What were those meetings like?

Picture this. G.W Bush and Henry Paulson go into a meeting. Can anyone else fit in the room with Frik, Frak and their enormous egos? This is EXACTLY the bait and switch I expected from the man who's got the balls to make this statement:

“I determined that the most timely, effective step to improve credit market conditions was to strengthen bank balance sheets quickly through direct purchases of equity in banks.”

Notice the pronoun use. Notice the complete disregard for the letter of the legislation. Where the F is the sumpreme court? Paralyzed by fear like 299 million americans. We are so screwed.

27% of Americans Don't Have The Credit to Buy a Clue

People are so stupid, uneducation, and uninformed. Here is a quote from a Glenn Beck interview of a pollster.

"RASMUSSEN: You know, we just did a poll and we found out that about 38% blame the Bush administration for our problems with the economy right now, 27% blame congress, 11% blame the Clinton administration, you know."

Yes, only 27% of this country blames congress. Holy crap. This is what we have to fix. We have to education, inform, and roshambo these doltsuntil they understand who is to blame.

Here's Uncle Jimbo's percentages:
70% Congress
20% Fed
10% President (Bush, Clinton, FDR, Nixon, etc.)

Now, you could consider the Fed number in with the president, but I prefer to call them out seperately because stupid is as stupid does.

Lady Liberty Sodomized by Congress

If you're a regular reader you know that one of my biggest issues with the filthy, unwashed masses in America is their desire to point the finger at an individual when bad things happen. This desire, which is only human nature, leads to an inordinate amount of blame being put on the President for all the ills of our country.

This has been an issue dating back to long before I was born. In some cases, such as Reagan, it even worked the other way. But with Bush, the problem has been magnified because of how incredibly inept he and his administration has been in all areas. But the point still stands that core legislative action is managed by Congress. As I've said before, Congress is singularly to blame for all that ails us, and we carry the burden of knowing that we had/have the power to change it, and have done nothing.

I have been doing a lot of research on the current financial crisis. Below is my summary of events that I believe are the major contributors to what has become a ridiculous situation. Unfortunately I can't really laugh at it, because I'm at a solid level 4 when it comes to our current political state. Please note, for brevity, I am going to gloss over a lot of the detail of the financial events of the last 100 years. My goal however is to demonstrate how the dominoes were lined up by Congress. Also, many of my links take you to Wikipedia, which can sometimes be a suspect source of information. I've tried to avoid referring to information without a credible citation. Please take everything you read on the Internet (except this blog) with a large grain of salt. If you find anything inaccurate in my information, please let me know.

I'm sure I'm not doing the topic justice and that there are probably volumes of books covering it, but this is cathartic for me. The light bulb went on for me last night, and I hope it does for you as well.

1913 - The Federal Reserve Act is passed (by Congress), thereby creating the Federal Reserve Bank. A public/private organization tasked with stabilizing the monetary system in the US. Among many other things, this created a federally-back currency supported by a central reserve of assets (e.g. gold).

1929 - The stock market crashes. I'm not going to get into the reasons behind the crash as they are well documented and/or up for debate. One of them, the pending signing of the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act by Hoover was implicated as a main reason for Black Tuesday. The good news, Congress was not stepping outside it's authority with Smoot-Hawley as the Constitution clearly states one of the powers of Congress being, "To regulate Commerce with foreign Nations, and among the several States, and with the Indian Tribes." An interesting note that even though the government was within their constitutional bounds, this act had profound ramifications in the private sector. The two will be forever intertwined.

1933 - The Glass-Steagall Act is passed (by Congress), creating a series of regulations over the financial institutions. These regulations were in direct response to the problems during and after the crash of 1929. Two key components of this act were the required separation of savings and loans, investment banks, and insurance companies. The goal of this separation, based on post-crash investigations, was to ensure that deposit money in banks was not used as part of risky investments. This was good regulation, because it was relatively easy to provide oversight. Combined with the creation of the Federal Deposit Insurance Company (FDIC), Congress felt it had erected solid barriers to prevent another crash like 1929. This was just one component of FDR's New Deal, which of course, was only possible because Congress supported it.

1938 - Fannie Mae was created as part of FDR's Second New Deal. It was designed to purchase and secure secondary loans as part of the US mortgage market.

1944 - The Bretton Woods Agreements are signed by most of the 44 Allied nations of World War II. This agreement established the International Monetary Fund, part of the World Bank, and a global currency standard based on the US dollar. As part of the agreement the US agreed to fix the price of gold at $35/ounce (re-standardizing some countries on gold via the dollar). This allowed the Allied economies to grow despite the shortage of post-war gold. The US dollar had become the reserve currency for much of the world.

1968 - Fannie Mae is privatized as a Government Sponsored Enterprise (GSE).

1971 - Due to shrinking gold supplies caused by the cost of the Vietnam war, and a growing trade deficit, Nixon broke the Bretton Woods Agreement and stopped exchanging US dollars for gold. As most countries were using dollars as their reserve currency (based on an understanding that it was as good as gold) international currencies were left to float in the ebbs and tides of the sea called the United States Federal Reserve. As the US economy goes, so goes the world. While I don't agree with all of it, here is an interesting paper on the pros of not being on the gold standard.

Do you all see where this is going? Keep reading, because this is where it really gets interesting.

1995 - Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac began receiving affordable housing credit for buying sub-prime securities.

