Strange Gift

I had someone drop a package off at my desk today. It was a largish triangular tube. It was odd because I wasn't expecting anything. The shipping label said it was from some guy named Chris Harris in Florida. I don't know a Chris Harris.

So I opened the package and in amongst the packing peanuts is an umbrella. A full-sized umbrella. It's blue and white with a logo for Harper , VanScoik and Company LLP. They are CPAs and business advisors operating in Florida. I'm happy for them, they must be making a lot of money if they can randomly send out umbrellas to people they don't know. Having rarely received an unexpected shipment at work, and having never received an umbrella as a gift I have to say I'm a little unnerved.

Not like Halloween unnerved, more like I Know What You Did Last Summer unnerved. Now I get the umbrella metaphor for the CPAs, but why the hell are they sending it to me. It creeps me out. What am I going to get next? A body bag from some unknown car dealer? Wait, I guess that's not really a metaphor, it's more like a warning.

Here's my warning: Beware companies you don't know giving you things you won't use. Ah, the power of poorly planned and improperly executed marketing strategies. Makes me proud to be a capitalist. Anyone need an umbrella?

More Proof of the White-Trash Gene

It's only a matter of time until scientists isolate the gene that compels people to live in double-wides, put their muscle cars on blocks for years at a time, and perform seemingly senseless acts of bad parenting.

Just another example. Apparently their trunk was full of Old Milwaukee empties or they could have brought the kids along. Jerry must be so proud.

"I didn't think I'd be gone that long...", hey you dumb skank those are your children.

Must run for office. Must get mandatory sterilization bill passed. Must control Fist of Death.

Hide Your Sausage Canada!

This fat bastard just doesn't get it does he? Hey Mike, not only does Canada not care about your thoughts on their politics, even the reporter mocks you (note the use of the terms complained, moaned, and rotund liberal media jockey. Read between the lines for the last one.) I contacted the author and got the original copy from him prior to his liberal copy editor getting a hold of it. Here it is in it's entirety.

==========================

Controversial, and largely unmissable, American documentary filmmaker Michael Moore bemoaned an apparent right turn by liberal northern neighbor Canada in its upcoming general election. Realizing that, through no fault of his waistline, he had lost visibility in the US, Moore jumped right into the interesting world of Canadian politics.

"Oh, Canada -- you're not really going to elect a Conservative majority on Monday, are you? That's a joke, right? I know you have a great sense of humor, ... but this is no longer funny," Moore complained in a commentary on his website. Interestingly, this last part was the general sense people had exiting his latest "documentary."

"First, you have the courage to stand against the war in Iraq -- and then you elect a prime minister who's for it. You declare gay people have equal rights -- and then you elect a man who says they don't," Moore moaned.

Conservatives led by Stephen Harper were ahead of Prime Minister Paul Martin's Liberals by a comfortable 10 to 12 points, polls showed Saturday, two days before Canadians go to the polls.
In "Bowling for Columbine," his documentary on gun violence in the United States, Moore heads north to Canada to flee the rise of conservatism on US soil. Once there he realized that, despite some socialist tendencies, you still have to pay for food in Canada.

"A man running the nation to the south of you is hoping you can lend him a hand by picking Stephen Harper, because he's a man who shares his world view. Do you want to help George Bush by turning Canada into his latest conquest?" Moore asked.

"Far be it from me, as an American, to suggest what you should do," he added. "I hope you don't feel this appeal of mine is too intrusive, but I just couldn't sit by, as your friend, and say nothing." It is interesting that Mr. Moore refers to Canada as his friend, given that most Hollywood insiders currently believe Moore is sleeping with Greenland, an on-again, off-again love interest of Canada.

When asked about Moore's comments and current companion, Canada simply stated, "That hoser should keep his Molson muscle on his side of the border, Eh? Next thing you know that shit disturber will be drinkin' my forty pounder and puttin' Timmie Ho's out of business. He should just go back to Hollywood and make puppies. As for my Greenie, she's just a dumb puck, I'll find a new one. Go Habs!"*

Hide your sausage Canada, hide it right in Michael Moores ear.

*Canadian translations can be found here

Ah....Government

I'm pretty sure that no one ever gets a warm fuzzy feeling when they hear that word, unless you're a hardcore freak liberal (a.k.a. the anti-Pat Buchanans) or if you just pissed yourself at the sound of the word.

