Dear Chuck,

I saw your little speech on the floor of the senate the other day. While I don't know what is required to be considered a member of your "chattering class", I can say that I am a member of another class, the New York registered voters class.

As such, I'd like to let you know my perspective on the Economic Reinvestment and Recovery Act of 2009. I do care. I care about the good spending and bad spending. I care about the pork and the real stimulus. I care about each and every dollar you and your ass-hatted cohorts spend because that is one more dollar (sic) that my grandchildren will have to pay back....with interest.

You'll tax us with direct taxes. You'll tax us with inflation. You'll do whatever it takes to maintain the facade that our government knows best to ensure the security of your "political class". You had one thing right. There is a class of people that don't care about pork amendments. I call them the American Idol class. They're the ones that are asleep. They're the ones that either don't vote in politics or vote for whomever will guarantee their ability to watch American Idol and provide them the opportunity to make a meaningful vote.

But that's not me. I'm a member of a class of people that you don't want to piss off Chuck. Let's call us the SADOL class. We've been praying that our government would find it's way in these dark times. Hoping that men of honor would rise up, take charge, and bring real leadership. Alas, all we keep seeing is you, Dodd, McCain, Specter, Frank and of course Pelosi. We know that God hears our prayers, but He doesn't intend to do the wet work for us. We're going to have to take action. You, "my friend", are playing a gigantic game of Jenga, and you best be careful. There is a huge shitstorm of trouble about to fall on your head if you are not careful with your next piece.

Let me make this promise to you. When you are near the end, with your drool-covered chin, your fouled undergarments, and your failing health, I will be right there for you. I'll make sure you get all the benefits of our future national health care system AND NOTHING MORE. This is my promise to you Chuck.

And let me finish with a slightly editorialized version of a quote from Harrison Ford's character Jack Ryan in the movie Patriot Games.

"I don't give a shit whether you voted for it or not. But if you screw me, my children, and my grand-children, I will put such a stranglehold on your tax money that you will be out in the streets panhandling for your social program! I will fucking destroy you! I will make it my mission in life!"

The Sons and Daughters of Liberty (SADOL) are watching you Chuck. And we care about every dollar, every line of legislation, and every tiny, porky infringement on our liberties. Careful with that next Jenga piece.

27% of Americans Don't Have The Credit to Buy a Clue

People are so stupid, uneducation, and uninformed. Here is a quote from a Glenn Beck interview of a pollster.

"RASMUSSEN: You know, we just did a poll and we found out that about 38% blame the Bush administration for our problems with the economy right now, 27% blame congress, 11% blame the Clinton administration, you know."

Yes, only 27% of this country blames congress. Holy crap. This is what we have to fix. We have to education, inform, and roshambo these doltsuntil they understand who is to blame.

Here's Uncle Jimbo's percentages:
70% Congress
20% Fed
10% President (Bush, Clinton, FDR, Nixon, etc.)

Now, you could consider the Fed number in with the president, but I prefer to call them out seperately because stupid is as stupid does.

Accountability, Responsibility, and Common Sense

I often feel that our representatives have lost touch with American citizens and with reality. We see so many examples of this that it's not worth listing them here. What we rarely see is someone willing to stand up and take accountability, and articulate a clear path to fixing most of what ails this country.

Tom Coburn is a senator for Oklahoma that would get my vote today, for any office, based on this single speech. Now, unlike Coburn, I strongly believe we should have let the banks twist in the wind. The bailout provides no guarantees of righting the ship, but it does guarantee that government gets bigger, our dollar will be devalued, and our Congressional branch has surrender more of it's power to the Executive branch. Of course, there was so much fear-mongering that was no way in hell this thing wouldn't pass.

Average American Lemming: "But Uncle Jimbo, our sixth largest bank [Washington Mutual] just failed."

Uncle Jimbo: "Yes, it did. But you know what? Now we have a new sixth largest bank. Isn't the free market wonderful."

One thing, among many, that has driven me nuts over the last several weeks has been the interchangeable use of the terms [de]regulation and oversight. So let me clarify it for everyone, WE DO NOT NEED MORE REGULATION. We need less. We do, however, need more oversight that's not derailed by a socialist agenda. [Let me take a second to comment on this video. While the editing and comments were obviously done with intent to support an agenda, it is obvious that people knew there was a problem, that the problem jeopordized a social program enabling lower income people to purchase homes, and that Congressional oversight ignored the warnings for fear of their prized program being derailed.]