1999 - The beginning of the end. The Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act was passed (by Congress), eliminating most of the final vestiges of the Glass-Steagall Act of 1933. This Act removed the barriers between savings and loan banks, investment banks, and insurance companies.....humm. This now allowed savings and loans banks, you know those ones that give out mortgages, to provide investment services. So things like selling their mortgages as mortgage securities and potentially risking federally insured deposit money in whatever investments they desired were now possible. Here is where it gets really interesting. This bill initially passed 54-44 in the Senate. After going to committee, and in a "bi-partisan" showing, the amended bill passed 90-8 in the Senate and 362-57 in the House. Does this vote flipping sound familiar? So what exactly got the Democrats to so favorably vote for an obvious Republican-led deregulation of the financial system? What else could it be but more entitlements. Apparently, Republicans promised to make revisions to and support the Community Reinvestment Act, which they did. This Act was designed to stop "redlining" and force banks to provide loans to potentially unqualified applicants. And who signed all of these into law? Not Bush...no this was Clinton, although to be fair given the 2/3rds voting in both houses a veto would have just delayed the inevitable.

So in one vast, sweeping show of bi-partisanship Congress doubled up on Lady Liberty like Charlie Sheen and Elliott Spitzer at a Playboy Mansion party. On one side they tore down the barriers preventing savings and loan banks from speculating their assets in investments and on the other they pressured banks to provide loans and mortgages to low income, unqualified borrowers. (Read that last sentence one more time and let it sink in.) That's like telling your teenage son that you've taken the lock off the liquor cabinet because you trust him but then giving him advise that the best way to get laid is to get a girl drunk. Now hindsight is 20-20, but what the hell did they think was going to happen?

While mortgages covered by CRA compliant banks may not have been as risky as the subsequent sum-prime mortgages, it was the beginning of the "everyone has a right to a house" movement. They chummed the water, and the mortgage lending sharks started feeding. More mortgages to more unqualified buyers, and guess who bought most of these...

2000 - Based on HUD research, regulations were created to ensure high-risk loans did not count against Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac's target goals for affordable housing. Good.

2004 - This "ban" on high-risk loans for the GSEs was lifted. This enabled Fanny and Freddie to begin buying all types of mortgages in an effort meet their Congressionally-imposed goals. The Office of Federal Housing Enterprise Oversight (OFHEO) attempted to call attention to the risks at the GSEs and were met with disdain from members of Congress who support the GSE and CRA agenda. Bad.

2007 - Federal Reserve injects $80+ billion in the economy in an attempt to stabilize the system.

2008 - I'm not even going to try to recap all the thing that have happened this year. But here are the highlights:

• Federal Housing Finance Agency puts Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac into conservatorship assuming $5.3 billion dollars in mortgage debt
• Federal Reserve provides a "rescue package" to AIG for $85 billion resulting in the Fed owning 80% of the "bank".
• The Federal Reserve pumps $630 billion dollars into the world economy with no Congressional approval....because they're the Fed and Congress abdicated that power long ago.
• Congress passes the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008, providing the Secretary of the Treasury authority to purchase "up to $700 billion at one time," and $130 billion in classic Congressional pork.

Yes you read that right, "at one time". So the Secretary of the Treasury can continue to buy as much bad debt as they want, as long as we're not carrying more than $700 billion at one time. It's an all-you-can-eat buffet with a weight limit on the table. It'll be well over $2 trillion dollars (where's Dr. Evil when you need him) before it's all done.

I'm not sure exactly where this timeline leads us, but I'm fairly certain it's going to get a lot more ugly. The $700+ billion from the EESA hasn't even hit the system yet. What exactly will happen when $2 trillion new American dollars hit a global economy based on the dollar? Wow, that is one scary question. Grab your ankles and get ready for the ride. This is going to be the biggest E ticket in our history.

Accountability, Responsibility, and Common Sense

I often feel that our representatives have lost touch with American citizens and with reality. We see so many examples of this that it's not worth listing them here. What we rarely see is someone willing to stand up and take accountability, and articulate a clear path to fixing most of what ails this country.

Tom Coburn is a senator for Oklahoma that would get my vote today, for any office, based on this single speech. Now, unlike Coburn, I strongly believe we should have let the banks twist in the wind. The bailout provides no guarantees of righting the ship, but it does guarantee that government gets bigger, our dollar will be devalued, and our Congressional branch has surrender more of it's power to the Executive branch. Of course, there was so much fear-mongering that was no way in hell this thing wouldn't pass.

Average American Lemming: "But Uncle Jimbo, our sixth largest bank [Washington Mutual] just failed."

Uncle Jimbo: "Yes, it did. But you know what? Now we have a new sixth largest bank. Isn't the free market wonderful."

One thing, among many, that has driven me nuts over the last several weeks has been the interchangeable use of the terms [de]regulation and oversight. So let me clarify it for everyone, WE DO NOT NEED MORE REGULATION. We need less. We do, however, need more oversight that's not derailed by a socialist agenda. [Let me take a second to comment on this video. While the editing and comments were obviously done with intent to support an agenda, it is obvious that people knew there was a problem, that the problem jeopordized a social program enabling lower income people to purchase homes, and that Congressional oversight ignored the warnings for fear of their prized program being derailed.]

