Mock The Vote 2006

Kerry should just leave politic, jokes, and other activities requiring higher brain functions to the professions. Way to go John-boy.

Now this one goes to all of you, so-called, politicians. Cut the shit. We don't want you, we don't need you, and we don't much like you. Your barb-filled diatribes are pointless and petty. You come home and you reek of lobby money and special interest whores. If only I could divorce you. Humm.....

That's it. Uncle Jimbo suggests the following voting strategy. Vote out the incumbents. That's right, we continually elect only new candidates, and we keep doing this until things start to change. No exceptions. I don't care how bad the new guy is, they all need to be sent a message.

Now do it. If, on November 5th, all the incumbants are not out, I'm going to find every last one of you who didn't stick to the plan and I'm going to Roshambo you.

See I'm Not The Only One!

2004 PSA from the guys at Red versus Blue.

He's just such a big, fat, dumb, blubbering, chili-dog eating, senseless, mesa-reject, plaid-wearing, docusuckary-making, sausage-guzzling, ass-hatted target.

My New Hero is...

...Tiki Barber. The guy knows what he wants. He's got the money, the recognition, and most of all he still has his health. Like Barry Sanders did seven years ago, Barber leaves in his prime. Not retiring, he's making a life change to pursue other interested. Way to go Tiki. Then the over-paid wind bags of the sports media, many ex-athletes who have either lost perspective or tow the company line in regards to generating news instead of reporting it, decide to voice their opinions on the subject. As if they matter. But the beauty is, Mr. Barber fires back. Michael Irvin, you are his BITCH! But I'm not going to make this about him. this post is about Tiki.

Tiki, congrats for a great career, and good luck with your future endeavours. We will miss you on Sunday afternoon.

Interesting Takes On Sarcasm

Here is a question posed and some decent responses.

Uncle Jimbo's Response:

"I'm sorry did you say something? I was over here making fun of people who ask ignorant questions."

Uncle Jimbo wants to see your view on the subject (if only for future fodder). Leave a comment.

Dave Matthews vs. Finger Nails on a Chalk Board

Is it just me or is this guy's voice more offensive than Roseanne Barr's? Whenever I hear a song it makes me want to do a Nethack genocide on all creatures named "Matthews". Yes Dave, I'd like to squeeze your neck til your vocal chords pop and I can be guaranteed not to hear anything new from your candy-assed voice. Then I'd hunt down and destroy the millions of CDs your douche bag followers have purchased. Finally, I'd write a WORM to find and destroy any electronic copies of your (air quotes) music (air quotes).

The sad part is that it's not just chicks that buy his craptacular music. There are guys that have parted with cold hard cash to own his collection of vomit inducing melodies. Many of them are probably under the false impression that being a Dave Matthews fan will "get them in good" with the ladies. If you are a guy, and you own any Dave Matthews music, look up! There's a giant can of Milwaukee's Best descending on you as you read this.

I recognize my hostility, and self-awareness is a wonderful thing.

The worst is changing radio stations when his music comes on only to be cornered in your vehicle by all the non-country stations in town playing his music. Let's see Adult Contemporary, yep. Alternative, yep. Top 40, yep. Gospel...um...yep. Easy Listening, yep. Any station in town will play his crap and I don't know why! WHY DO PEOPLE LIKE HIS MUSIC?

Hey Dave, how about I crash into you with my fist?

But, for those who must get their DMB fix. Uncle Jimbo cannot deny. Here's a clip of Dave in concert.

I've Got a Huge....

right ventromedial prefrontal cortex. Among all the others, this is great reason to find a cure for autism. All people should have the pleasure of using and understanding sarcasm.

In the Beginning, God Made Stupid

For it was not good that man should always be right. Man must make mistakes, to learn from them. But stupid was easy, and man clung to it. Soon Stupid begat Stupid, who begat Stupid, and his brother Dumb. And then Dumb begat Ignorant through inappropriate relations with Dense. Soon the world was filled with Stupid and all it's relations. And so it is to this day.

