Don't Throw Out Those Cans

I'm pretty sure that if you work for a corporate HR department, and solid sexual harassment policies are as dear to you as double footlongs with chili are to Michael Moore, you should avoid including images like this one in your HR newsletter. Even if it is only an article on an upcoming food drive.









Tisk, tisk. You really should know your slang a little better. Cans: Slang for a woman's breasts. All HR departments should have at least one man on staff to proof read anything that leaves the department.

It's obvious that women don't keep up on these things. Laughing out loud, I showed the newsletter to my wife and she had no clue why the image was funny. Which leads me to believe that women may think they understand men and know what we're thinking, but in reality they're as clueless about us as we are about them.

Fact: Men have over 200 terms that can be used to refer to women's breasts. And we're making up new ones all the time.

Fact: Men are stupid. In our attempt to “not get caught,” we make up these new terms. Turns out, women have better things to do than figure out our juvenile language games. Damn, we could have been using cans and ta-tas all along.

Common Sense Prevails...If Only For a While

These types of stories still amazing me. I'm not sure which I'm more amazed at: being offended by a toy, or banning "offending material" because one person complains. If someone crapped on my dinner my first response wouldn't be to take offense. I would think, "Damn! What did I do to this guy? He doesn't look familiar." Now that may make me thick-skinned, but there's no reason that people have to get all worked up over business that isn't theirs.

Take the person in this article, getting offended by a toy pig. Hello. It's made out of plastic, or cloth, or some otherwise non-offensive material. How can a toy, made out of a non-offensive material offend you? Get real. If you don't like it, don't look at it. Does even the word "pork" offend you? Yes? Good...pork...pork, pork, pork...pork. PORK, PORK....PORKPORKPORK.

You know what would happen if I got to decide what was offensive and what wasn't, people would either wear burlap sacks and brown paper bags or they would be naked (women only thanks). Only naked isn't entirely true, 98% of everyone would have duct tape over their mouths. Not because what they say is offensive, but how they say it. I just don't want to listen too them.

Gone would be the Oxygen network, Fox executives, John Madden, and people who use the phrase "mute point". Out would be mushrooms, greeting cards, and all holidays other than Christmas and the 4th of July. Every member of congress would be looking for a job, and Best Grip Mike would be providing legally enforced community service at the weekly Young Republicans meeting.

But, as a white protestant male I have no individual authority. So I have to learn to suck it up. I have to listen to pop-rap music when I'm in the mall, watch my beloved sports succumb to corporate sponsorship (I've got your Degree All-in Moment right here!), try to figure out what all the colored ribbons and bracelets are for (like I care), and endure advertisements for all sorts of feminine products on television.

So all you people out there that think you've got something to be offended about; Kiss My Ass, I'm offended by you. My sensibilities are assailed on a daily basis but you don't see me go whining to HR. If you don't like it leave. Go to France, whining is a national pastime there. Or better yet, go to California. Based on current events and the overall mass of Michael Moore that slide into the Pacific can't be far away.

This Week in DVD

My wife and I watched Exorcist: The Beginning this weekend. If only I'd listened to them and watched just the beginning. I could have avoided an hour (or more) of convoluted plot twists, bad acting, and a complete lack of scariness.

Everything that was right about the original was wrong with this movie. And since I choose to not relive this atrocity again, I simply give this movie the double thumbs down. If you've wondered whether this movie is any good you've already wasted too much time on it.

Only way this movie could have gotten worse is if Ben Affleck had played the lead character. Which leads me to the question of the week.

Who is the worst big budget actor/actress working today?

Question of the Week

So here's one to ponder. Let's say that you invent a time machine. Standard theory is that time travel into the future is possible assuming the theory of relativity and something that can move your ass at near the speed of light. I'm not talking about travel into the future. I'm talking about bending or breaking a few rules and being able to send objects back in time.

What do you do with it?

My answer is very simple. I patent it and then I sell it to UPS. Think about it. You get a knock on your door. You answer it and there's the UPS man. He hands you a package. You say, "Hey, I didn't order anything."

"You will."

It's at that moment that the "Power of Brown" marketing campaign will all make sense. (Okay, not really. That's one of the most retarded marketing ploys ever. There's that one guy that says, "Things got a whole lot easier once I plugged into the big brown machine." Um....okay. To each his own. Good luck with that and here's the number for the free clinic.)

I would suggest, of course, that UPS label these packages Plaid. UPS Plaid, when it absolutely, positively, has to be there yesterday. I'd also suggest that the pricing structure look something like this. (All prices list are for a standard 1lb UPS letter package.)