So, do we need some regulation? Probably. I'm not going to blow the "completely free market" smoke up your ass. But the more regulation you have the more oversight you need to ensure compliance. Operational reality dictates that we can't have an over-regulated system.

AAL: "Uncle Jimbo, I'm still confused. Both Biden and Palin suggested we need more regulation."

UJ: "Of course they did. They are both mouth-pieces for an extreme socialist and a maverick socialist. Look it's simple; fewer rules, and more verification of compliance with those rules. If you still don't understand, I can't help you."

Pelosi, the democrats, the media, and a bunch of others have tried to throw all the blame on Bush and his administration. Coburn has it right. Congress is on the hook for all of this. If they didn't legislate the problems specifically they abdicated their power to the executive branch which makes them just as culpable. Bush is an asshat for sure, but Congress hung us out to dry. Make sure you understand the races for your congressional representatives this November. I for one am voting out every incumbent until we get some that think like Coburn.

Until we as citizens show common sense, accountability, and responsibility in our daily lives how can we possibly hold our representatives to a higher standard.

Uncle Jimbo's Top Ten Ways to Be More Accountable, Responsible and filled with Common Sense

10. Even though you really love the way the place looks, avoid signing a mortgage for your 5000 sq ft. estate until you've secured your first golden parachute.

9. Put down the People magazine. What Katie wears or what visions Mapother is having are not important.

8. Read more. Start with the Constitution. Then work up. I'll let you figure out for yourselves what's above the Constitution.

7. If you still drive a vehicle that gets less than 20 MPG, shoot yourself in the head. Thank you in advance.

6. The American Dream has always been to own a home with a white picket fence. Make sure, before you try to buy that home that you are actually, legally, an American.

5. Go see American Carol.

4. Put the fork down. Walk away from the cake.

3. Stop caring about reality TV, start caring about reality.

2. If you can't adhere to 3-10, please have yourself sterilized. Voluntary sterilization is much better than the alternative, Uncle Jimbo's Sterilization Stand and Juice Bar.

1. Stop being a lemming. Stop burying your head in the sand, understand the issues, and make informed decisions.

Guilty as Charged

I'd like to think that this was all a bit of creative editing on the part of British TV. But it's not.

We need to start a movement to criminalize stupidity. I can only hang my head in disgust.

Even the Best Underestimate the Power of Stupid

In reading some of the federalist papers, I came across this gem. Madison argues against the idea that a federal government will usurp additional powers based on the Constitution clause, "to lay and collect taxes, duties, imposts, and excises, to pay the debts, and provide for the common defense and general welfare of the United States." There is no doubt in my mind that Madison over estimated men's morals and under estimated their stupidity.

Here is the excerpt from Federalist #41 that I find so interesting. Who were the people that opposed this language in the Constitution? I need to do some more research.

'Some, who have not denied the necessity of the power of taxation, have grounded a very fierce attack against the Constitution, on the language in which it is defined. It has been urged and echoed, that the power "to lay and collect taxes, duties, imposts, and excises, to pay the debts, and provide for the common defense and general welfare of the United States," amounts to an unlimited commission to exercise every power which may be alleged to be necessary for the common defense or general welfare. No stronger proof could be given of the distress under which these writers labor for objections, than their stooping to such a misconstruction.
Had no other enumeration or definition of the powers of the Congress been found in the Constitution, than the general expressions just cited, the authors of the objection might have had some color for it; though it would have been difficult to find a reason for so awkward a form of describing an authority to legislate in all possible cases. A power to destroy the freedom of the press, the trial by jury, or even to regulate the course of descents, or the forms of conveyances, must be very singularly expressed by the terms "to raise money for the general welfare.
"But what color can the objection have, when a specification of the objects alluded to by these general terms immediately follows, and is not even separated by a longer pause than a semicolon? If the different parts of the same instrument ought to be so expounded, as to give meaning to every part which will bear it, shall one part of the same sentence be excluded altogether from a share in the meaning; and shall the more doubtful and indefinite terms be retained in their full extent, and the clear and precise expressions be denied any signification whatsoever? For what purpose could the enumeration of particular powers be inserted, if these and all others were meant to be included in the preceding general power? Nothing is more natural nor common than first to use a general phrase, and then to explain and qualify it by a recital of particulars. But the idea of an enumeration of particulars which neither explain nor qualify the general meaning, and can have no other effect than to confound and mislead, is an absurdity, which, as we are reduced to the dilemma of charging either on the authors of the objection or on the authors of the Constitution, we must take the liberty of supposing, had not its origin with the latter.
The objection here is the more extraordinary, as it appears that the language used by the convention is a copy from the articles of Confederation. The objects of the Union among the States, as described in article third, are "their common defense, security of their liberties, and mutual and general welfare. " The terms of article eighth are still more identical: "All charges of war and all other expenses that shall be incurred for the common defense or general welfare, and allowed by the United States in Congress, shall be defrayed out of a common treasury," etc. A similar language again occurs in article ninth. Construe either of these articles by the rules which would justify the construction put on the new Constitution, and they vest in the existing Congress a power to legislate in all cases whatsoever. But what would have been thought of that assembly, if, attaching themselves to these general expressions, and disregarding the specifications which ascertain and limit their import, they had exercised an unlimited power of providing for the common defense and general welfare? I appeal to the objectors themselves, whether they would in that case have employed the same reasoning in justification of Congress as they now make use of against the convention. How difficult it is for error to escape its own condemnation!'