So, do we need some regulation? Probably. I'm not going to blow the "completely free market" smoke up your ass. But the more regulation you have the more oversight you need to ensure compliance. Operational reality dictates that we can't have an over-regulated system.

AAL: "Uncle Jimbo, I'm still confused. Both Biden and Palin suggested we need more regulation."

UJ: "Of course they did. They are both mouth-pieces for an extreme socialist and a maverick socialist. Look it's simple; fewer rules, and more verification of compliance with those rules. If you still don't understand, I can't help you."

Pelosi, the democrats, the media, and a bunch of others have tried to throw all the blame on Bush and his administration. Coburn has it right. Congress is on the hook for all of this. If they didn't legislate the problems specifically they abdicated their power to the executive branch which makes them just as culpable. Bush is an asshat for sure, but Congress hung us out to dry. Make sure you understand the races for your congressional representatives this November. I for one am voting out every incumbent until we get some that think like Coburn.

Until we as citizens show common sense, accountability, and responsibility in our daily lives how can we possibly hold our representatives to a higher standard.

Uncle Jimbo's Top Ten Ways to Be More Accountable, Responsible and filled with Common Sense

10. Even though you really love the way the place looks, avoid signing a mortgage for your 5000 sq ft. estate until you've secured your first golden parachute.

9. Put down the People magazine. What Katie wears or what visions Mapother is having are not important.

8. Read more. Start with the Constitution. Then work up. I'll let you figure out for yourselves what's above the Constitution.

7. If you still drive a vehicle that gets less than 20 MPG, shoot yourself in the head. Thank you in advance.

6. The American Dream has always been to own a home with a white picket fence. Make sure, before you try to buy that home that you are actually, legally, an American.

5. Go see American Carol.

4. Put the fork down. Walk away from the cake.

3. Stop caring about reality TV, start caring about reality.

2. If you can't adhere to 3-10, please have yourself sterilized. Voluntary sterilization is much better than the alternative, Uncle Jimbo's Sterilization Stand and Juice Bar.

1. Stop being a lemming. Stop burying your head in the sand, understand the issues, and make informed decisions.

Joe Biden. Patriot Creator.

Now that they have completely subjugated the lower class, the Democratic party is trying to turn the middle class into entitlement whores. Let me get this straight Barrack Hood and Fryer Biden, you want to steal from the rich and give to the poor and middle class. Not because we've earned it, but because we're, apparently, entitled to it. And in doing so the rich are transformed into the greatest of all patriots (outside of Tom Brady and Thomas Jefferson).

Wow, what a wonderful story. But you fail to mention the second part of your "altruistic" plan. Because, you know and I know that in a couple of years, you're just going to raises the taxes on everyone to pay for your new social programs, or worse yet just cook the books and ignore your tax and spend and spend and spend philosophy.

Quite blowing smoke you giant gas bag. Until you financially-challenged ass goblins get your spending under control the tax situation will never be satisfactory to any class. Stop trying to redistribute wealth. Oh and one more thing.....THE GOVERNMENT DOESN'T KNOW HOW BEST TO USE OUR MONEY, WE DO!

Uncle Jimbo goes offsite

There's an interesting discussion in the comments of this blog post. Uncle Jimbo jumps in with both feet.

Elliott Spitzer: Tax Reform Expert

Apparently, Spitzer has some additional explaining to do. This new IT-201 New York State Tax (long) form is new for 2007 tax returns. Oh come on Elliott.

I bet your wife really regrets the day, back when you were the attorney general, when she said, "Elliott, don't you think you're coming down a little hard on the prostitutes?"

ba dum bah!

Animals Are Cool....

unless you pay thousands of dollars for health care over their short life span or end up in jail for "accidentally" killing one. I am at a loss to understand the prominence we have bestowed upon animals in this country and the amount of money wasted on keeping them alive. All you animal people are freaks. Period.

