Tom Mapother on Tom Mapother: Nut Job

Just when you think it can't get any more strange. This video gets released.

Uncle Jimbo's Random Thoughts on the video:
Tom, you are indeed one of the most mentally unstable people I have ever seen. How do I know? You're laugh. There are three categories of laughs:

1. Infectious - You can't help but laugh with them
2. Silly - You can't help but laugh at them
3. Mapother - You can't help but get creeped out

You, you crazy wanker, have you're own special category. Tell me how much money has it cost you to "earn" the right to call yourself a scientologist? "Create new and better realities" and "effectively change peoples live". Wow, that's inspiring. But I can think of only one way YOU could do that. STOP MAKING MOVIES!!!!

Best line: "I won't hesitate to put ethics in on someone else." [Note: No editorial comment needed]

"You're either on board, or your not on board." Yep, you nailed it, just two types of people. I'm just glad I don't even have a ticket to Kooksville, let along being on the departing train.

You mention a lot of stuff you scientologists can solve. But can you prevent freezer burn? Can you really cure Restless Leg Syndrome without the use of Mirapex? No? I didn't think so.

Watching the toothless gears of your brain turn makes you look like an uneducated dolt from Syracuse, New York.

Here's to hoping you someday meet a real live SP, and he/she does "it" (whatever "it" is) to you, to your face, to your spleen, and to your unborn children.

Best Christmas Present of 2007

I'm sure many of you lay awake at night wondering what Uncle Jimbo got for Christmas. Well let me tell you. My wonderful wife got me a super sweet present this year. A book that touched me deeply, reaffirmed my faith in [some of] humanity, and generally didn't make me want to burn it. And, unlike most of the crap that comes from the skull [Note: the term brain specifically left out of this discussion] of one Michael Moore, this book was non-fiction.

For those of you take my recommendations seriously, well as seriously as you can take recommendations from a guy like me, with a name like Uncle Jimbo, get a copy of this book. Read it, and then give it to someone else to read. Pay it forward, so to speak.

The masses: "So what's the book already?"

Ok, ok, settle down people. The book, referred to here after as "The Second Most Important Book in the World," is Michael Moore is a Big Fat Stupid White Man. Get it, read it, pass it on. That cow Oprah will never have this as her book of the month, but she and Moore graze at the same buffet, if you know what I mean.

Warning: This contents of book will bring to light things that will shock, annoying and down right piss you off.

My closing thought. I can think of no better present to give to a college student to protect them against the crockumentaries and other liberal trash they are bombarded with on a daily basis. Michael Moore, you have been exposed. The Truth is out there, and it makes you look like a narcissistic asshat.

Priceless Pep Talk for Peyton Manning

So I hear you got bounced out of the playoffs. That's too bad. So tell me what sucks more, that your little brother made it further than you did, or that you're going to have to watch Brady hoist another Lombardi trophy.

Brady taking that TD record away probably doesn't help either, does it? Still sort of interesting though that Brady was able to win three Superbowls with some fairly average talent at RB and WR. I mean, they won one with Antowain Smith and Troy Brown as their two big "weapons" (don't get me wrong Troy Brown has had a good career, but he's no Marvin). Huh, now that I think about it you just lost to SD and they were without their three best offensive players. But fear not, there are a bunch of "one and done" QBs out there. Like Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson. And hey, you can also always look down on Captain Futility, one Jim Kelly.

But shucks, it doesn't matter does it. You have all sorts of time to do the things you enjoy. Like practice your new pre-snap hand gestures or work on Madden 08. Hey, does Brady kick your ass in that too? Oh, probably not. When he's not playing football (for the 6 weeks between the Superbowl and mini-camps) he's out scoring with hot chicks, not dorking around with video games. Sorry, just a random thought. You've also got that ad career going to don't you. Like that one where you're the Sony TV pitch man.

You know the one, where you come into someone's house uninvited, say "hey, that's a Sony TV", and plant your ass on the couch while pulling the "make room for me because I'm the King of So Close". If you pulled that in my house I'd slider over, hand you a beer, and then punch you in the junk as hard as I could. Beer spillage or not. Oh, and let's not forget the Pep Talk commercial where you suggest those of us with mini-vans should put flame decals or a number 18 on it so it's not quite so lame. The only 18 I'd put on my mini-van is one on the jersey you're wearing as you hang from my grill.

So here's to you Mr. Pouty Face. Here's to you Mr. Head Hung Low Looking For the Manhood You Recently Lost. Enjoy your lone Superbowl ring, and keep it in a safe place. It's going to be your only one.

Boy, I guess Uncle Jimbo sort of sucks at pep talks.


*Picture courtesy of NFL.com and the San Diego Chargers

Wrong Number Indeed

How this guy found his way out of the womb is beyond me. The real question is, what was his angle? What did he hope to gain by this charade. Those of us with multiple active brain cells may never know.