Joe Biden. Patriot Creator.

Now that they have completely subjugated the lower class, the Democratic party is trying to turn the middle class into entitlement whores. Let me get this straight Barrack Hood and Fryer Biden, you want to steal from the rich and give to the poor and middle class. Not because we've earned it, but because we're, apparently, entitled to it. And in doing so the rich are transformed into the greatest of all patriots (outside of Tom Brady and Thomas Jefferson).

Wow, what a wonderful story. But you fail to mention the second part of your "altruistic" plan. Because, you know and I know that in a couple of years, you're just going to raises the taxes on everyone to pay for your new social programs, or worse yet just cook the books and ignore your tax and spend and spend and spend philosophy.

Quite blowing smoke you giant gas bag. Until you financially-challenged ass goblins get your spending under control the tax situation will never be satisfactory to any class. Stop trying to redistribute wealth. Oh and one more thing.....THE GOVERNMENT DOESN'T KNOW HOW BEST TO USE OUR MONEY, WE DO!

Uncle Jimbo goes offsite

There's an interesting discussion in the comments of this blog post. Uncle Jimbo jumps in with both feet.

The Death Spiral Continues....

I was only able to get through about 2/3 of this before I threw up a little in my mouth. Let me get this straight. You're doing this to protect taxpayers? Hello, again can you please call us citizens? Or are you only protecting those that pay taxes? Also, tell me again how spending my [future] tax money to bail out GSE's with a "flawed business model" to save asshats that bought a house with no money down and no real ability to pay the mortgage is going to protect ME? Really, seriously, could you answer that one for me, please?

So now we haven't just dipped out toes in the mortgage business, now the United States of America is hip-deep in the mortgage business. And, as they say, so are the taxpayers. And where is this money coming from? Well the printing press of course. As Gazaker reminded me, we print a lot of money because we spend a lot of money.

At least Lockhart seems to have a clue, "There is a consensus today that these enterprises pose a systemic risk and they cannot continue in their current form. Government support needs to be either explicit or non-existent, and structured to resolve the conflict between public and private purposes." Well, we all know which way Congress will swing on that vote, the dumb monkey spankers.

God save the Constitution.

Finally, A Non-Fiction Documentary

If Uncle Jimbo was going to make a movie about the most vile citizen in the history of the United States. This would be it.

Call Me Crazy....

but the more I read from this guy, the more sense he makes. Another interesting perspective I heard on the radio today is that our tax and spend government is creating a new class of slaves. Yes. S L A V E S. Let that sink in for a minute. Let's call them Entitlement Slaves. And it's not limited to those on welfare. Have you participated in any government programs lately? Say, government subsidized mortgages or student loans? Government grants for small businesses?

All of these things produce some level of government dependency. What do they get in turn? Our taxes for one. Our souls for another. They feed the ugliest of basic human instincts. Get as much as you can for as little work as possible. Keep up with the Jones'. "Well if I don't use it, it'll either go to waste or someone else will get it."

We are becoming a nation of cash whores. Pockets turned inside out, hands out, mouths open. Take that image in. The outcome of this political experiment doesn't look to end well. Not at all.

Nancy, You Ignorant Slut!

There's more material in this interview than a pair of Michael Moore boxer shorts. Nancy Pelosi is a disgrace to this country and somehow, makes the average politician look like Stephen Hawking.

Check out these gems:

"I believe in natural gas as a clean, cheap alternative to fossil fuels."
Funny last time I checked, natural gas was a fossil fuel. Even Wikipedia can't F that up. Do you even understand the things you are voting on and presiding over? Hum...I think not, you dumb bitch.

"That's that poll, and--but the fact is, is that the, the, the oil companies, the, the administration, they all ranked higher than Congress in most of those polls." Tha...Tha...That's All Folks!!! So you're best defense for why American citizens like Congress is screwing the pooch on the energy crisis is that you scored better than everyone else. Well I'm sorry to break it you, but this isn't some Trinity College liberal arts elective graded on a curve. This is the fraking UNITED STATES FEDERAL GOVERNMENT. You are an elected official with responsibility for our country, our tax money, and the protection of our liberties. Fraking stand up and hold yourself and the rest of the congressional tools accountable.

"One in particular that has brought down the price per barrel, and that is to insist that the president not fill the strategic petroleum reserve." Boy they sure like to screw future generations don't they. As with all other nanny-state, social programs the solution isn't fixing the problem. It's to spend more money, in this case we're spending more of our children's security. Let's not save for a very rainy day, let's make sure that every asshat that that's still driving a sub 20MPG vehicle can still afford his $6 Starbuck's Crapachinolattefucknutsurprise. Holy crap. The only way this energy crisis gets fixed is to fundamentally change our behavior, our infrastructure, and our attitudes. Not putting oil in the SPR is as stupid an idea as giving Rosie O'Donnell another show.

"I would say that as an ardent, practicing Catholic, this is an issue that I have studied for a long time. And what I know is, over the centuries, the doctors of the church have not been able to make that definition. And Senator--St. Augustine said at three months. We don't know. The point is, is that it shouldn't have an impact on the woman's right to choose. Roe v. Wade talks about very clear definitions of when the child--first trimester, certain considerations; second trimester; not so third trimester. There's very clear distinctions. This isn't about abortion on demand, it's about a careful, careful consideration of all factors and--to--that a woman has to make with her doctor and her god. And so I don't think anybody can tell you when life begins, human life begins. As I say, the Catholic Church for centuries has been discussing this, and there are those who've decided..."
Wow, she's got to be saddle sore after riding that fence like an Emperor's Club man whore.