Someone I know spent almost $2000 for surgery to remove a hand towel from her dog's stomach. Yes, a hand towel. The dog ate a HAND TOWEL. Shockingly, the dog couldn't pass the towel. Tell me, why are you spending money on an animal so dumb, that it eats a tasteless towel so large it couldn't get the whole thing in it's mouth. My recommendation. Let the dog figure out what it's going to do. Believe it or not, we're now interfering in the evolution (i.e. survival of the fittest) of our pets. That dog should be pushing daisies in the back yard next to the swing set. Not sniffing out it's next meal in the home department at Macy's.

Then there's the other person who spent $6000 dollars on neck surgery for her dog. Um...can it walk? Can it lick itself? Yes? No surgery needed. NEXT! People are so strange.

My personal pet salary cap? $200. If an animal costs more than $200 over it's lifetime (excluding food), it's too much. Call me heartless if you want. We spend all this time breeding animals we know are going to have bad hips, diabetes, and other disorders. But we do it anyway. Because everyone wants the pure breed. People are sick.

Note to animal lover, $15 will get you Mr. Sleepy Shot and all your other costs go away. Think about that next time your animal eats something it can't possibly discharge. Oh, and don't even get me started on dog shows....or cats.

As for the guy that got 4 months in jail for killing his girlfriends cat. I have only one question. How did you not get the job done on the other one?

When Will It End? How's Never, is Never Good For You?

It's pretty rare that I feel sorry for a politician, but this guy can't buy a break. Maybe he's a racist, but my guess is he doesn't hate black people. My guess he's just stupid.

What the NAACP and all politically correct asshats fail to understand is that people have the right (thank you First Amendment) to say whatever they want (with a few specific excepts). What many people are failing to come to grips with is that language is fluid and people's speech, thanks to an ever falling level of proper use, varies widely. Words mean different things to different people. Any attempt to hold people to a common standard of good taste, morality, articulation, and intelligence is a futile effort.

At the center of this issue is the use of linguistic style and "short-cuts". Analogies, metaphors, colloquialisms, and even sarcasm, contribute to a variety of communication styles that require everyone understand the context of the language. In this world of sound bites and knee jerk reactions, context always seems to take a back seat to social agendas. Reading/hearing the words without understanding the underlying intent makes you as ignorant as those who's words you are attacking.

Let's take the lynching comment. I'm sure the term "lynch mob" generates very different imagery in Utah than it does in Mississippi. He used the term to get a point across in a very concise way. I understand what he was trying to say. We get this reaction from Mr. Lewis:

"The man knows nothing about what a lynch mob is...It's an insult for the man to say he's being lynched when we know what real lynchings are."

Really Mr. Lewis, when is the last time you witnessed a lynching? Really, you think Buttars actually thought he had a group of hate-filled people running around suburban Salt Lake with some rope? Really!

Well you know what Mr. Lewis, you're a shithead. And so there is no confusion, I do not believe you actually have feces in or on your head. Uncle Jimbo doesn't live in an African-American and white world. He lives in a world filled with levels gray (and Asians). Buttars should know this too. He should have been smart enough, given the current hot water he was in, to choose his words more carefully and avoid terms like "lynch mob". That just makes him stupid, along with Mr. Lewis and the rest of the NAACP.

My final thought. If we spent more time teaching our kids real world linguistic skills including both proper and common usage along with a little bit of tolerance we'd all be better off. Unfortunately my complete lack of faith in humanity leads me to believe that this slippery slope of chocolate-colored political correctness will NEVER end.

Gimp Saved from the Steely Toothed Maw of Darwin

I'd say, "Only in New York City", but this is probably happening in Hoboken too. Hangy Spanky. Great article title. I'll tell you this, if his foot slipping out of his shoe means that his feet are no longer touching the floor, then his feet weren't touching the floor in the first place. Hopefully New York's finest can figure that one out without me or David Caruso (sic! As if he would help).

You can picture it now..."Go get the gimp, oh crap he's blue!" What a bunch of fruit cakes. I can only hope that "Roger" wasn't our very own Col. Dutch Mustard. I know things have been a bit dry for him lately but I hope he hasn't fallen back into this life style. Dutch, where were you this weekend? Should I send a card and new leather chaps?

