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A friend sent me this article. I'm left speechless for a multitude of reasons, doubting my own ability to identify stupidity. Zoinks, maybe my retart-o-meter isn't nearly as good as I thought. Maybe you'd like to comment.

Unnecessary Signs

We've all seen them, the signs that are posted warning stupid people to avoid stupid actions. For example, I'm getting my hair cut yesterday and I see this sign:

"Please, do not use your cell phone while you are getting you haircut. Thank you."

Seriously, do we really need this sign. I don't know about you, but I'm smart enough to know that talking on the phone and having someone runs scissors around my head aren't a good mix. Sort of like having an all-you-can-eat buffet at the Cannes Film Festival. You know Michael Moore is going to be at the festival, and you know he didn't leave his appetite in the states. It just doesn't make sense, and it's definitely not good business.

Is taking that call during your cut really worth the risk of an Edward Scissorhands moment? So I ask again, do we really need this sign? If I were the provider of said hair cut, I wouldn't bother with the sign, I'd just give the dumb ass a hack job that would make Bill Gates' hair stylist proud. One of two things is going to happen, either the bleeding asshat realizes his mistake and doesn't use the phone again, or he goes somewhere else for his next hair cut. Either way you win. No sign necessary.

These signs are preventing stupid people from learning valuable lessons. That is a big problem for me. Pain, suffering, and humiliation are excellent teachers. They should be used all the time, whenever possible.

This Ever Happen To You?

Ever do something and then immediately realize it was a dumb thing to do? I hate that feeling. Like today, I was a courteous driver. I stopped and let someone out of a driveway. As soon as they were in front of me I saw the Dave Mattews Band bumper sticker. I immediately realized I should have just driven by slowly giving them the finger; but it was too late. That will definitely make me think twice next time.

Look! A Frenchman That Doesn't Suck.

Call me crazy but changes are afoot in the land of Brie and feminine armpit hair. Nicolas Sarkozy is not your normal cheese-eating surrender monkey. He's not afraid to tell the Viagra-gorged socialists that the French economy and the country as a whole is on the slippery slope to extinction. Plus, he's actually willing to go on record with appreciation and thanks to America for it's role in the liberation of France in WW II. Holy crap, where did this Frenchy come from?

This guy has decided that France is going to sink or swim with the US. "You mean if we needed to fly over your airspace for a military operation you might let us?" Wow, what a novel concept for a NATO ally. Do you know how I know he's serious about mending the fences between our too countries? He had dinner with Bush, and didn't vomit (that we know of). What other self-respecting Frenchman, or American for that matter, could sit down to dinner with that witless twit, suffer through a formal six course dinner, and not lose control of at least one bodily function. Not many. Sarkozy, you've got my respect.

"But Uncle Jimbo, couldn't it just be lip service?"

Excellent point, it could be. And I wouldn't put it past a Fenchman to stroke the American Ego like a $5 whore before pile-driving some ass-hatted socialist agenda on us. But I don't think so...not this time. I think this guy gets it. He understands the French immigration issue. He understands that America, not the EU, is going to save the free world from fundamentalist Islam. He understands that the world economy balances on the head of a pin and that a strong US economy is the only way to keep it from falling into the abyss. Thank God he gets it, if only the four-day weekenders known as Congress got it. Interestingly, he reminds me a lot of Giuliani.

But the most interesting thing of all. This guy actually got elected as the President of France. That mean that a large percentage of the voters picked him even though they knew he has man-love for America. And that my friends, tells you just how bad it is over there in France. And if we're not careful, we're next. And no amounts of alcohol, Dancing with the Stars, and NASCAR will be able to distract the average American.