Nancy Pelosi, I hope you soon find yourself riding in a car with Ted Kennedy near Marta's Vineyard. Oh...we'll make it a national holiday. I promise.

And one last thing, stop calling us taxpayers....we're American CITIZENS. You work for us you dumb twat!

Round 385,237,456: Us vs. Them

Here is yet another example of how the simple regulation of hiding boxer briefs and ass cracks turns into a squabble over race. If love this statement in the article:

Other groups such as the Advancement Project, a Washington social advocacy organization, say the proposal is directed primarily at black males and could lead to arrests.

No, it's not directed at black males. It's direct at losers who wears pants they can't fill. Buy smaller pants, get a belt, or put on a few pounds. I don't want to see that crap and apparently neither do the people of Florida. At least the AP writer has the intestinal fortitude to use the term "black" and not the vastly more politically correct but potentially inaccurate "African-American".

As a side note, while I don't want to see people wearing pants like that, I've got to believe we're better letting them wear them that way. They'll be easier to catch after the robbery.

[Ed. Note: So there is no confusion. The Us vs. Them in the title is not a reference to fitted pants wearers versus baggy panted losers, or white versus black. It's simply the gifted versus the tards.]

Elliott Spitzer: Tax Reform Expert

Apparently, Spitzer has some additional explaining to do. This new IT-201 New York State Tax (long) form is new for 2007 tax returns. Oh come on Elliott.

I bet your wife really regrets the day, back when you were the attorney general, when she said, "Elliott, don't you think you're coming down a little hard on the prostitutes?"

ba dum bah!

Classic Socialist Dilemma

Please let me make the introductions. Complete Lack of Accountability meet Free-loading Entitlement Whore.

And then there was California. WTF. Are you kidding me.

"Parents do not have a constitutional right to home school their children," Justice H. Walter Croskey wrote in a Feb. 28 opinion for the 2nd District Court of Appeal.

Interesting how the government has dulled the blade of this two-edged sword.

Animals Are Cool....

unless you pay thousands of dollars for health care over their short life span or end up in jail for "accidentally" killing one. I am at a loss to understand the prominence we have bestowed upon animals in this country and the amount of money wasted on keeping them alive. All you animal people are freaks. Period.

Someone I know spent almost $2000 for surgery to remove a hand towel from her dog's stomach. Yes, a hand towel. The dog ate a HAND TOWEL. Shockingly, the dog couldn't pass the towel. Tell me, why are you spending money on an animal so dumb, that it eats a tasteless towel so large it couldn't get the whole thing in it's mouth. My recommendation. Let the dog figure out what it's going to do. Believe it or not, we're now interfering in the evolution (i.e. survival of the fittest) of our pets. That dog should be pushing daisies in the back yard next to the swing set. Not sniffing out it's next meal in the home department at Macy's.

Then there's the other person who spent $6000 dollars on neck surgery for her dog. Um...can it walk? Can it lick itself? Yes? No surgery needed. NEXT! People are so strange.

My personal pet salary cap? $200. If an animal costs more than $200 over it's lifetime (excluding food), it's too much. Call me heartless if you want. We spend all this time breeding animals we know are going to have bad hips, diabetes, and other disorders. But we do it anyway. Because everyone wants the pure breed. People are sick.

Note to animal lover, $15 will get you Mr. Sleepy Shot and all your other costs go away. Think about that next time your animal eats something it can't possibly discharge. Oh, and don't even get me started on dog shows....or cats.

As for the guy that got 4 months in jail for killing his girlfriends cat. I have only one question. How did you not get the job done on the other one?

Head Scratcher

Giant pythons set to invade San Fransico, local 71 of the Gay Porn Union demands immediate action to avoid the influx of new talent.

This article is full of very odd editorial comments. I still don't quite know what to make of it.

"The snakes also like to eat rodents, deer and other mammals. Small Florida deer have been turning up inside the digestive tracts of Everglades pythons, which has alarmed deer lovers and also the deer."

Was the polling of deer regarding the python threat statistically accurate?

"The natural enemies of the python are lions, tigers and other large cats. There are few free-roaming African lions and tigers between Florida and San Francisco, the geological survey said."

"few" is not none. Hum....

"As for other potential prey, human beings - like rodents, beavers and deer - are mammals, government scientists confirmed."

Ah, government scientists hard at work. Here's to you Dr. Obvious.


The more I read it, the more I think it's a reprinted Onion article.

I Knew It! Jeff Cook Does Love the Purple Penetrator

A 13-year-old student in Ohio was suspending for doing what 43% of all 13 year olds do: pull pranks, make sex jokes, and disrespect authority figures. So how exactly can the school justify expelling the kid? And how close to the truth must M.O. have gotten for Principle Jeff Cook to get so bent? These are the questions that apparently only our legal system can answer.

Seriously Jeff. One of two things has happened:

A. You had no idea when you got into education that kids think all teachers and principals are dicks or bitches. Now your entire view of the public education system, society, and our children is forever tainted.

or

B. You understand kid's views on teachers and principles and you're just too much of a hard ass to handle this in the proper way (sans the Purple Penetrator). A good principle, like Ed Rooney, would let this one go. Then, with hope-filled anticipation, you'd wait for the future felon to make a mistake on school grounds.