And the PC Beat Goes On

Just when you thought the only retarded thing to come out of Virginia was...um...everyone. It turns out that's true. The politically correct state senate found it necessary to ban the term "retarded".

What the article failed to mention is that the majority of the senator's stationary, name tags, and security badges will also have to be updated.

FACT: Mental retardation affects all levels of government. Changing the name won't change the fact.

Use the Correct Tool Jackass

Just a brief note to all you so-called computer users who don't seem to understand which software application to use for your various tasks. Specifically all you wankers who think it's a good idea to write a novel using Microsoft Excel.

If you want to write a book (paper, request for proposal, or any other text heavy document) use the proper tool, it's called Microsoft Word (or any other Word processor, I'm not pitching MS products, just assuming you're using the same tool as the rest of the lemmings.)

W O R D. You use them to speak (barely) and to write (I use the word loosely), now use it to capture your WORDS. Excel is for numbers, jackass. In Excel, look under tools options. Do you see a Grammar checker? No? That's because you shouldn't be writing sentences in Excel!

"But Excel is so easy!" (slap). [The only thing I can think of is that they like Excel because of the row and column layout.] Hey, fart knocker, you can create tables in Word. They have rows and columns and everything. You can move them around, resize them, whatever you want.

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm starting a petition, since it's the new "in thing" to do. This is a petition to the Microsoft marketing team with the purpose of having them change the names of Excel, PowerPoint and Access. I am recommending the names Numbers, Slides, and Information I'll Never Use. I know the last one is a bit long, but none of the yahoos I'm talking about would even know what to do with Access anyway. They'd start the application and then sit there drooling, trying to understand why they have to save a file when they haven't typed anything yet.

So, please sign my petition.

Hey, numb nuts....here's a dead fish, go build me a fence.

In the Beginning, God Made Stupid

For it was not good that man should always be right. Man must make mistakes, to learn from them. But stupid was easy, and man clung to it. Soon Stupid begat Stupid, who begat Stupid, and his brother Dumb. And then Dumb begat Ignorant through inappropriate relations with Dense. Soon the world was filled with Stupid and all it's relations. And so it is to this day.

This is the only explanation for this one. What tool thought this one through and said, "Yeah, fish and coral will love the smell and feel of tires." Dumbass. This just proves that our children won't be unique in their utter disgust for what their ancestors did.

Now, let's take the fight to stupid. Use guns, napalm, and old tires if necessary.

The Return of Uncle Jimbo

Alright, so I didn't surrender. I couldn't do it. Free time has been at a premium, hence my recent extended absence. However, the pressures of life have been building somewhat recently and thought it might help to blow off a little steam and remind you all how much I despise stupidity. Human stupidity is a given, but why does it have to slap me in the face on a regular basis. One one hand, Atlantis is in orbit today as we continue to build an orbital space station. Meanwhile somewhere on the planet (probably in the southern United States), someone is watching the first 15 minutes of 2001: A Space Odyssey for the first time and thinking it reminds him of the fight he saw down at the bar last week.

How is it that we have such a variance in intelligence within the species? Do other species have the same issue? We see monkeys flinging crap and think, "Man, it's good to be more evolved." I think there is actually a monkey sitting there yelling at a companion, "What the hell?! Can't we just go out for dinner without you tossing your crap at some stranger? Damn stupid monkey." I think that probably happens a lot.

That same monkey watches as people pass by the zoo cage and thinks to himself, "Sure you can make movies, but have you watched them? I'd like to fling some celluloid at you after sitting through Fahrenheit 9/11."

Here are a couple of things to ponder:

"The depth of collective human ingenuity is surpassed only by the breadth of individual human stupidity." -- Uncle Jimbo

"Monkeys are cool. Smart monkeys are way cooler and they'll make better rulers than apes." -- Uncle Jimbo

Man Fingers Himself (Aw Come On, That's Not What I Meant)

Required Reading Before The Test


Now, let's begin.