Ron Mexico: Pot Monster

In what continues to be a huge head scratcher for me Ron Mexico, a.k.a. Mike Vick, tested positive for pot while in the middle of a federal trial. According to a third party, after finding God immediately after his indictment, and despite God's best effort, Vick has repeatedly failed to return any of God's calls. Very interesting given a recent phone interview between Uncle Jimbo and Mr. Vick immediately after the news broke of his positive test. An excerpt is below:

UJ: "Ron, is it ok if I can you Ron?"
MV: "Um...well...I'd prefer Michael."
UJ: "Okay, Mike. Mike tell me why, given all the attention on you regarding the federal trial, the GA state charges and everything else, would you smoke pot. Other than the obvious reason that your a stoner?"
MV: "Well, you see...I didn't smoke it man. I don't know how I tested positive."
UJ: "Interesting. Any brownies? Bottled water? Too much time playing Madden 08 @ Ricky's house? Positive tests from second hand smoke is probably a real pisser huh? Oops sorry for the pun."
MV: "Hey, I haven't been to Ricky's house in like....a couple weeks. Okay, okay. So I smoked a little."
UJ: "Really?! Just a little you hemp herbivore?"
MV: "Okay, more than a little, like..maybe....."
UJ: "Compare it to the number of times you've THROWN a touch down pass in the NFL."
MV: "Oh hell man, shit, a lot more than that. But that's not my fault man, I can't help it, I've got a weakness and my wide receivers suck."
UJ: "Actually you probably can't call them 'your' wide receivers anymore can you?"
MV: "Aw screw you man, I don't have to take this crap."
UJ: "You're right Mike, you don't have to take this from me. But you are going to have to take it from Big Carl when you get to federal-pound-me-in-the-ass prison. Good luck with that."
MV (nervously): "God...yeah, God will protect me and...um...give me strength, yeah."
UJ: "Really, how's your relationship with God going these days. Are you two pretty tight?"
MV: "We okay. We doing okay."
UJ: "Sure, I bet God loves to have three way conversations with you and Mary Jane. I bet that's in his top ten list of favorite activities. #7, Have long meaningful conversations with Mike Vick while he smokes his bong."
MV: "You know what smart ass...I'll tell you what, or what!"
UJ: "Huh?"
MV: "You want to know something about God? (whispering) He....yeah, he himself told me....he told me to smoke the weed."
UJ: "You know what Mike, even if you whisper, he can still hear you."
MV: "#%@ you, he can not."
UJ: "No, seriously Mike. He can hear it all."
MV: "Scratch that last part then man...(crying) I can't help it.....I just love the chronic. (sobbing) Seriously, can you get me Onterrio Smith's number, I need to get my hands on one of those Whizzinators."
UJ: "Mike, whose urine are you going to use?"
MV: "Your-who, what?"
UJ: "Urine. who's urine?"
MV: "Huh?"
UJ: "Never mind, I'll find the number for you."

OH MY GOD, THE PATRIOTS CHEATED!!!

The following are my random thoughts on the Patriots video taping incident (I refuse to call it Patriot Video Games, Videogate, or any other retarded play on words). From the School of Best Grip Mike's Infantile Film Naming, let's call it 30 Frames Per Second Per Fat Guy With Greasy Fingers Acting Like Moe From The Three Stooges.

Given:
1) Uncle Jimbo is a Pats fan. I have been a Pats fan for a very long time.
2) There is a rule against video taping on the sideline.
3) The Patriots video taped on the sideline.
4.) As a Patriots fan, and a football fan, I believe the Patriots and Belichick deserved to be reprimanded.
5.) The Patriots and Belichick were reprimanded.

Thoughts to consider:
1.) We're not talking about spiking the other teams Gatorade, deflating the ball, or kidnapping their best player the night before the game. No one went Gillooly on Chad Pennington, he can handle that all by himself. nothing new here folks, expect the video camera. How that makes this more "offensive" (parden the pun) I just don't understand.

2.) We are talking about using technology to collect information that any one of 80,000 people at an NFL game could acquire. It's a public activity, all the Patriots did was bypass the binoculars and notepad. Did it break the rules? Yes. Should everyone outside Boston be burning hoodies in effigy, I think not.

3.) Like the democrats and health care, the NFL chose to legislate behavior rather than fix the problem. The NFL competition committee voted down a proposal to provide radio communications between defensive coaches and the defensive players on the field. The vote was 22-10, 24 votes were required to pass. The specifics of the proposal may be flawed, but the spirit of the proposal makes a lot of sense. And I can guarantee you that this proposal will pass next year.

4.) Patriot hating, like Cowboy hating before that, and 49er hating before that, had already started. Success breeds contempt. If you're in the camp of getting all worked up over this, ask yourself this: If Herm Edwards and the Chiefs, or Romeo Crennel and the Browns had done this would it still be a big deal to you?

