It's Good to Be King...

until you gets the AIDS. This guy is a piece of work. I mean 50,000 topless women dancing for you is cool, but I think I'd also ask them to bring the report from their last trip to the clinic.

My favorite part is where he put a ban on having sex with a virgin. Then he promptly broke the law and fined himself "one cow". Now I have to ask, is this a real cow or just his way of referring to one of his older wives? Because if it's the latter, he may have finally found the holy grail of marriage, the thing that all men have considered nothing but a myth. The trade-in for a newer model deal. The bastard probably won't let anyone else in on the secret. Not that it's hard to figure out. If you rule your own country, make your own laws, and break them whenever you like my guess is he don't have much to worry about; except the AIDS. He thinks he's really smart, but he'd be better off taking no wives (okay maybe a couple once he's 45 so he can father an heir), having sex only with virgins, and then giving them a nice parting gift (but no BMWs, that's just wasteful. Give 'em a Hummer. I mean, eye-for-an-eye right?)

I have to correct the young woman quoted at the end of the article. She stated, "He is not a good leader because multiple wives can spread HIV." No I'm sorry, multiple wives can lead to chaos, mental illness, and ultimately death but not usually a sexually transmitted disease. When she gets married she'll understand.

Luckily my wife is kind, thoughtful and forgiving, I have no need for a Reed Dance. She also realizes I'm usually out of my mind when I write these things. Love you sweetie!

Boom Goes His Career in Broadcasting

If you felt bad for Ben Stiller's character in Meet the Parents then I suggest you don't watch this clip. For everyone else, this is one of the funniest things I've seen on the internet recently.

The College Sports Reporter

Did you see that kids ears light up like a cross between Dumbo and Rudolph? They were almost as red as the Colonel's stomach after that 30' belly flop (video coming soon).

I mean how could this guy not do well, he obviously has all the basic broadcasting skills:

• Sweaty palms....check
• sweet teleprompter skills....check
• quality segment to segment transitions....check
• solid paper shuffling skills....check
• catchy highlight phrases....check (or should I say "Boom")
• willing to express his attraction to professional atheletes....check
• Shatner-like dramatic pauses....check
• ability to talk in a way that makes viewers believe their media player is skipping.....check
• no problem apologizing for on the air suckitude....check
• look of complete and utter hopelessness....double check

In a related story, a Ball State college sophomore was found dead, hanging from a camera boom. Although it appears to be a suicide, police are not ruling out foul play. College officials were not available for comment.

Annoying Tread #17

Wow, it's surprising how many of the things that annoy me fall into one (or more) of these (unranked) categories:

• Advertising/Marketing
• Entertainers
• Michael Moore (he's large enough to warrant his own category)
• Bad Drivers
• Bad Food
• Smokers
• Blondes
• Bad photographers (focus and framing really do matter)
• Mint flavoring
• Radio morning shows
• People who believe that have some status in life which automatically demands respect/attention
• The Oxygen network
• Work
• Sore losers
• People who can't perform their jobs at an average level
• All people who work in food service
• Good TV shows that "jump the shark"
• Nascar
• Bad Tequila (e.g. As the Colonel says, "anything with the word 'Jose' in the name isn't good tequila.")
• Anything labeled as 'cute'
• Cell phones
• Baggy pants with visible underwear
• The Three Stooges
• The French
• "Irregardless"
• Artificial flavors
• Country music
• Rap music
• People who make lists about crap that annoys them
• software that doesn't easily allow the entry of umlots

All of these, of course, fall into the über-category of Stupidity.

So here's beef #17. Automated telemarketing. Can someone please tell me when this started. The idea that I could avoid talking to another telemarketing person is a nice idea, but not being able to figure out what they're selling or how to actually order it is annoying (and somewhat comical). Not that I'd really buy anything over the phone, but I want ability to say "No." Whether it's to a live person or a machine. I get a call the other day pitching satellite TV. So I listen to the recorded babble and then want more information. But I don't get any instructions. So I push 0. Then 1. It starts ringing. Then I get put on hold. I push more numbers. It starts ringing again. After about 3 minutes (yes I had nothing better to do), a live person answers the phone. I say hello. Pause. I hear them breathing. "Hello?" And then the male voice responded with "Hello? hello, hello......hello, hello, hello, hello........hello, hello, hello, hello....." Until, realizing that his attempt to annoy me isn't working, he hangs up. Oh, you can't out-annoy me you sausage-guzzling phone jockey. I've got mad skills.

Media of the Week

I mean, other than the potential of leaving a floater for someone else to mistake for a water-logged candy bar, I couldn't agree more. Nashua Telegraph

The French would just let this one die if Armstrong drove a tank and spoke German. But no they have to get all pissed off over a bicycle race. Interestingly, the average Frenchman might want to try steroids. I hear a cocktail of 'roids and stem cells has been shown to create spines in lab animals.

Hey Jean-Marie did anyone ever tell you that you have two girls names.

And finally, from a movie that doesn't suck.