The Test:
You've recently been fired from your night shift at Dunkin Donuts, do you:
A) Go on a three day bender
B) Interview at the local parks and recreation department
C) Visit the local graveyard and knock down headstones in hopes of landing said P&R job
D) All of the above

Your real motivation for desecrating the graveyard is that:
A) Pushing over large stones makes you feel manly
B) You want to find all the people that said you'd never amount to anything and teach them a lesson. Covering the entire population requires a visit to the graveyard
C) The zombies were trying to get you
D) All of the above

During the graveyard shenanigans you sever your finger, do you:
A) Scream like a little girl
B) Run like the wind, afraid you will no longer be able to open and consume a can of Old Milwaukee in under 10 seconds
C) Leave the severed finger as an offering, hoping against hope it will not further incite the zombies to eat your brain
D) All of the above

For treatment of injured hand you:
A) Involve the police
B) Warn them that they won't find the finger anywhere near the zombie-filled graveyard
C) Forget to tell them that you severed you finger in an attempt to stop some hoodlums from destroying gravestones
D) All of the above

You end your night by:
A) Signing a waiver for "Cops"
B) Wishing you'd lost your entire hand so you could attach a chainsaw
C) Wondering, as you sit in lockup, if you'll be able to fight off Carl, the 330 pound redneck transvestite, with only nine digits
D) All of the above


Answer Key:
It doesn't really matter what you scored, had you been involved in any way in the situation described above you're a dumb ass. Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect unemployment.

"Click It or Stick a Guard Rail In Your Skull"

Why do governments feel the need to protect citizens from their own stupidity? Take this article for instance. I don't even have to read beyond the sub-title. People who don't wear their seat belts should get everything they deserve, free steel head-gear and all. $31 million to monitor if gifted red-neck pickup drivers are wearing their seat belts on the back roads of Tennessee.

Other than the obvious insurance and health-care impacts of keeping seriously injured but, unfortunately, not mortally wounded seat-belt free accident victims alive, what possible benefit do programs such as "Click It or Ticket" have? However, even that impact will be short-lived as most people that are dead or in a vegetative state are unable to reproduce. To wear or not wear a seat belt? Here's a great personal liberty that the government shouldn't be getting involved in. If someone finds seat belts bothersome and uncomfortable, then please, please let them drive without them. They aren't putting anyone but themselves in danger. Other than the on-scene clean up crew, I don't think anyone but the seat-belt free idiot loses.

People wonder why the world isn't advancing fast enough. Why do we still have people that are poor, hungry, and homeless? Because we continually thwart the basic principles of nature: such as survival of the fittest. Instead of attempting to solve the right problems, we tackle the easy ones. We create ridiculous laws, and then have special programs to create awareness and "enforce" compliance.

Uncle Jimbo has a few ideas regarding more appropriate programs for our tax dollars. Let's focus on creating awareness and enforcement programs like these:

Crack It and Whack It: This one is very basic. Find the mothers giving birth to crack-addicted babies, and whack the $hit out of them. Making sure in the process that she fully understands she can either have the drugs, or the baby, but not both. the name of the program can be adjusted to meet the needs of other types of drugs.

Code It or Explode It: Find and destroy all the software development houses that create crappy software. Nothing is holding back technology more than a bunch of useless hacks creating uninspired, unusable, productivity killing software. If this was a federal program, Microsoft would have been repeatedly fire-bombed and the two most heinous software words in my daily life might not be relevant anymore: Lotus Notes.

Act or STFU: This is a California specific program that rounds up celebrities, in the wild, attempting to make statements in the areas of politics, religion, or any other meaningful area of interest. NO ONE WITH AN IQ OVER 110 CARES WHAT YOU THINK. STFU. Officers will be equipped with a trunk full of second hand socks to handle the completely unruly crowd like Best Grip Mike and Tommy Mapother.

Hang It or Bang It: My personal favorite. Laws would be created that would provide the common man (or woman) the ability to stop a moving vehicle whose driver is on a cell phone, extract them from the vehicle, and violate their person in any way that seems appropriate, ideally with the cell phone in question. Phonebang 'em til it hurts. Just make sure it's not set to vibrate, some of them might like it.

If you see a violation of the laws of nature, an act of a government or private organization providing stupid people the opportunity to escape the grasp of natural selection, please report it. It's the only way the rest of us aren't going to be bred out of existence.

