred to in this article I missed, but man, do I wish I'd seen them.

The Scientology crack was beautiful, and the comments about piracy were sarcasm at it's best. The fact that no one in the academy thought they were funny just highlights the fact that they are disconnected from the real world or just too afraid to laugh at themselves or their peers. Shame on all of you. Must be you'll only accept a national icon (Carson) or one of your own (Crystal).

Honestly, I'm glad I didn't sit through all the dribble.

PS Hollywood, I still hate you.

Vanity Plates: Have We Gone Too Far?

I'll throw this out there right up front. I'm not a fan of vanity plates. There was the great "Assman" episode of Seinfeld that proved that vanity plates can be dangerous, but short of a good chuckle they pretty much annoy me. I don't need to know that you're a doctor. I can tell that by your driving. And I don't need to know you're a Bills fan. I can that tell by your driving. And the latest one I've seen, I don't care that you're a NASCAR fan. I can tell by the slack jaw and protruding forehead. (At least that's how I used to tell.)

On my way to work today we see a nice late model Jetta. Excellent shape...very clean. And then my eyes are drawn to the license plate.

DALEJUNR.

I laugh to myself. Damn, another stupid NASCAR fan. Spending money on a vanity plate to show their allegiance to Dale jr. Then I thought, "Wow, that means that DALEJR was already taken." If you can't get the "cool" version of the plate you're better off just going with something else like 1DUMB R3DN3CK.

My next thought was, "Oh my....shouldn't that plate be on a '89 Monte Carlo SS?" The growing population of hardcore NASCAR fans is really a bit alarming. It's not just your normal overall wearin', Budweiser swillin' crew. There is a newer, more refined fan. And that scares the hell out of me.

Case in point, the Jetta was driven by a well dressed late-20 something female, probably on her way to work at a bank. I am afraid.....very afraid. They could be right next to me and I won't even know it.