This is the only explanation for this one. What tool thought this one through and said, "Yeah, fish and coral will love the smell and feel of tires." Dumbass. This just proves that our children won't be unique in their utter disgust for what their ancestors did.

Now, let's take the fight to stupid. Use guns, napalm, and old tires if necessary.

Email Updates...Take 2

Well, I've got a new provider for email updates. If you're interesting in my ramblings or you simply read my site for the Michael Moore jokes, go ahead and sign up for automatic email updates.

Thanks rssfwd.com.

Uncle Jimbo Uses Stereotypes (GASP!)

Being hyper-opinionated often leaves me open to attack by those that feel I'm too quick to generalize or stereotype. Well, I'm sorry that you don't like the fact that old people are bad drivers, young woman are psychotic, guys are pigs, and all politicians are drunken sex hounds with the scruples of Charles Mason.

I simply observe the world around me and comment on what I see. The world is too complex a place to not categorize. Sure there are exception to every rule. But for every exception there are a hundred thousand examples of typical-ness.

Let's take Chytoria Graham as an example. It wasn't long ago that I was extolling the "virtues" of clueless parents who were stuffing their kids in car trunks. Well Chytoria here has raised the bar. This sick bitch used her own flesh and blood as a device to inflict physical harm on her "boyfriend".

Indulge me while I play profiler for a minute.

Chytoria Graham, raised (or born into) in a broken home where mom couldn't come up with a 6th girl name so she played Name that Baby with the Scrabble game. Chytoria, ended up on the streets for a few years in her early teens but was able to get herself "straightened out" with a night job at McDonalds, a place to stay with Bubba, and a muffin in the oven.

Chytoria has had more boyfriends than jobs, and she's very thankful that only four of them knocked her up (five times). Drugs are most likely involved and she probably weights under 100 pounds. Welfare has been much easier than making fries, and the addition of baby number five means a sweet little increase in the monthly check. She's a middle rung in the ladder of domestic violence, and this isn't the first time she's abused her children. Seen more as a burden, despite the monthly check, she dehumanizes them and the Circle of Losers begins all over again.

Some reading this might be disgusted by my profiling. To you I say, "wake up." THIS is life in America in the 21st century. Others might say that it's easy for me to be critical, I haven't lived that kind of life. To you I say STFU. There is nothing, in this universe, that could happen to me that would make me pick up a child (let alone my own) and wield it like Conan the F'ing Barbarian wields his enormous sword. The lack of respect for human life disgusts me. But Uncle Jimbo, you're not respecting Chytoria. I respect all people's right to breath, right up until they do something that proves they don't share this same basic moral code. Then all bets are off. In fact, Erie, PA isn't that far away from Uncle Jimbo. I should pay Miss Graham a visit. I'll pick her up, take her down to the local park and hit some batting practice using her as my bat.

This behavior will NOT stop until we take a serious look at the entitlement programs in America and fix them so that they encourage fewer children, provide work for welfare programs, and generally make it simplier to break the cycle. People are lazy, selfish pricks. If they can get free money they'll do it, if they can't they'll probably just steal something. But we should do everything in our power to give them that choice.

When Business Meets Technology

Normally I don't get comment on technology news, because honestly, it's pretty boring. Uncle Jimbo used to be a technologist, now I'm just an uninspired blogger with a fantasy football team that plays like the Steelers. However this story is particularly ironic (which we all know is a monkey and bottle of hot sauce away from being sarcasm.)

It sure can get ugly when changes to technology make it look like Lo Pan got busy on your business plan. It can also make strange bedfellows. Case in Point: Symantec and McAfee.

So let's see, they're getting all pissed because Microsoft has closed the last (sic) "huge" security hole in their operating system thus eliminating the need for their products. Now it's not beyond the Kingdom of Gates to try and screw every other software manufacturer out there. But let's be serious, this one actually makes sense.