Only in America, and Only in the South

Can someone from the South please explain this to me? Explain how you celebrate getting your ass kicked. Now before you all go Hillary on me, let me state that anyone who fights (and potentially dies) for what he believes in should be commended. That being said, we're talking about formal state holidays where paid state employees get the day off. What the hell is next, Bay of Pigs Day?

Hell, most people don't respect the federal holiday's we have like the 4th of July and Memorial Day. They're simply days people don't have to go to work. Taking a day off isn't going to help people "never forget their sacrifices". Hell, if we started taking days off for every group of people who've made sacrifices we end up working less than the French.

Hey southerners, suck it up, remember your ancestors on your own dime, and get back to work.

Those crazy customers...

There's the old adage, "The custom is always right." I couldn't agree more, unless the customer has opened their mouth, then all bets are off. Look, there are a lot, and I mean a lot, of stupid people in the world. Guess what, most of them are someone's customer. You do the math.

Here's a great example of someone telling the "customer" the truth...and apparently, it hurt.

My new adage, "Customers are stupid lemmings....with money." It always helps to keep me focused.

Outsourcing: It's Not Just Dumb, It's Deadly

A disaster like this can ruin a company. Only time how well Reebok can survive the consumer backlash, lawsuit, and all the negative press. Is this actually a new Chinese plot, or simply a lack of intelligence in the marketing department at Reebok? Obviously the excitement from the "I can get 'em for 5 cent each!" marketing department has faded.

When is corporate America going to realize that, although there are a lot of fat, lazy American workers, most likely they'll still do a better job than someone in China, India, or some other non-English speaking country.

While the cost per unit savings in a manufacturing industry might be easy to monitor, I don't think the same holds true for technology jobs. It seems like outsourcing technology jobs is still a "good idea". A while back Dell claimed they were no longer outsourcing technical support to India. It appears as though it was only one company in India that lost their business. Turns out, only corporate customers get the benefit of no calls being handled in India.

I'm sure the metrics and financials for outsourcing technology jobs are complex, and it's probably very easy to look at the per hour wages being paid to employees and say that the company is saving money. A proper analysis would look at some of the other, softer factors such as customer satisfaction, productivity losses due to time zone and language barriers, etc.

I have many other thoughts on this subject but I'll simply provide the sage wisdom that only Scott Adams can provide in three simple frames. (checkout the follow up from 3/28).

Vanity Plates: Have We Gone Too Far?

I'll throw this out there right up front. I'm not a fan of vanity plates. There was the great "Assman" episode of Seinfeld that proved that vanity plates can be dangerous, but short of a good chuckle they pretty much annoy me. I don't need to know that you're a doctor. I can tell that by your driving. And I don't need to know you're a Bills fan. I can that tell by your driving. And the latest one I've seen, I don't care that you're a NASCAR fan. I can tell by the slack jaw and protruding forehead. (At least that's how I used to tell.)

On my way to work today we see a nice late model Jetta. Excellent shape...very clean. And then my eyes are drawn to the license plate.

DALEJUNR.

I laugh to myself. Damn, another stupid NASCAR fan. Spending money on a vanity plate to show their allegiance to Dale jr. Then I thought, "Wow, that means that DALEJR was already taken." If you can't get the "cool" version of the plate you're better off just going with something else like 1DUMB R3DN3CK.

My next thought was, "Oh my....shouldn't that plate be on a '89 Monte Carlo SS?" The growing population of hardcore NASCAR fans is really a bit alarming. It's not just your normal overall wearin', Budweiser swillin' crew. There is a newer, more refined fan. And that scares the hell out of me.

Case in point, the Jetta was driven by a well dressed late-20 something female, probably on her way to work at a bank. I am afraid.....very afraid. They could be right next to me and I won't even know it.

More Proof of the White-Trash Gene

It's only a matter of time until scientists isolate the gene that compels people to live in double-wides, put their muscle cars on blocks for years at a time, and perform seemingly senseless acts of bad parenting.

Just another example. Apparently their trunk was full of Old Milwaukee empties or they could have brought the kids along. Jerry must be so proud.

"I didn't think I'd be gone that long...", hey you dumb skank those are your children.

Must run for office. Must get mandatory sterilization bill passed. Must control Fist of Death.