5.) Spying....er....scouting has been a part of the game since it began. And spying....er...scouting has taken many forms. Some of them may have broken written rules, and even more may have broken some unwritten code of ethics and fair play. The fact is, it's part of the game. In my opinion, the video tape rule is flawed in it's fundamental attempt to regulate something, that is most likely beyond regulation. For every rule you write, there are dozens of loop holes that coaches and team will take advantage of.

6.) Plays, playbooks, signals will constantly be under attack. I say, secure the lines of communication and stop wasting time trying to regulate it. If I were Belichick, I'd put an ad in the paper for an autistic, K-mart underwear wearing, card-counting scout with photographic memory. And then wait for the call from the rules committee.

7.) This will not bring about the fall of the marketing machine known as the NFL as this numb-nuts suggests. However, what might bring down the NFL is all this sissified, "oh, they're cheating", he-said/she-said (my apologies for the Terry Glenn reference) finger pointing. How about we focus on what makes this sport great. Large men lining up, knocking the crap out of each other all while trying to get a funny shaped ball into the end zone.

It was so much simpler when you hated a team because of the color of their uniforms (cough....Dolphins), or because their quarterback was an egotistical rookie who looked like Mr. Ed (cough....Broncos).

Oh Look, A Soap Box

I am a man of few vices: cards, video games, and NFL football. It's tough for me, as a man who despises the emphasis this country puts on celebrity, to start spouting off about the problems with the NFL. It is after, just football. But, I'm going to do it anyway because I can, and because it's stupid.

It took me watching all of 5 games over the weekend to find the glaring example of how a multi-billion dollar organization is sticking it to it's fan base. Yes, I've been on this soap box before, but for whatever reason it I just can let it go. And the NFL just ignores it. Sort of like the rain at the Superbowl last year. (Rain? What rain? It didn't ran at the Superbowl. How could it possibly rain at the Superbowl.)

If you haven't guessed already, it's the officiating. Did anyone see the end of the Ravens/Bengals game Monday night? The Ravens got "jobbed" by some part-time zebra who thought that offensive pass interference was when the offensive players jersey wouldn't let go of the defenders hand. Yes, that's right. Not only did Todd Heap not push off to catch the game tying touchdown, but he was being held (and interfered with) by the defensive player. Yet he drew the flag, was called for interference and the TD was taken off the board. The Ravens ended up not being able to put it in the end zone again, and lost by a touchdown. Can anyone say...(cough)..."I'll take the under for $10,000."

Here is an example of a team that was robbed of a chance to win a game against a division opponent on the road. When is the NFL going to get serious about officials and hire full-time people. There is no way these part-timers are investing the time necessary to prepare for games week in and week out. They are too busy saving the lives of coke-addicted starlets and defending hip-hop rap "gangsta's" from gun possession charges.

What's it going to take before someone realizes that big business requires big commitment. Are we going to have to wait until some whacked out Ravens fans stalks down the back judge and shanks him while he's collecting from his bookie?

Full-time officials. Off-season training and work programs. During the week preparation. Is it really that hard? If you're not going to fix it, then at least open these "judgment call" decision up to instant replay. No replay official in the world would have called that offensive pass interference.

Hell NFL, why not just off-shore it or hire some of that "illegal" labor that's so popular in the states. It wouldn't be any worse than the travesty that is NFL officiating.

Use the Correct Tool Jackass

Just a brief note to all you so-called computer users who don't seem to understand which software application to use for your various tasks. Specifically all you wankers who think it's a good idea to write a novel using Microsoft Excel.

If you want to write a book (paper, request for proposal, or any other text heavy document) use the proper tool, it's called Microsoft Word (or any other Word processor, I'm not pitching MS products, just assuming you're using the same tool as the rest of the lemmings.)

W O R D. You use them to speak (barely) and to write (I use the word loosely), now use it to capture your WORDS. Excel is for numbers, jackass. In Excel, look under tools options. Do you see a Grammar checker? No? That's because you shouldn't be writing sentences in Excel!