The best part of this article is the quote from a "Symantec spokesman". And I quote: "[Microsoft] is putting the core of the operating system in a lock box." Wait, didn't you just...um...I mean, that's a good thing right? Or are you trying to say it's bad? 'Cause from a consumer perspective it's good. But I can understand why it's bad for you. Good for consumers, bad for business. Ah, I see your dilemma.

Seriously though, isn't a more secure kernel a good thing? I mean, roshambo me and call me Kenny but isn't a lock box more secure? Keeps everyone from screwing with your kernel. Or is this some sort of (virtual) deep-fried lock box that could be easily eaten through by the likes of a Michael Moore worm? I know I don't want anyone messing with my kernel. You can leave it right where it is...untouched.

Man technology makes me almost as sick politics. Almost.

Screw the Fences

Hey, some local fishermen found a 130 pound crocodile in the Rio Grande. Seriously, how did we not think of this sooner. Grab some endangered alligators from the Everglades and introduce them in the Rio Grande. Sure, it could have an adverse affect on the eco-system, but a healthy population of gators would cut down on illegal northbound swimmers and tubers.

This idea has Nobel Peace Prize for Brilliance written all over it.

Oh Youth of America, Do Us Proud!

I had a friend the other day ask me about portable data backup devices. He had some basic questions and, in classic Uncle Jimbo fashion, I answered them as sarcastically as possible. Of course he was claiming he had lots of "client" photos he needed to backup....but I knew he just needed to be able to take his porn collection with him.

Part of my sarcasm was based on the fact that I assume a basic level of technical understanding from anyone under age 50. Obviously when you get into computers, the speed at which things change makes it hard for non-techies to keep up, so my sarcasm was probably a little excessive. However, these two geniuses are about as dumb as they come. How anyone thinks they can make a prank call these days (especially to 911) without getting caught is just plain funny.

My suggestion for sentencing these two? I propose a live brain donate. We'll take both brains, and put them in a robot. We'll have the first robot that can sit in a corner, suck it's thumb, and piss hydraulic fluid all over the floor. Which might make the robot a larger contributor to society than either of the "pranksters".

This posting brought to you by the PASATF (People Against Stupidity And The French) and a Wikipedia, "it may not always be accurate, but at least you got an answer."

Canadian Scientist Discovers He Has Stones

I'd like to shake this guy's hand. There always seems to be too much capitulation and not enough "bite me" to go around. Andrew Okulitch, I applaud you and your anti-political sentiments. Oh yeah, and have fun playing with your rocks.

Old Dog; Older Trick

It used to be, as a guy, you could get away with a lot in your quest to have some form of sexual contact with a woman. Apparently trick #376 should be categorized as Questionably Effective with risks including permanent change of residence and incarceration. It's always a sad day when we lose another one.

Please, Please Let Me Punch the Mac

These Mac/PC commercials have gone to far....or maybe not far enough. I'm SOOOOOO tired of that tool Mac being all, "I'm younger and cooler than you are". Let's take the one where they're talking about spyware and viruses. "I don't have to worry about spyware, I run OS/X." What he should have said is "I don't have to worry about spyware, no one cares about disrupting the lives of K-12 students." The reality is that there is no spyware on the Mac because no one cares what Mac users are doing.

So Apple is trying to tell us that OS/X is impervious to malicious attack. Interesting. I wonder how much I'd have to pay to get some loser to hack-me-up some sweet OS/X virus. Something cool that would, oh I don't know, screw with their dock, change their color depth and deprive them of smoothly animated icons. Yeah, that'll get 'em. Naw, no money in that. But an iPod virus. Now that'll piss off a bunch of tools.

What I want to see are the missing commercials. Like the one where PC and Mac are at a party. And PC is surrounded by all these beautiful women, models, doctors, lawyers....and then there is Mac surrounded by a couple of semi-goths who are still in art school.