Alas, there are not enough Ed Rooney's in the world. Welcome to the 21st century Mr. Cook, you ass-grabbing, dildo-loving pedophile. You should have left this disciplinary matter to the parents. Who in turn should have put down their Old Milwaukees, turned off the TV, and explained to little M.O. exactly why what he did was disrespectful, inappropriate, and just plain wrong. How this type of thing gets into our court systems is beyond me.

What we have here are multiple nominations for asshat of the week.

When Will It End? How's Never, is Never Good For You?

It's pretty rare that I feel sorry for a politician, but this guy can't buy a break. Maybe he's a racist, but my guess is he doesn't hate black people. My guess he's just stupid.

What the NAACP and all politically correct asshats fail to understand is that people have the right (thank you First Amendment) to say whatever they want (with a few specific excepts). What many people are failing to come to grips with is that language is fluid and people's speech, thanks to an ever falling level of proper use, varies widely. Words mean different things to different people. Any attempt to hold people to a common standard of good taste, morality, articulation, and intelligence is a futile effort.

At the center of this issue is the use of linguistic style and "short-cuts". Analogies, metaphors, colloquialisms, and even sarcasm, contribute to a variety of communication styles that require everyone understand the context of the language. In this world of sound bites and knee jerk reactions, context always seems to take a back seat to social agendas. Reading/hearing the words without understanding the underlying intent makes you as ignorant as those who's words you are attacking.

Let's take the lynching comment. I'm sure the term "lynch mob" generates very different imagery in Utah than it does in Mississippi. He used the term to get a point across in a very concise way. I understand what he was trying to say. We get this reaction from Mr. Lewis:

"The man knows nothing about what a lynch mob is...It's an insult for the man to say he's being lynched when we know what real lynchings are."

Really Mr. Lewis, when is the last time you witnessed a lynching? Really, you think Buttars actually thought he had a group of hate-filled people running around suburban Salt Lake with some rope? Really!

Well you know what Mr. Lewis, you're a shithead. And so there is no confusion, I do not believe you actually have feces in or on your head. Uncle Jimbo doesn't live in an African-American and white world. He lives in a world filled with levels gray (and Asians). Buttars should know this too. He should have been smart enough, given the current hot water he was in, to choose his words more carefully and avoid terms like "lynch mob". That just makes him stupid, along with Mr. Lewis and the rest of the NAACP.

My final thought. If we spent more time teaching our kids real world linguistic skills including both proper and common usage along with a little bit of tolerance we'd all be better off. Unfortunately my complete lack of faith in humanity leads me to believe that this slippery slope of chocolate-colored political correctness will NEVER end.

Gimp Saved from the Steely Toothed Maw of Darwin

I'd say, "Only in New York City", but this is probably happening in Hoboken too. Hangy Spanky. Great article title. I'll tell you this, if his foot slipping out of his shoe means that his feet are no longer touching the floor, then his feet weren't touching the floor in the first place. Hopefully New York's finest can figure that one out without me or David Caruso (sic! As if he would help).

You can picture it now..."Go get the gimp, oh crap he's blue!" What a bunch of fruit cakes. I can only hope that "Roger" wasn't our very own Col. Dutch Mustard. I know things have been a bit dry for him lately but I hope he hasn't fallen back into this life style. Dutch, where were you this weekend? Should I send a card and new leather chaps?

Uncle Jimbo's Vault of Wisdom

Check out the new categorized list of posts. Relive the past. Read about my thoughts on social improvement and, of course, all my posts on the founder of doublefootlongswithchili.org.

And the PC Beat Goes On

Just when you thought the only retarded thing to come out of Virginia was...um...everyone. It turns out that's true. The politically correct state senate found it necessary to ban the term "retarded".

What the article failed to mention is that the majority of the senator's stationary, name tags, and security badges will also have to be updated.

FACT: Mental retardation affects all levels of government. Changing the name won't change the fact.

Mathematical Proof for the Ages

If Scientology = Religion then Training ≠ Education

At least according to this story. Two of the organizations I despise most make a pact, monies are exchanges, and they'd like everyone to just forget about it.

'Ms. Yingling said the training Scientologists can deduct is not the same as religious education. "The use of the word 'training' in Scientology is not analogous to education," she said. "It's just another way of advancing spiritually in Scientology."'

Ah, it's perfectly clear. So:

If Tom Mapother = Michael Jackson and IRS = Ass-covering Douche Bags and Scientology ≠ Shit Crazy Cult then Training = Spiritual Advancement and Average American Tax Payer = Prison Bitch Q.E.D.

So given that proof, my suggestion to all those Oval-worshipping NASCAR fans is to start deducting you 30 packs of Keystone Light because I know they are an integral component of your spiritual advancement.

What on earth are we doing in this country when some asshat can have his thetans measured tax-free, but parents can't deduct their children's education. WTF.

Google Problem?

It's pretty rare that Google fails me in my search for truth, justice, and all things not Wikipedia. But then this happens.

All I can say is....I knew it. I knew that bastard loved cheeze whiz.

The Patriots Got Beat

Surprisingly I've taken the lose in the Superbowl better than I expected. I could spend my time discussing the game, the way the Pats got out coached and out played. Oh, and they still only lost on a late touchdown. But I won't. I do however have two things I need to comment on regarding the Superbowl.