"But Excel is so easy!" (slap). [The only thing I can think of is that they like Excel because of the row and column layout.] Hey, fart knocker, you can create tables in Word. They have rows and columns and everything. You can move them around, resize them, whatever you want.

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm starting a petition, since it's the new "in thing" to do. This is a petition to the Microsoft marketing team with the purpose of having them change the names of Excel, PowerPoint and Access. I am recommending the names Numbers, Slides, and Information I'll Never Use. I know the last one is a bit long, but none of the yahoos I'm talking about would even know what to do with Access anyway. They'd start the application and then sit there drooling, trying to understand why they have to save a file when they haven't typed anything yet.

So, please sign my petition.

Hey, numb nuts....here's a dead fish, go build me a fence.

For The Love of Plot Continuity

So I introduced my son to Star Wars the other day. While I'm not a fan of George Lucas as a director, the core of his work is a wonderful story, and one that non-sarcastic tykes can enjoy without reservation. I look forward to reliving my enjoyment of the films, and watching to see how even the Ewoks might have some special place in my son's heart.

I enjoy hearing him say names like Chewbacca, and especially enjoy being awaked by threats that Ben Kenobi and Luke Skywalker are going to blaster me with their starfighter made of Magnetix and imagination. My wife told me they were pushing the shopping cart down the isle and, as it began to drift, my son said, "Stay on target! Stay on target!" Equating the shopping cart and grocery isle to the Death Star's trench is no simple feat for a three and a half year old.

About mid-way through Empire Strikes Back I had an epiphany regarding a major plot element of the Star Wars saga. Sure others have found a number of inconsistencies and continuity errors. But this one is, IMO, a big one. One that I've never heard anyone else talk about (but I'm sure the Star Wars geek has already beaten this one to death like a dead tauntaun.)

So let's go back (or is it forward) to episode III. The Jedi have been destroyed, Anakin is lying, burning on a pile of ash, and the twins have been born. Yoda and Kenobi decide to hide them in an attempt to avoid the Emperor and/or Vadar from finding them. They send the girl to live with Senator Organa, where he adopts her and gives her the name Leia Organa. Thin but supportable plot. Works for me.

But then Yoda and Kenobi lose all ability to reason, apparently the Force lost faith in them and said, "Screw you, I'm going home!" With Leia safely tucked away, they give the boy to Anakin's half-brother on Tattooine, leave Kenobi to watch over him, and name him Luke Skywalker.

Hello, idiots. Why would you not give him Owen's sir name? I mean, it's not like this young Skywalker will be running around on the only planet in the galaxy where the name Skywalker might be know, right? What, is Skywalker the galaxy's version of Johnson or Smith?

Sure, Vadar didn't know Padme survived and therefore didn't know the children were alive. Nor did Yoda or Obi Wan know that Anakin was alive and in the form of Vader (at what point did they discover this?). But come on.

Lucas was obviously spending too much time birthing Jar-Jar to take a serious look at his plot details. Or did he assume that the average viewer wouldn't be able to work through who little Ani was without giving him the Skywalker name. Either way, it's weak.

Check out the cool new poll feature of Blogspot on the right.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Saw this last night, how people continue to listen to anything that this guy says is unbelievable. Based on this rant, Best Grip Mike just got a nomination for Asshat of the Year.

While he says he doesn't do sound bites, this interview was full of them. Here is my favorite:

"...we've proven we can do things like that [Medicare] and Social Security, and other things really well."

Um....I....um....did you really say "we do Social Security really well"? I know your "policy" is to only do live interviews. I HIGHLY recommend you reconsider that policy.

Part 2 will be on tonight. Plus, Glenn Beck rocks.

Asshat of the Month Award

Ah, the Asshat awards. Nothing brings out the fight in uncle Jimbo more than the battle for the title of Crown Prince of Idiocy. As usual it was a dogfight between Best Grip Mike (Moore) and his [current] insane ravings and a select few individuals whose mental powers prohibit them from applying for any job which require the use of heavy equipment. So, without further verbosity, here are the finalists:

Michael Moore: writer/director, nominated for Sicko.

Al Gore: self-proclaimed inventor of the Internet and savior of mother earth, nominated for his personal inconvenient truth (personal electric bill).