PC: "Look at all this great software. What more could a computer ask for?"

Mac: "Yeah, that's nice but I'm happy with my boutique library of programs. Like iPhoto, iMovie, and GarageBand. Oh yeah, and Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing."

Voice over: "Mac, it's what you want if you're rebellious, artsy, and poor!"

[long pause]

"Or if you think you're cool."

Another long lost Apple Ad

The Return of Uncle Jimbo

Alright, so I didn't surrender. I couldn't do it. Free time has been at a premium, hence my recent extended absence. However, the pressures of life have been building somewhat recently and thought it might help to blow off a little steam and remind you all how much I despise stupidity. Human stupidity is a given, but why does it have to slap me in the face on a regular basis. One one hand, Atlantis is in orbit today as we continue to build an orbital space station. Meanwhile somewhere on the planet (probably in the southern United States), someone is watching the first 15 minutes of 2001: A Space Odyssey for the first time and thinking it reminds him of the fight he saw down at the bar last week.

How is it that we have such a variance in intelligence within the species? Do other species have the same issue? We see monkeys flinging crap and think, "Man, it's good to be more evolved." I think there is actually a monkey sitting there yelling at a companion, "What the hell?! Can't we just go out for dinner without you tossing your crap at some stranger? Damn stupid monkey." I think that probably happens a lot.

That same monkey watches as people pass by the zoo cage and thinks to himself, "Sure you can make movies, but have you watched them? I'd like to fling some celluloid at you after sitting through Fahrenheit 9/11."

Here are a couple of things to ponder:

"The depth of collective human ingenuity is surpassed only by the breadth of individual human stupidity." -- Uncle Jimbo

"Monkeys are cool. Smart monkeys are way cooler and they'll make better rulers than apes." -- Uncle Jimbo

Uncle Jimbo Surrenders

After 13 hours on a plane last week, and countless run-ins with people needing to be vacuumed out of the gene pool, I simply must surrender. I'm just trying to find the addresses of the people I need to headbutt.

Here is, in no particular order, the people I am surrendering to:

1. The guy who thought taking 100 teenager Brazilians on a tour of the US would be good for them.

Note to this guy: Americans don't like smelly foreigners. Don't get me wrong I'm sure I stink of onion rings and root beer. But it's American stink on American soil. Leave your stink at home. We don't like foreigners or teenagers which basically means your kids are going to see the worst American hospitality has to offer.

2. The guy who wrote the computer software that drives seating assignments on airplanes.

Note to this guy: I'll find you, and I will kick you in the junk. Hard. I never get the well groomed, evenly tempered, professional next to me. It's like spinning the Wheel of Fortune and always landing on "Worst Travel Companion Possible."

3. The 14-year-old Brazilian that I had the displeasure of sitting next to for 8 hours on a classic, cramped 737.

Note to this kid: You reek six days to Carnival. Now it may have been caused by the fever and the wet hacking cough, but my guess is you stink regardless of your current health. As for the gaseous emanations, I can't believe the sweet little stinker next to you didn't get up and leave. I would have but I was trapped against the window. Thank God for the new book I had. The smell of new paper and ink was the only thing that saved me. If I could have moved enough to reach your carry-on bag I would have left you a nice steaming present for your hotel room in NYC. Tit for tit, or so Dwight Schrute says. Oh, and learn the language. Don't travel to a country where you can't speak with the natives. Why do you think I don't go to France....ok, there's a bunch of reasons for that but me not speaking the language is one of the considerate ones.

4. The flight attendants who decided it would be better to disappear than to show up for work.

Note to attendants: Next time you score a couple of big clients after your pole routine, just drop the airline a quick call to let them know you won't be able to make the flight. That way the rest of us can get home on time.

