Man Fingers Himself (Aw Come On, That's Not What I Meant)

Required Reading Before The Test


Now, let's begin.

The Test:
You've recently been fired from your night shift at Dunkin Donuts, do you:
A) Go on a three day bender
B) Interview at the local parks and recreation department
C) Visit the local graveyard and knock down headstones in hopes of landing said P&R job
D) All of the above

Your real motivation for desecrating the graveyard is that:
A) Pushing over large stones makes you feel manly
B) You want to find all the people that said you'd never amount to anything and teach them a lesson. Covering the entire population requires a visit to the graveyard
C) The zombies were trying to get you
D) All of the above

During the graveyard shenanigans you sever your finger, do you:
A) Scream like a little girl
B) Run like the wind, afraid you will no longer be able to open and consume a can of Old Milwaukee in under 10 seconds
C) Leave the severed finger as an offering, hoping against hope it will not further incite the zombies to eat your brain
D) All of the above

For treatment of injured hand you:
A) Involve the police
B) Warn them that they won't find the finger anywhere near the zombie-filled graveyard
C) Forget to tell them that you severed you finger in an attempt to stop some hoodlums from destroying gravestones
D) All of the above

You end your night by:
A) Signing a waiver for "Cops"
B) Wishing you'd lost your entire hand so you could attach a chainsaw
C) Wondering, as you sit in lockup, if you'll be able to fight off Carl, the 330 pound redneck transvestite, with only nine digits
D) All of the above


Answer Key:
It doesn't really matter what you scored, had you been involved in any way in the situation described above you're a dumb ass. Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect unemployment.

Grab a Shank or Some Lipstick

We can only hope that these two "good 'ole boys" get a good long vacation in a max security PMITA prison. Followed closely by those losers from Fanny Mae.

I'll sure there are a lot of us who have walked away with a company pen or a package of sticky notes. But to have your accounting department cook the books of a federally funded organization so you could get millions of dollars in bonuses is one of the sickest, non-violent crimes I've ever seen. Not to mention the fact that the organization structures the compensation of their C-level managers, who are already making millions, to provide for millions of dollars in bonuses.

Franklin Raines (Chief Embezzlement Officer, Fanny Mae), you get my nomination for Asshat of the Month. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your crotch.

"Click It or Stick a Guard Rail In Your Skull"

Why do governments feel the need to protect citizens from their own stupidity? Take this article for instance. I don't even have to read beyond the sub-title. People who don't wear their seat belts should get everything they deserve, free steel head-gear and all. $31 million to monitor if gifted red-neck pickup drivers are wearing their seat belts on the back roads of Tennessee.

Other than the obvious insurance and health-care impacts of keeping seriously injured but, unfortunately, not mortally wounded seat-belt free accident victims alive, what possible benefit do programs such as "Click It or Ticket" have? However, even that impact will be short-lived as most people that are dead or in a vegetative state are unable to reproduce. To wear or not wear a seat belt? Here's a great personal liberty that the government shouldn't be getting involved in. If someone finds seat belts bothersome and uncomfortable, then please, please let them drive without them. They aren't putting anyone but themselves in danger. Other than the on-scene clean up crew, I don't think anyone but the seat-belt free idiot loses.

People wonder why the world isn't advancing fast enough. Why do we still have people that are poor, hungry, and homeless? Because we continually thwart the basic principles of nature: such as survival of the fittest. Instead of attempting to solve the right problems, we tackle the easy ones. We create ridiculous laws, and then have special programs to create awareness and "enforce" compliance.

Uncle Jimbo has a few ideas regarding more appropriate programs for our tax dollars. Let's focus on creating awareness and enforcement programs like these:

Crack It and Whack It: This one is very basic. Find the mothers giving birth to crack-addicted babies, and whack the $hit out of them. Making sure in the process that she fully understands she can either have the drugs, or the baby, but not both. the name of the program can be adjusted to meet the needs of other types of drugs.

Code It or Explode It: Find and destroy all the software development houses that create crappy software. Nothing is holding back technology more than a bunch of useless hacks creating uninspired, unusable, productivity killing software. If this was a federal program, Microsoft would have been repeatedly fire-bombed and the two most heinous software words in my daily life might not be relevant anymore: Lotus Notes.

Act or STFU: This is a California specific program that rounds up celebrities, in the wild, attempting to make statements in the areas of politics, religion, or any other meaningful area of interest. NO ONE WITH AN IQ OVER 110 CARES WHAT YOU THINK. STFU. Officers will be equipped with a trunk full of second hand socks to handle the completely unruly crowd like Best Grip Mike and Tommy Mapother.

Hang It or Bang It: My personal favorite. Laws would be created that would provide the common man (or woman) the ability to stop a moving vehicle whose driver is on a cell phone, extract them from the vehicle, and violate their person in any way that seems appropriate, ideally with the cell phone in question. Phonebang 'em til it hurts. Just make sure it's not set to vibrate, some of them might like it.

If you see a violation of the laws of nature, an act of a government or private organization providing stupid people the opportunity to escape the grasp of natural selection, please report it. It's the only way the rest of us aren't going to be bred out of existence.

It Couldn't Happen To a Crazier Asshat

Thank God the American public has some semblance of a clue regarding this nutjob. I have no plans to see Reality Impossible III, but I can only guess how horrific it is. The only sequel less interesting is my book would be Pearl Harbor 2. Hell, I think I'd rather see an Affleck movie right now, at least he knows how to have a good time without a copy of Dionetics in his pocket and it's unlikely that hackhole Tim Robbins would be a co-star.

Note to Meyer, Bruckheimer, and Grey: I am specifically not going to see this movie because Thomas Cruise Mapother IV is in the film. Either you're looking for your next "audit" for free, or you simply can't let a former box-office star go (aren't you still checking Stallone for tread life?). And guess what, if on the outside chance and by God's design I do come back in another life I'm still not going to watch any of Tom Mapother's shitty films.

War of the Worlds was the last piece of crap I suffered through. Interestingly, I'm surprised the church let him make that film. It must be okay to kill martians because they don't have thatens.

Great quote on thatens from Hubbard himself:
"From some experiments conducted about fifteen or twenty years ago--a thetan weighed about 1.5 ounces! Who made these experiments? Well, a doctor made these experiments. He weighed people before and after death, retaining any mass. He weighed the person, bed and all, and he found that the weight dropped at the moment of death about 1.5 ounces and some of them 2 ounces. (Those were heavy thetans.)"
Hubbard, The Phoenix Lectures, p. 147. Bridge Publications, 1982 ISBN 08840040062

Note to Reader: If you didn't get some of the Scientology references in here, check out Wiki, it's got a lot of info on the church.

Oh and Mapother:

Only in America, and Only in the South

Can someone from the South please explain this to me? Explain how you celebrate getting your ass kicked. Now before you all go Hillary on me, let me state that anyone who fights (and potentially dies) for what he believes in should be commended. That being said, we're talking about formal state holidays where paid state employees get the day off. What the hell is next, Bay of Pigs Day?

Hell, most people don't respect the federal holiday's we have like the 4th of July and Memorial Day. They're simply days people don't have to go to work. Taking a day off isn't going to help people "never forget their sacrifices". Hell, if we started taking days off for every group of people who've made sacrifices we end up working less than the French.

Hey southerners, suck it up, remember your ancestors on your own dime, and get back to work.