Jack Thompson: lawyer, God-fearing Republican, and crusader against the wretched hive of villainy know as the entertainment industry, nominated just for being himself.

Wow, this is a great group of nominees. We've got the man who double-fists foot-longs and uses a garden hose to drink his margaritas from a kiddie pool bashing Republicans for the poor condition of the health care system. Easy winner you say. Probably. But I haven't seen the "film" so I don't feel as those I can properly comment on the issue. Yeah, right. Sure I can.

Dear Mike, Hello [knocks on his oversized mellon] you big fat walking heart attack. The biggest problem with our health-care system isn't the cost of drugs, or the doctors, or yes, even the Republicans. It's all the fat, unhealthy bastards like you that live your lives under the freedoms and liberties of this country, not worried a bit about your health until the pseudo-meat and Cheese Whiz finally seizes up your pumper. Then it's all about how the "system" failed you. The insurance is too expensive, the drugs are too expensive, blah blah blah. The system that failed you is the one that kept your food-filled hand continually entering your mouth. Things are broken in this country because people fail to take responsibility for their own actions. As much as I'd like to keep going, the other nominees needs some airtime.

Al, Al, Al. You ignorant slut. $30,000/year in utility bills. Nice...your Honor, In light of this new evidence, I rest my case. Things are broken in this country because people fail to take responsibility for their own actions. [FYI, he's another fat bastard that's going to be taxing our health-care system in a couple of years.]

And then there's Jack Thompson. Many of you might not know him, but he will most likely be a multi-award winning asshat. I probably should have commented on him before, I must be slipping in my old age. If you do any research on this guy you'll find someone, despite his God-fearing, Republican background, that is more about regulating behavior than he is about reforming behavior.

It a nutshell, he believes that the evils (e.g. violence) of the entertainment industry, are what drive certain youth to commit crimes such as the Virgina Tech and Columbine incidents. He has specifically targeted violent video games as a key source of this anti-social behavior calling them "murder simulators". As a father, Republican, God-fearing man, and video game player, I think you're an asshat Jack Thompson. You win this month's award.

It couldn't possibly be the lack of proper parenting or the sensationalized media coverage that drive these troubled kids to violence. Millions of kids play semi-violent or violent video games. I and millions of kids have watched a coyote take an anvil to the head and plummet into a cloud of dust. superheroes beat up super-villians, cowboys shoot indians (and other cowboys). Over 99.99 percent of those children have never taken up arms against their peers. From a purely mathematical perspective all your points are invalid. The numbers just don't bear out the cause and effect you're trying to sell. Quite trying to regulate behavior and start working to reform it. Things are broken in this country because people fail to take responsibility for their own actions.

And for the record Jack, video games don't make me want to kick your ass, YOU make me want to kick your ass.

Occam's Razor

Call me old fashioned, but where have all the good horror movies gone? Sure we still have the occasion classic B-movie remake/revisioning, but new IPs almost all fall into what I refer to as dismemberment flicks. During the heyday of the horror movies, we had quality suspense films, slasher flicks, and a variety of other sub-genres that provided options for those of us who like to be scared silly. Everything now is ultra-violent, with an over abundance of visible brutality. Hitchcock has got to be yelling, "Cut! Who wrote this crap!" in his grave.

Which is a great segue to this gem, from Hostel II director Eli Roth.

Eli Roth, William of Occam. William of Occam, Eli Roth. You two should talk. Eli, before you two have a battle of wits, let me get you warmed up...you're going to need it. You think that your movie tanked because of piracy. Let's look at the number. $8.7 million opening week (6th place), with only an expect $30 in domestic ticket sales. Nice, bet the studio is proud.

So let's dissect your allegation. You claim that "pirates" ruined your movie. [Note: Generally, bringing awareness to pirates is a good thing, as I'm a big fan of most pirates (excluding butt pirates).] But your claim isn't really that a pirated version made it's way into people hands, who watched the film and then elected (for whatever reason) to not buy a ticket to your film. This is the traditional claim of lost revenue to piracy, direct revenue loss due to grey/black market product. You decided to take a different approach and blame not only the pirates, but also the disreputable reviewers/critics who are out to get you. Let me break this down for you very simply, I see that William is smelling blood and is getting impatient.

