Call Me Old Fashioned

What the hell is this guy thinking?

Generally I'm not going to ingest anything that is known to be genetically defective. This general principle carries over to other areas of my life and the rules that I live by.

I won't:

• be entertained by anything genetically defective (see Michael Jackson rules, see also Michael Moore compendium)
• sleep with anything that is genetically defective (see Cher rule)
• work for anyone that is genetically defective (see Bill Gates rule)
• take advice from the genetically defective (see Tony Robbins rule)
• make a movie with anything that is genetically defective (see Damon/Affleck rule)

Oh, and Santa...

Make sure you give these guys something special this year....

Dear Santa,

With only a few days left before you take to the skies I wanted to give you my Christmas list. Now I know that you've been stealing NSA satellite time to keep an eye on people, but if you ignore some of my lesser moments this year, I won't blow you in as a foreigner performing terrorist-like activities on US soil. Not mention working the rooftops of American homes without a proper work visa.

So, just get me a couple of these things and there won’t be any problems:

1. A license to kill
2. Rock’em Sock’em Robots (classic)
3. A severe case of IBS for Best Grip Mike (aka Michael Moore)
4. Another Superbowl win for the Patriots (you can never have too many)
5. A Lennonesque holiday for Bono (Person of the Year my ass)
6. Any cool, super-violent, video game (preferably one that a congressperson has commented on but never seen)
7. No more George Lucas movies
8. Another corporate re-organization
9. PEZ candy the size of those big dispensers
10. An updated version of Rosemary’s Baby starring Katie Holmes
11. A Cubs team that plays ABOVE expectations
12. Peace on Earth and good will to all men [not in the Church of Scientology]

Thanks Santa, I know you’ll do the right thing…

He Ran Away From Who?

I have only one comment after reading this, "Are you kidding me, you ran scared from Hayden Christensen."

Next time try to follow up your great one-line with a kick to the nuts. Then you can walk away with a smile on your face.

Daredevil: The Movie Sucked And So Does the Life Style

If you saw the movie, you know that the only thing that could have improved it was if I was blind (and deaf) and didn't have to experience another pain-filled Affleck performance. Watching a questionable movie may end up causing mental anguish and the lasting feeling of having lost several hours of your life, but it generally doesn't kill or disfigure you. Not so for some of the activities "enjoyed" by those with a daredevil life style. I'm talking about those people who are into extreme sports such as skydiving, hang gliding, and having sex with Cher. I just don't get it. If something goes wrong, it goes REALLY wrong. Really bad things can happen. Like what happened to this nice, formerly attractive young woman. Even when I didn't have a family counting on me to be alive at the end of my weekend entertainment, I chose not to endanger my life senselessly.

I’d even throw bull riding, extreme skiing, and watching an episode of Joey into the mix. My suggestion, find some hobbies that are less dangerous. And for the love of all things human, if you have to do them, don’t do them while you’re pregnant. I have to look at the bright side though, now I can replace the phrase “Looks like someone hit her with an ugly stick!”, with “Looks like her chute didn’t open!”

Andy Rooney Must Die

How the hell is this guy still on a credible morally-questionable, liberally-biased, trash news program like 60 Minutes [But at least they're not covering the Ben and JLo, Brad and Angelina stories like most of the other "news programs"]. The guy is as senile as Harry Carrey in the later years. You know, the Harry Carrey that would say things like, “Derrick May’s name spelled backwards is Yam.” Thanks Harry, here’s your cookie.

Last night Rooney starts his rant off by reminiscing about how, when he was a youngster, you’d see lots of Chevrolets, Buicks, and Packards on the roads. Now every American auto manufacturer has too many models to remember. He then goes on to talk about how American car quality isn’t good any more and, here’s the best part, it’s because they’re spending too much time figuring out new model names. He then raves about Japanese cars and says how great the Toyota cars are and that he owns one.

My wife and I sat there staring at the television like we just watched a Superbowl halftime show where some ancient band teams up with a couple of talent-less pop stars to create a musical abomination only a network executive could love.

Hey Rooney, I’m going to go out on a limb here but my guess is that when a manager at GM asks one of this automotive engineers what he did that week the response isn’t, “Well I was on the CAD system for about 4 hours and worked with the clay model in the wind tunnel for about 8, but the rest of the time I was thinking about the name for this new model.” Hellooo, they have retarded marketing people to come up with the names. Their quality sucks because they’re incompetent, not because everyone at Ford is thinking about new names.

Apparently what the US auto industry is lacking is what the Japanese have figured out. How to come up with cool names and still build a quality car? Hey, Andy, it’s a kind of magic. Look I just pulled this bladder control device out of your hairy ear. Presto. Thanks for uncovering that mystery. Next week, try a story on the negative effects of eating fast food and why it’s because the seats in McDonald’s are uncomfortable. Dumbass.

Saddam Changes Strategy

In what most people view as a lame attempt to keep the world interested in his pre-execution trial, Saddam has decided to play the You're Bigger Bullies Than I Am card at his trial. Calling the judges and the court "unjust" and equating their management of the trial to "terrorism", Saddam boycotted his trial. It is also believed that Saddam will be begin to boycott other things such as the prison pick-up soccer game and his weekly prison shower. Although he was unavailable for comment, a source close to Saddam stated that he is tired of being treated like an ex-dictator and mass murder. "He's continually picked last for the soccer teams and believes he is being targeted by prison authorities during his shower time because he can only get a standard bar of soap while most of the other inmates get soap-on-a-rope. It hurts him, it hurts him deeply," the source said.

It is believed that Saddam is also taking things into his own hands. He recently attempted to use a Get Out of Jail Free card on one of his jailers. The jailer, agreeing to be interviewed as long as his identity was withheld said, "At first I was like, wow...how'd he get one of these? I was about the let him walk when I realized that it wasn't signed. I've heard of guys falling for this one, but I wasn't about to let it happen on my watch." Sources have indicated that Saddam is also contemplating the "I Know You Are But What Am I?" defense and the Chewbacca defense. Only time will tell how long we'll have to wait for his inevitable execution but it is believed that Saddam will be boycotting the sunrise on that day.

Please, Take My Money

It's not often stupid crooks come up with a doomed-from-the-beginning plan and actually have it work. In this case, they found someone dumber than them. I might have taken them to the bank, withdrawn $10 in Deutsche Marks, and explained to them that I don't have any US currency in the bank, but that with the current exchange rate this is $6,000. Who knows, they might fall for it. (For the sake of humor we'll assume that Deutsche Marks were still in circulation.)

I love the end of the article where they go all PSA and give us tips...I have a few more:

• Don't trust anyone who works or shops at Wal-Mart
• Don't trust anyone who claims to have $8,000 in cash on their person
• Carry a gun so if someone approaches you with $8,000 in cash on their person you can hold them up
• If someone claims to "not like the serial numbers on their cash" try to get them to open about why the numbers are so offensive you may find out that you don't like them either
• When laundering money always, and I mean always, ask to see the dirty cash up front (you want to make sure they don't have an envelope full of Monopoly money, or worse yet, Canadian cash)
• When laundering money, don't do it at a place you frequent...like Wal-Mart