1. The officials didn't get in the way. Seriously, the NFL should find a way to clone Mike Carey. He's the best referee they have, and he manages his squad of official like Michael Moore managing a Big Boy Super Stack (I'm not even sure if Big Boy has something called a Super Stack on their menu, but I guarantee that one exists at the Big Boy frequented by Best Grip Mike.) The NFL already has an anti-trust exemption from the government, maybe they could swing a human cloning exemption as well. Nice job Mr. Carey. Thanks for not ruining the Superbowl.

2. To every fan, broadcaster, and blogger in the known universe that uses the phrase "New York Football Giants", shut the fuck up. They are the New York Giants. The adjective "Football" hasn't been needed since 1957. That's 50 freakin' years. If you say New York Giants, no one is going to think about baseball. Period. Do you also say the "St. Louis Baseball Cardinals"? No. I rest my case. So from now on, to avoid confusion, I'm going to call them the New Jersey Giants.

Congrats to the New Jersey Giants for a great post season run. Good game. (Even if Eli is a putz.)

PS. Greg Easterbrook, you are an egotistical hack, how ESPN publishes your dribble is beyond me. You're as coherent as Tommy Mapother on a six pack of Red Bull ("drugs are immoral....but that Red Bull tastes GREAT!"). What I can't figure out, is that you have such distain for the Patriots, yet you keep giving individual Patriot's players recognition. You're one wierd bird. In the end, I hope you run into Stephen Gostkowski on the street where he gives you a 50 yard kick to the junk.

Ah...the Pearly Whites

Like many of the comedy-horror films that came before it, including Bowling for Columbine, An Inconvenient Truth, and Pearl Harbor, Teeth appears to leave viewers with that fresh minty feeling of not getting their money's worthy.

The review speaks for itself, but I will say this: Show me a male dentist who'd deny service and I'll show you a liar.

Politically Correct Asshat of the Month

Let me set the stage for this one. I loves video games. My dorkishness in this area is so complete that I still get paper magazines with video game news. I am currently playing Rock Band, an excellent game allowing players to be a rock band guitarist, drummer, or vocalist. It's fun and is a great party game. Stage set.

This is a letter to the editor found in the February 2008 issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly (or EGM for us gamer dorks):

"I don't agree with the target audience of Rock Band. African-Americans, Hispanic-Americans, and any other people who don't like heavy metal and rock are purposely overlooked. Gamers come in all races and colors, and Rock Band's songs should reflect that. They left out many of the greatest artists of all time. Disco, jazz, R&B, hip-hop, Latin, rap, and pop--where are they? My daughter asked me if the makers of the game were racist. Maybe you can answer her? -- Jon Harris"

Go ahead, reread that one. Let it sink in. Ok, so here is the wonderfully articulate, concise, and brilliant response from the editor:

"You're right--it must be a racist conspiracy. How else to explain the fact that a game called Rock Band is full of rock songs?"

Has the liberal political correctness gone so far in this country that people are going out of their way to find racial and culture bias in everthing? Look, if I could get a first person shooter where everybody had their IQs floating above their head which allowed me to quickly find my targets of opportunity I buy it in an instant. But just because game developers don't cater to my iniate desire to kill virtual idiots doesn't get me a bent out of shape. Let's take a look at this letter in detail:

"I don't agree with the target audience of Rock Band. [I'm sure your opinion is going to carry great weight in the next Rock Band product development meeting.] African-Americans, Hispanic-Americans [Aren't you racially profiling blacks and hispanics as not liking rock music. I bet that pisses off Carlos Santana and the guys from Living Color.], and any other people who don't like heavy metal and rock are purposely overlooked [Oh, they're not overlooked, they are ignored completely. BECAUSE THE GAME IS ABOUT ROCK! Did you send this same type of letter to the studio that released the movie School of Rock? Because, and I'm sure you'll agree, that movie would have been way better if Jack Black had taught the kids the virtures of lounge music]. Gamers come in all races and colors [you forgot size and shape. Like yours, "XXXL Pear"], and Rock Band's songs should reflect that [Rock Band's songs should reflect what their marketing department says will sell. Nothing more, nothing less]. They left out many of the greatest artists of all time. [This is the only statement I agree with, where are the Beatles, Zepplin, Genesis (Gabriel era), and Fleetwood Mac?] Disco, jazz [Tell me, how many gamers would know the lyrics to more than a couple jazz songs? Great, but unmarketable, music], R&B, hip-hop [sic!], Latin, rap [Yes, yes. This would be sweet, then you could have little after concert mini-games where you shoot up, bang some ho's, and pop a cap in some left coast gangsta'], and pop--where are they? [In the trash with all the other shitty ideas] My daughter asked me if the makers of the game were racist. [Let me guess, either A) you are too liberally biased to care about teaching her the fundamental principles of capitalistic economics, or B) you are just too damn stupid to provide her the answer]. Maybe you can answer her? [John you fucking wanker. As if the rest of your letter wasn't a dead give away, here you step right up and declare "I'm a liberal asshat looking for anyone other than me to raise my daughter." And who do you turn to? The media. Wow, the socialist circle of life is complete. Maybe you should have given your daughter a project to write a letter to the publisher of Rock Band where she could explain her feelings and ask for the reasoning behind the selection of music for the game. No, that wouldn't serve your agenda (I'm probably giving you way too much credit here, assuming that you're not just a lemming). You are the bane of my existence Jon Harris, you represent a group-think that is destroying the very fabric of my country. If you want a Rap Band game then GO FUCKING MAKE ONE!] -- Jon Harris"

P.S. You'll soon be the proud father of an 18 year-old, welfare-addicted mother of two+ with no future. Does it really matter if she knows how to play John Lee Hooker's Huckle Up Baby on a plastic guitar?