As ass-backwards as corporate America is, they can't hold the federal government's jock, as proven by this beauty.

Top Ten Sports Management Blunders

Well, it was a rough weekend for the NFL. Three of their most compelling (read here marketable) franchises the Patriots, Colts, and Bears all got bounced out of the playoffs. Now the mostly likely Superbowl matchup facing the league is Denver and Seattle. Which, by the way, is the matchup predicted by Uncle Jimbo prior to the playoffs.

I'll be honest, as a Pats fan it was hard to see them lose, but they made a good run with a lot of guys missing time. And they have three rings (I'll go on record here, saying that that's three more than Peyton Manning will ever have). I'm satisfied. My guess is that Colts fan isn't. Boy do they know how to blow the big game or what. Last year it was "We didn't have home field advantage." This year they get to blame it on a kicker. Much like Bills fan who would still beat down Scott Norwood in the Wegmans parking lot, Colts fan will latch onto the 46 yarder that sliced more than a tee-shot from John Daly on a five-day bender. So what's that make Vanderjerk, the "most accurate kicker in NFL history," in pressure kicks? 0 for 1? Let's see, home field, check. 6th seed opponent, check. Playing for coach who lost his son, check. Best (sic) QB in the league, check. Ass-kicked like the bunch of marginally talented players they are, CHECK. Boy, didn't see that one coming.

But that's not why they lost that game. They weren't even in the game. Manning was doing his best impression of Tony Eason collapsing under the pressure, in fact I think he even got a date out of one of those sacks. The offensive line was as confused as Michael Moore with an empty plate at Old Country Buffet and the defense was, well, they were the Indy defense.

What? You think they were in the game? You say they tried a field goal at the end to tie the game. Well, "officially" they were in the game. But, and here is where I go on my rant, the officiating in this game as with all the games this weekend was a nothing short of a steaming pile. There were missed called. Bad calls that needed to go to replay. Good calls that were overturned by replay. Crap was called and not called that made me jump up and scream at the TV when I had no vested interest in the actual outcome of the game.

Let's see, there was the phantom pass interference on Asante Samuel when he was the one getting pushed. The overturned interception by Troy Polamalu. The "touchdown" by Thomas Jones who fumbled the ball at about the 3. The five or six deep-ball pass interference plays where it was appears the officials had their hands in their pants. And the list goes on...

Note to the NFL, when you get serious about officiating and stop leaving the outcome of games in a multi-BILLION dollar business to a bunch of part-time hacks I'll anoint you the official sport of the Universe. Until then you have a flawed product. It goes on Uncle Jimbo's list of top Ten Sports Management Blunders.

Top Ten Sports Management Blunders
10. Letting Mike Tyson in a ring with anyone other than O.J.
9. Lifting the George Steinbrenner suspension
8. Paying NBA players more money than they could make selling crack
7. Paying marginal pitchers like Kyle Farnsworth $2 million a year
6. Not taking care of the steroids issue earlier, and leaving Barry "stick me in the ass" Bonds and all his universal soldier buddies in MLB record books
5. NBA allowing the drafting of high school players
4. The BCS
3. The NHL lockout (NHL...yeah, you know National Hockey League....yeah, the one with the puck)
2. Part-time NFL officials
1. Managing baseball player salaries like fortune 500 CEO salaries

What are we talking about?

Practice?

This goes back a ways, but in my mind this still goes down as one of the greatest sports sound bites of all time! What a completely illiterate dumb ass. What are we talking about? We're talking about being overpaid....We're not talking about a real job here...earning a real honest living...we're talking about a primadonna. It's not like he's a doctor or something....we're talking about an NBA player here. An NBA player. I mean I get it, I understand.....I really do....they've got is rough....but we're talking about a whiny little, snot-nosed, bastard baby makin', tattooed freak who gets paid millions. THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

A Special Message

Just a special little message to all you people, in everywalk of life, who don't have a clue and wouldn't know where to buy one if you could.

..!..