Earlier Same Day: $200,000
Yesterday: $50,000
Last Week: $25,000
Beyond 7 days: $5,000

You know damn well that if someone realizes they need something they're going to act on it right then. Most idiots won't realize they can order it whenever. We reward the intelligent and punish the stupid. That's my kind of pricing model.

Of course we'd probably also have to implement rules so people can't send back winning lottery tickets, or try to ship themselves back (in the process breaking federal and universal laws) to take a mulligan with the girl in New Orleans. Whoa, speaking of the Big Easy, think about all the stuff that would be going back in time because of Katrina. We might see a UPS trailer parked outside Nagin's office. I can hear myself rolling around in the money as I type. Now, where did I put the internet plans for that flux-capacitor.

1000 People? Are You Kidding Me?

It's official. I've had 1000 people visit this site. I've been using BlogPatrol to monitor site usage and here are some interesting stats:

• sarcasminc.blogspot.com is #956 on the BlogPatrol Top 1000 List
• the site averages about three new visitors a day
• most visitors are using Windows XP and Firefox (interesting...)
• I've even had a few people using Macs (apparently I haven't commented on my feelings about Apple yet)
• and one lonely grease guzzler from doublefootlongswithchili.org (damn that fool is such as egotist)

Well, apparently you people don't have anything to do, which is sad. Why don't you go read a book, do some work, or find a woman.

Or better yet, go get me my fries!

Is That Wide Receiver Having a Seizure?

I'm watching the game last night (CIN/JAX) and Reggie Williams a wide receiver for Jacksonville catches this 12 yard pass. Then he gets up and starts shaking like he's about to bite his tongue and foam at the mouth. "What the hell is that?", then it hits me. He's celebrating. He's celebrating a 12 yard catch. Dude, YOU GET PAID TO CATCH PASSES. I mean, are you really saying, "Hey, look at me. I just did something that surprised me. Yeah for me."

I'll give them the back flip for their first touchdown, but why do players feel the need to peacock themselves around the field every time they do what they're being paid to do. Then there's that stupid drop-to-one-knee-and-lower-your-arm-in-the-direction-your-team-is-driving first down antics. Yes we know you got a first down, we see the yellow line, now go back to the huddle and see if you can't do it again. And the jawing. Man, are you serious. It was one catch, how about the three others you dropped before that. Shut your hole and be thankful those of us that employ you through our support of your league don't decide that kicks to the crotch are the new "in thing" we want to see as part of team celebrations. Trust me, I could sell it to the NFL.

Can you imagine if the idea of celebrating the little victories in our jobs were translated and adopted by other professions. What if truck drivers stopped their trucks and hopped onto the shoulder every time they drove ten miles. Down to one knee, hand open, arm snaps horizontal....NEXT MILE MARKER! Or the guy that leaps out of his cube and starts flexing in his office-mates face, "Hey, I just finished that Java function. What do you have done? What? Nothing....yeah, you got noth'in. I own you."

Here's some advice from Uncle Jimbo to the average NFL showboat. When you make the catch act like you've done it before and you'll do it again. Act like it's no big thing. Because that's far more impressive than the preening.

Ad Campaigns Are Like Presidents

They're either effective or they're not. Generally, bad ads will not just cause me to not buy a product or service, but if they're really bad they'll drive me away from the product entirely. Take Snickers. I like Snickers, but I won't eat them right now because of their horrible ad campaign. What idiot executive looked at the storyboards for these ads and thought, "Yeah, that's a great concept." More than likely the thought was something like this, "Man, I don't understand this at all. It must be good. Hey, I wonder if my assistant remembered to put her bra back on." Do we have a bunch of ex-Fox executives working at M&M/Mars now? Let's see, we'll have people do things with Snickers that they're not intended for like throw at a deer or toss on a fire, and in doing so inform people that they're really tasty and they should buy some. I HATE THESE ADS!

Take the deer hunting one. If they really wanted red-neck deer hunters to buy Snickers wouldn't they have shot the same ad but instead of the deer running away when attacked, they could have had the Snickers bars turn into deadly sharp weapons that slice through the deer, killing it on the spot, automatically gutting and dressing it. Snickers, tasty in the tree stand and deadly quiet from 30 yards. Red-necks would be buying Snickers by the case.