Tom Mapother on Tom Mapother: Nut Job

Just when you think it can't get any more strange. This video gets released.

Uncle Jimbo's Random Thoughts on the video:
Tom, you are indeed one of the most mentally unstable people I have ever seen. How do I know? You're laugh. There are three categories of laughs:

1. Infectious - You can't help but laugh with them
2. Silly - You can't help but laugh at them
3. Mapother - You can't help but get creeped out

You, you crazy wanker, have you're own special category. Tell me how much money has it cost you to "earn" the right to call yourself a scientologist? "Create new and better realities" and "effectively change peoples live". Wow, that's inspiring. But I can think of only one way YOU could do that. STOP MAKING MOVIES!!!!

Best line: "I won't hesitate to put ethics in on someone else." [Note: No editorial comment needed]

"You're either on board, or your not on board." Yep, you nailed it, just two types of people. I'm just glad I don't even have a ticket to Kooksville, let along being on the departing train.

You mention a lot of stuff you scientologists can solve. But can you prevent freezer burn? Can you really cure Restless Leg Syndrome without the use of Mirapex? No? I didn't think so.

Watching the toothless gears of your brain turn makes you look like an uneducated dolt from Syracuse, New York.

Here's to hoping you someday meet a real live SP, and he/she does "it" (whatever "it" is) to you, to your face, to your spleen, and to your unborn children.

Best Christmas Present of 2007

I'm sure many of you lay awake at night wondering what Uncle Jimbo got for Christmas. Well let me tell you. My wonderful wife got me a super sweet present this year. A book that touched me deeply, reaffirmed my faith in [some of] humanity, and generally didn't make me want to burn it. And, unlike most of the crap that comes from the skull [Note: the term brain specifically left out of this discussion] of one Michael Moore, this book was non-fiction.

For those of you take my recommendations seriously, well as seriously as you can take recommendations from a guy like me, with a name like Uncle Jimbo, get a copy of this book. Read it, and then give it to someone else to read. Pay it forward, so to speak.

The masses: "So what's the book already?"

Ok, ok, settle down people. The book, referred to here after as "The Second Most Important Book in the World," is Michael Moore is a Big Fat Stupid White Man. Get it, read it, pass it on. That cow Oprah will never have this as her book of the month, but she and Moore graze at the same buffet, if you know what I mean.

Warning: This contents of book will bring to light things that will shock, annoying and down right piss you off.

My closing thought. I can think of no better present to give to a college student to protect them against the crockumentaries and other liberal trash they are bombarded with on a daily basis. Michael Moore, you have been exposed. The Truth is out there, and it makes you look like a narcissistic asshat.

Priceless Pep Talk for Peyton Manning

So I hear you got bounced out of the playoffs. That's too bad. So tell me what sucks more, that your little brother made it further than you did, or that you're going to have to watch Brady hoist another Lombardi trophy.

Brady taking that TD record away probably doesn't help either, does it? Still sort of interesting though that Brady was able to win three Superbowls with some fairly average talent at RB and WR. I mean, they won one with Antowain Smith and Troy Brown as their two big "weapons" (don't get me wrong Troy Brown has had a good career, but he's no Marvin). Huh, now that I think about it you just lost to SD and they were without their three best offensive players. But fear not, there are a bunch of "one and done" QBs out there. Like Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson. And hey, you can also always look down on Captain Futility, one Jim Kelly.

But shucks, it doesn't matter does it. You have all sorts of time to do the things you enjoy. Like practice your new pre-snap hand gestures or work on Madden 08. Hey, does Brady kick your ass in that too? Oh, probably not. When he's not playing football (for the 6 weeks between the Superbowl and mini-camps) he's out scoring with hot chicks, not dorking around with video games. Sorry, just a random thought. You've also got that ad career going to don't you. Like that one where you're the Sony TV pitch man.

You know the one, where you come into someone's house uninvited, say "hey, that's a Sony TV", and plant your ass on the couch while pulling the "make room for me because I'm the King of So Close". If you pulled that in my house I'd slider over, hand you a beer, and then punch you in the junk as hard as I could. Beer spillage or not. Oh, and let's not forget the Pep Talk commercial where you suggest those of us with mini-vans should put flame decals or a number 18 on it so it's not quite so lame. The only 18 I'd put on my mini-van is one on the jersey you're wearing as you hang from my grill.

So here's to you Mr. Pouty Face. Here's to you Mr. Head Hung Low Looking For the Manhood You Recently Lost. Enjoy your lone Superbowl ring, and keep it in a safe place. It's going to be your only one.

Boy, I guess Uncle Jimbo sort of sucks at pep talks.


*Picture courtesy of NFL.com and the San Diego Chargers

Wrong Number Indeed

How this guy found his way out of the womb is beyond me. The real question is, what was his angle? What did he hope to gain by this charade. Those of us with multiple active brain cells may never know.