Head Scratcher

Giant pythons set to invade San Fransico, local 71 of the Gay Porn Union demands immediate action to avoid the influx of new talent.

This article is full of very odd editorial comments. I still don't quite know what to make of it.

"The snakes also like to eat rodents, deer and other mammals. Small Florida deer have been turning up inside the digestive tracts of Everglades pythons, which has alarmed deer lovers and also the deer."

Was the polling of deer regarding the python threat statistically accurate?

"The natural enemies of the python are lions, tigers and other large cats. There are few free-roaming African lions and tigers between Florida and San Francisco, the geological survey said."

"few" is not none. Hum....

"As for other potential prey, human beings - like rodents, beavers and deer - are mammals, government scientists confirmed."

Ah, government scientists hard at work. Here's to you Dr. Obvious.


The more I read it, the more I think it's a reprinted Onion article.

I Knew It! Jeff Cook Does Love the Purple Penetrator

A 13-year-old student in Ohio was suspending for doing what 43% of all 13 year olds do: pull pranks, make sex jokes, and disrespect authority figures. So how exactly can the school justify expelling the kid? And how close to the truth must M.O. have gotten for Principle Jeff Cook to get so bent? These are the questions that apparently only our legal system can answer.

Seriously Jeff. One of two things has happened:

A. You had no idea when you got into education that kids think all teachers and principals are dicks or bitches. Now your entire view of the public education system, society, and our children is forever tainted.

or

B. You understand kid's views on teachers and principles and you're just too much of a hard ass to handle this in the proper way (sans the Purple Penetrator). A good principle, like Ed Rooney, would let this one go. Then, with hope-filled anticipation, you'd wait for the future felon to make a mistake on school grounds.

Alas, there are not enough Ed Rooney's in the world. Welcome to the 21st century Mr. Cook, you ass-grabbing, dildo-loving pedophile. You should have left this disciplinary matter to the parents. Who in turn should have put down their Old Milwaukees, turned off the TV, and explained to little M.O. exactly why what he did was disrespectful, inappropriate, and just plain wrong. How this type of thing gets into our court systems is beyond me.

What we have here are multiple nominations for asshat of the week.

When Will It End? How's Never, is Never Good For You?

It's pretty rare that I feel sorry for a politician, but this guy can't buy a break. Maybe he's a racist, but my guess is he doesn't hate black people. My guess he's just stupid.

What the NAACP and all politically correct asshats fail to understand is that people have the right (thank you First Amendment) to say whatever they want (with a few specific excepts). What many people are failing to come to grips with is that language is fluid and people's speech, thanks to an ever falling level of proper use, varies widely. Words mean different things to different people. Any attempt to hold people to a common standard of good taste, morality, articulation, and intelligence is a futile effort.

At the center of this issue is the use of linguistic style and "short-cuts". Analogies, metaphors, colloquialisms, and even sarcasm, contribute to a variety of communication styles that require everyone understand the context of the language. In this world of sound bites and knee jerk reactions, context always seems to take a back seat to social agendas. Reading/hearing the words without understanding the underlying intent makes you as ignorant as those who's words you are attacking.

Let's take the lynching comment. I'm sure the term "lynch mob" generates very different imagery in Utah than it does in Mississippi. He used the term to get a point across in a very concise way. I understand what he was trying to say. We get this reaction from Mr. Lewis:

"The man knows nothing about what a lynch mob is...It's an insult for the man to say he's being lynched when we know what real lynchings are."

Really Mr. Lewis, when is the last time you witnessed a lynching? Really, you think Buttars actually thought he had a group of hate-filled people running around suburban Salt Lake with some rope? Really!

Well you know what Mr. Lewis, you're a shithead. And so there is no confusion, I do not believe you actually have feces in or on your head. Uncle Jimbo doesn't live in an African-American and white world. He lives in a world filled with levels gray (and Asians). Buttars should know this too. He should have been smart enough, given the current hot water he was in, to choose his words more carefully and avoid terms like "lynch mob". That just makes him stupid, along with Mr. Lewis and the rest of the NAACP.

My final thought. If we spent more time teaching our kids real world linguistic skills including both proper and common usage along with a little bit of tolerance we'd all be better off. Unfortunately my complete lack of faith in humanity leads me to believe that this slippery slope of chocolate-colored political correctness will NEVER end.