Then there's the one were the um....questionably straight...guy who sees a fire, breaks the glass, grabs a Snickers and throws it on the fire only to have no effect. If you really wanted to sell to questionably straight men, wouldn't you have had the Snickers hit the fire and magically turn into a muscular, shirt-less fireman who douses the fire with urine and gives the guy a sly wink. No doubt that would sell to the questionable straight audience. As it is, the ads make fun of those demographics it portrays and pisses off the rest of us because of their stupidity. Nice job. These are Bush league ads. Too much attempted cleverness, not enough action.

Then we have the Reagan league ads, even if I didn't want it, I'd buy it because of the message. In this category we have the new Milwaukee's Best Light ads. Yep, the "Men Should Act Like Men" ads. I haven't laughed this hard at a series of ads in quite a while. Well done Milwaukee.

Pet Peeve #26: People with Walking Disabilities

No, I'm not talking about traditional physically-disabled people. I'm talking about those people that you watch walk and are pretty sure their parents are a rung or two below you on the evolutionary ladder.

First we have the people who can't pick up their feet when they walk. They do this feet shuffling thing that sounds the Frankenstein monster on a three-day bender. Please…lift your foot, step forward, and put your foot on the ground. Repeat with the opposite foot. Stop dragging your feet like a woman invited into the Colonel's house.

Then there are those people that wear noisy clothes or shoes. Whether it's the swish, swish of nylon pants or the clomp, clomp of non-practical shoes. Nothing drives Uncle Jimbo closer to referring to himself in the third-person and a career in ballistic healing than obnoxious repetitive noises. Fashion should not be noisy!

And finally, we have the people that, when passed in the hall or on the street, refuse to make eye contact or respond to a non-hostile, sometimes even pleasant, greeting. Now rumor has it that the only way to not get shot in NYC is to avoid eye contact. I can respect that. There are enough nut jobs down there that I wouldn’t want to talk to them either. But I live in…..Ah, screw it. I hate people…keep on ignoring me. I’ll be over here admiring my huge collection of slightly used clogs and parachute pants.

The Basic Laws of Stupidity

The Basic Laws of Stupidity as defined by Carlo M. Cipolla, Professor of Economics, UC Berkeley.

Who knew an economics professor could exist in the I quadrant. It is my recommendation that we begin labeling people appropriately. Start with yourself. If you're not an I or a B1, please stop coming to this site.

Asshat of the Week Award

Here is a letter to movie reviewer (sic) Jack Garner.

P.S. If you haven't seen Serenity, please go and see it. If for no other reason than to show Jack Garner he's the worst movie reviewer in the 'verse.

=====================

Dear Jack,

After reading your review of Serenity it took a moment for me to realize that you obviously have never watched a single episode of Firefly on TV or DVD. That is most unfortunate as it is, in my opinion, one for the ages. It is full of real-life humor and real-life conflict, set in a space-western with the campy flavor of an old-school Saturday serial. I'll admit it may not be everyone's cup of tea but given that it's sold hundreds of thousands of DVDs, and Fox executives lay awake at night wondering how they let it get away, this show is loved by a lot of people. And apparently, they're going to see it in droves enough to make a $10,000,000 dent in the box office.

Unfortunately I believe with all movies you review you decide certain movies can be glossed over. Given it's pedigree, you probably felt Serenity was just another attempt to make easy money off a television series (ala Duke of Hazzard) and went into the movie with a preconceived notion of what it would be. You metion "less-than-stellar effects." Believe it or not people enjoy the stylistic approach Whedon (and other's such as Ronald Moore on the television series Battlestar Galactica) uses for his effects. They aren't the sterile cookie-cutter effects we've had to live with since Lucas re-released the "enhanced" original trilogy. Whedon uses his effects to assist with his story telling. Lucas uses them as a crutch.

You refer to average-to-poor performances from the cast. This surprises me considering you didn’t seem to mention any performance problems in the horribly acted Revenge of the Sith. I will neither agree nor disagree with your statement that characters and plot elements are lifted "willy-nilly" from Star Trek and Star Wars. But I find it interesting that you applaud Lucas (re: Revenge of the Sith review) for lifting ideas from "popcorn serials, samurai flicks and westerns", yet rip Whedon for the very same thing. As for the dialogue, if you don't get it, I'm not going to explain it to you. Thank goodness anticipated box office revenue doesn't have any effect on the depth or quality of your reviews.

For many years I have found you a solid rock in the world of movie reviews. If you panned the movie, I enjoyed it. If you raved, I gagged. Thanks for not disappointing me.