Johnny Knoxville Rocks

Well, I haven't seen the Ringer yet, but I'm going to enjoy it. I was talking with some friends over the holiday and told them that the story of cheaters in the special olympics isn't original. That in fact a French basketball team did it a few years ago. Here's the article, only I had a couple of details wrong, it wasn't the Special Olympics, it was the Paralympics and it wasn't the French it was the Spanish. But hey, the French probably thought of it first they just didn't have enough balls to try to pull it off.

The Shame In Spain

Sick or Funny: You Make the Call!

We're going to play a new game I'm calling it Sick or Funny. I'll give you a story or clip, and you let me know if you think it's sick and disturbed or really funny.

Here we go.

Sick or Funny?


My vote: Very Funny.

The Man Purse

Can someone explain these things to me? It doesn't escape me that men have a lot of crap they want to take with them, cell phones, wallets, etc. but there are right ways and wrong ways to handle it. One wrong way is the man purse. Sure it's got lots of room for your "man things", but look at yourself. Seriously, stop and look at yourself in the mirror. I saw this questionably straight guy in the customer service line at Best Buy the other day. He had this sack that wasn't just hanging from his shoulder, but it was slung across his chest, let's call it the French Bandalero look. Now this guy may have liked the fashion statement, and anyone using one as an accessory...you keep right on using it, I'm not talking to you.

My advice to every other guy is this: think about getting one of these, either A) a coat with big pockets, or B) a backpack. In either case your going to get something that can hold all your stuff and you'll look far less like you have gender confusion than if you haul around a purse.

There are limits on being practical, and this is one of them.

The New, Improved Uncle Jimbo

It's rare that I feel compelled to change the way I live my life, especially just because everyone else is making a resolution to improve themselves. But Uncle Jimbo has been doing some soul searching and figured it might be a good idea to try to become a softer, gentler Uncle Jimbo. My son is getting to the age where he absorbs everything I do. During Christmas with my family my neice, who is notorious for using questionable language, dropped a couple of warning shots across my sons bow. That was enough for me to warn her that he listens to everything and copies everything. To which my son started shouting, “copy, copy, copy….” The last thing I need is to have him see the jaded, pessimistic side of his father. So this year I resolved to improve my attitude towards others. People I know and people I don’t.

That lasted all of about 56 hours. My wife and I were grabbing some quick lunch at the grocery store and proceeded to the Express Checkout (7 items or less). The woman in front of us put a couple of things on the belt, so I put our food down, it moved towards the cashier. Then she pulled a couple of more things out of a now visible mini-cart and placed them right next to our food, so grabbed our food and pulled it back towards us. She continued to pull an item at a time out of the cart and put it on the belt so that the belt continually ran and I had to hold our stuff at the end of the belt. Three, four…..five, six…..seven, eight. Yeah great, another knuckle dragger that can’t read a simple sign. Nine, ten…..eleven, twelve….the items kept coming. Thirteen, fourteen….are you kidding me? HELLO, express lane.

It was at that moment I broke my resolution, I turned to my wife and said loud enough for many to hear, “Apparently, someone doesn’t know how to count.” Was it necessary, probably not. But it sure did feel good. I bit my tongue at that point and resisted the urge to continue to express myself. So the cashier finished scanning the 23rd item and declares, “The total is $42.90.”

At which point the woman just stands there, staring. Like Michael Moore at the all-you-can-eat buffet when the hotdog tray is empty. “How would you like to pay for that?” says the cashier. “Cash” is the simple response. Still standing, still staring. “The total is $42.90.” At which point the woman reaches into her wallet and extracts 3 one dollar bills. “$42.90,” the cashier clarifies. The woman reaches into an envelope and pulls out two twenties. She finally moves on. Later we watch her completely rearrange what bags each of the items were in.

But here is my dilemma, should I be more pissed at the dumb-ass old woman who doesn’t understand the basic principles of the Express Lane, or the cashier who, seeing this woman and her cart loaded down with 23 items coming into her lane, failed to wave the woman off and explain to her in kind and very small words that she needs to find a non-Express Lane for checkout. Or should I just blame myself for somehow always finding the slowest of all Express Lanes. It must be karma.

It was then that I realized why most people can’t keep their resolutions. They set the bar too high. I was trying to be nicer to everyone. So I modified my resolution so that only a single person will be the benefactor of my improved attitude. If it works out, I’ll try adding another person next year. But I don’t want to get ahead of myself. That’s what got me into trouble the first time around.