Occam's Razor

Call me old fashioned, but where have all the good horror movies gone? Sure we still have the occasion classic B-movie remake/revisioning, but new IPs almost all fall into what I refer to as dismemberment flicks. During the heyday of the horror movies, we had quality suspense films, slasher flicks, and a variety of other sub-genres that provided options for those of us who like to be scared silly. Everything now is ultra-violent, with an over abundance of visible brutality. Hitchcock has got to be yelling, "Cut! Who wrote this crap!" in his grave.

Which is a great segue to this gem, from Hostel II director Eli Roth.

Eli Roth, William of Occam. William of Occam, Eli Roth. You two should talk. Eli, before you two have a battle of wits, let me get you warmed up...you're going to need it. You think that your movie tanked because of piracy. Let's look at the number. $8.7 million opening week (6th place), with only an expect $30 in domestic ticket sales. Nice, bet the studio is proud.

So let's dissect your allegation. You claim that "pirates" ruined your movie. [Note: Generally, bringing awareness to pirates is a good thing, as I'm a big fan of most pirates (excluding butt pirates).] But your claim isn't really that a pirated version made it's way into people hands, who watched the film and then elected (for whatever reason) to not buy a ticket to your film. This is the traditional claim of lost revenue to piracy, direct revenue loss due to grey/black market product. You decided to take a different approach and blame not only the pirates, but also the disreputable reviewers/critics who are out to get you. Let me break this down for you very simply, I see that William is smelling blood and is getting impatient.

You contend that people across the country who would have gone to your film but didn't, did so because they read the jaded reviews of a handful of venge-filled critics who acquired a version of your film from pirates. Hey William, you're on deck.

Eli, you ignorant slut. You assume that the average movie-goer reads or cares about what movie reviewers say. You assume that there are a plethora of reviews who are willing to risk their livelihoods to torpedo your so-called career. And you assume that none of the following could possibly be true:

Uncle Jimbo's Top Ten Reasons Why Hostel II Won't Break $30million (created using the simple theory of William of Occam's razor)

10. Made a tough decision, "Dancing with the stars" won.
9. Thought the film was made by Eli Manning, knew the ending would be a letdown.
8. Saw the first Hostel.
7. There are a zillion better things to do on a summer weekend that go pay $30 for a sensory beating in a dark, smelly theatre.
6. Huge NASCAR event this weekend cut into your ticket sales.
5. Saw the first Hostel.
4. You titled your film Eli Roth's Hostel: Part II. That implies that people know or care who you are, like you're Tarantino or something. People won't go see it because they're not "in the know".
3. All the would-be serial killers where planning their summer.
2. People want their horror genre back. Less gore, more scare.
1. The movie blows. Word travels fast.

Have at 'em William.

P.S. Eli, Piracy won't kill your DVD sales, your movie will kill your DVD sales.