Gimp Saved from the Steely Toothed Maw of Darwin

I'd say, "Only in New York City", but this is probably happening in Hoboken too. Hangy Spanky. Great article title. I'll tell you this, if his foot slipping out of his shoe means that his feet are no longer touching the floor, then his feet weren't touching the floor in the first place. Hopefully New York's finest can figure that one out without me or David Caruso (sic! As if he would help).

You can picture it now..."Go get the gimp, oh crap he's blue!" What a bunch of fruit cakes. I can only hope that "Roger" wasn't our very own Col. Dutch Mustard. I know things have been a bit dry for him lately but I hope he hasn't fallen back into this life style. Dutch, where were you this weekend? Should I send a card and new leather chaps?

Uncle Jimbo's Vault of Wisdom

Check out the new categorized list of posts. Relive the past. Read about my thoughts on social improvement and, of course, all my posts on the founder of doublefootlongswithchili.org.

And the PC Beat Goes On

Just when you thought the only retarded thing to come out of Virginia was...um...everyone. It turns out that's true. The politically correct state senate found it necessary to ban the term "retarded".

What the article failed to mention is that the majority of the senator's stationary, name tags, and security badges will also have to be updated.

FACT: Mental retardation affects all levels of government. Changing the name won't change the fact.

Mathematical Proof for the Ages

If Scientology = Religion then Training ≠ Education

At least according to this story. Two of the organizations I despise most make a pact, monies are exchanges, and they'd like everyone to just forget about it.

'Ms. Yingling said the training Scientologists can deduct is not the same as religious education. "The use of the word 'training' in Scientology is not analogous to education," she said. "It's just another way of advancing spiritually in Scientology."'

Ah, it's perfectly clear. So:

If Tom Mapother = Michael Jackson and IRS = Ass-covering Douche Bags and Scientology ≠ Shit Crazy Cult then Training = Spiritual Advancement and Average American Tax Payer = Prison Bitch Q.E.D.

So given that proof, my suggestion to all those Oval-worshipping NASCAR fans is to start deducting you 30 packs of Keystone Light because I know they are an integral component of your spiritual advancement.

What on earth are we doing in this country when some asshat can have his thetans measured tax-free, but parents can't deduct their children's education. WTF.

Google Problem?

It's pretty rare that Google fails me in my search for truth, justice, and all things not Wikipedia. But then this happens.

All I can say is....I knew it. I knew that bastard loved cheeze whiz.

The Patriots Got Beat

Surprisingly I've taken the lose in the Superbowl better than I expected. I could spend my time discussing the game, the way the Pats got out coached and out played. Oh, and they still only lost on a late touchdown. But I won't. I do however have two things I need to comment on regarding the Superbowl.

1. The officials didn't get in the way. Seriously, the NFL should find a way to clone Mike Carey. He's the best referee they have, and he manages his squad of official like Michael Moore managing a Big Boy Super Stack (I'm not even sure if Big Boy has something called a Super Stack on their menu, but I guarantee that one exists at the Big Boy frequented by Best Grip Mike.) The NFL already has an anti-trust exemption from the government, maybe they could swing a human cloning exemption as well. Nice job Mr. Carey. Thanks for not ruining the Superbowl.

2. To every fan, broadcaster, and blogger in the known universe that uses the phrase "New York Football Giants", shut the fuck up. They are the New York Giants. The adjective "Football" hasn't been needed since 1957. That's 50 freakin' years. If you say New York Giants, no one is going to think about baseball. Period. Do you also say the "St. Louis Baseball Cardinals"? No. I rest my case. So from now on, to avoid confusion, I'm going to call them the New Jersey Giants.

Congrats to the New Jersey Giants for a great post season run. Good game. (Even if Eli is a putz.)

PS. Greg Easterbrook, you are an egotistical hack, how ESPN publishes your dribble is beyond me. You're as coherent as Tommy Mapother on a six pack of Red Bull ("drugs are immoral....but that Red Bull tastes GREAT!"). What I can't figure out, is that you have such distain for the Patriots, yet you keep giving individual Patriot's players recognition. You're one wierd bird. In the end, I hope you run into Stephen Gostkowski on the street where he gives you a 50 yard kick to the junk.