You contend that people across the country who would have gone to your film but didn't, did so because they read the jaded reviews of a handful of venge-filled critics who acquired a version of your film from pirates. Hey William, you're on deck.

Eli, you ignorant slut. You assume that the average movie-goer reads or cares about what movie reviewers say. You assume that there are a plethora of reviews who are willing to risk their livelihoods to torpedo your so-called career. And you assume that none of the following could possibly be true:

Uncle Jimbo's Top Ten Reasons Why Hostel II Won't Break $30million (created using the simple theory of William of Occam's razor)

10. Made a tough decision, "Dancing with the stars" won.
9. Thought the film was made by Eli Manning, knew the ending would be a letdown.
8. Saw the first Hostel.
7. There are a zillion better things to do on a summer weekend that go pay $30 for a sensory beating in a dark, smelly theatre.
6. Huge NASCAR event this weekend cut into your ticket sales.
5. Saw the first Hostel.
4. You titled your film Eli Roth's Hostel: Part II. That implies that people know or care who you are, like you're Tarantino or something. People won't go see it because they're not "in the know".
3. All the would-be serial killers where planning their summer.
2. People want their horror genre back. Less gore, more scare.
1. The movie blows. Word travels fast.

Have at 'em William.

P.S. Eli, Piracy won't kill your DVD sales, your movie will kill your DVD sales.

Where was Uncle Jimbo?

I know many of you were wondering, what happened to Uncle Jimbo? It's quite simple actually. I was traveling the world in search of truth, American Justice, and the secret ingredient to KFC. (You know, the ingredient that makes you crave the stuff once a year despite the fact that you've puked the last five times you've eaten it.)

Don't believe me? Good, I wouldn't either. Fact is, while I've had comments on a bunch of different things the following issues got in the way:

A) My life
B) Specifically, my family
C) My job (yeah I know, "what the hell?")
D) A lack of sarcastic response

Little did I know that I was being impacted by something that afflicts nearly 290 million Americans. Diminished Sarcastic Response Syndrome or DSRS. Nearly all of you have it, and you don't even realize it. I thought I was fine, but guess what? I was right. LOL.

What did you think I was about to break into some infomercial for some drug called Blowmax that would increase my sarcastic response? Please. You either have it or you don't. And Uncle Jimbo's still got it. I also think my three year old has it.

We were sitting on the couch the other day talking and he asked me a question about something. So in typical fashion I expounded on the subject in an adult-like, but understandable-to-a-three-year-old way. When I was done he said, "Thanks for explaining that Dad." He's three, with a good sense of humor. I paused. Matter of fact tone? Check. Contextual understanding? Check. Open for interpretation? Check. I had to admit to myself, I may have just been smacked with my sons first sarcasm. Then again, he's a polite boy. He may have been sincere. Either way it was a very proud moment. Polite sarcasm......(insert insidious laughter here)

Burgers + Camera Tricks + Little People = Head Scratch

So I see this commercial for Burger King the other day. First, I have to say that I'm really, REALLY glad that "The King" isn't the exclusive campaign for BK. That guy is super creepy. Creepy, like he's actually from an alternate dimension where giant plastic heads are the "in" thing like boob jobs and piercings are here.

So this ad has a bunch of construction workers building burgers. Of course the best way to build burgers, according BK, is to hire really small people with tiny construction equipment. But I'm not going to get into the economics of miniaturization in today's post.

Can someone explain to me, if you're using photographic or digital effects to shrink the actors and equipment down in size, why did they need to hire little people to play the roles of the construction workers? I mean, I've got to believe that the daily rate for little people actors is a bit higher than your average "waiter turned daytime soap star" actor right? What am I missing?

Is there some written or implied rule of the actors guild that states that for all roles implying full time smallness (e.g. not Honey, I Shrunk the Kids) that little people must be used? Or is there some deeper, more sinister reason behind this seemingly ridiculous casting?

While not as creepy as "The King," its still just as puzzling. But, at least it's not the urban, hip-hop, eat our food cause it tastes good and you'll be "ho'in fo Mickey D ya wizzle" crap that McDonalds churns out. Man those commericals blow.