5. The verbose captain from flight 7734.

Note to pilot: STFU. After 5 hours of delays and corresponding explanations in excruciating detail we had enough. Just announce the delay and shut off the mike. In the old days, I would have pulled out my Swiss army knife, stormed the cockpit and done unspeakable things to you and your flight crew. Now I'm stuck sitting in 22A dizzy from the fumes, knowing full well that your getting-off on being paid for sitting on the ground.

6. Finally, I must find the mute and his retarded wife.

Note to mute and retard wife: Next time you want to sit down, try ASKING! Standing, staring, and pointing with your cane won't get you very far. A few guttural tones resembling words might get you a smile and the seat of your choice. As for the window seats at the terminal, yes, they are nice. But only when left uninterrupted by chatty rednecks and their mute common-law husbands.

Official terms of surrender for my current land holdings in the gene pool forthcoming.

Age-old French Tradition Is Changing

In a shocking turn of events, and in a show of support for French soccer star Zinedine Zidane, the French people selected the head-butt as their new official form of surrender in their annual popular vote. This marks the first time since the popular vote was introduced in 1947 that the white flag will not be a part of the standard surrender process for French citizens.

"It was obvious, I think, to everyone that Zidane had given up in the second overtime. For him the writing was on the locker-room wall, it just wasn't worth fighting the fight anymore. The cold shower and consolation champagne must have seemed much more appealing." said French Interior Minister Nicolas Sarkozy. "It's possible this is a one-year change, but I'd be surprised if the white flag comes back anytime soon." Other than the "Yankerchief" year of 1979, and 1994*, this is the first time that the traditional waving or displaying a white flag is not the preferred method of surrender.

The Geneva Convention stipulates specifically that the white flag will be used as a sign of surrender or cease-fire. As such the France will continue to honor the traditional method, while lobbying the larger EU community to raise awareness for their new, unique method. German Chancellor Angela Merkel received a personal phone call from French Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin to announce the change. "We just wanted to make sure there wouldn't be any confusion between our two countries." Villepin said in a follow-on statement.

We'll have to wait until next year to see if the head-butt catches on, or if it's just another sign of World Cup mania.

* In 1994, an embarrassing situation arose when it was discovered that the winning method of surrender, stuffing a white flag in your mouth, was in fact both nominated and seconded not by citizens of France, but by two English born university students on summer break in the riviera.

A Broken Moral Compass?

Sometimes I read a quote and simply think, "Damn...that dude is just plain dumb." And then I think, "No wait, that guy probably has a publicists, and that guy is really dumb."

How can an oil company executive get away with a quote like this? Let me get this straight, you the "oil man" are telling us what's morally correct. You've got the compass and we should be following you? Is that what your saying? So it's better to continue to do what we've been doing and "look to the future of wood chip powered Beamers" than to take some baby steps towards eliminating our dependence on oil. I know, in your morally accurate way, you couldn't possibly want to go on drilling our environment like a 12-hour date with Paris Hilton. Or continuing the clean, efficient, and safe methods of extracting, transporting, and refining crude oil. (Sarcasm mode off).

Hey oil man, let's be honest. Your job is to sell oil and oil-based products. There really isn't much room in that position for morality. You know it. I know it. All non-NASCAR fans know it. My job on the other hand is to abuse dumbasses like you and, as a consumer, spend my money where I see fit which, shockingly, won't be with Shell.

Oh by the way, I think most of the crops that are used (or being discussed) for E85 are already used for other non-(human)-food purposes. You know, like feed corn. I'm guessing we're not going to feed the world's hungry with brown sugar and molasses. You might want to get a new corporate spin doctor, you ignorant buffoon.

The Well Must Be Dry

In an odd turn of events, the church (sic) Of scientology is now the proud parent of a freshly painted Ford Taurus...with racing decals. It seems that they've subverted...er...converted all the celebrities they can so they have set their sights on a new target. And who better to confuse with nonsensical babble? The NASCAR crowd; the second gem in the triple crown of stupidity.

My question is, this can only mean that the NASCAR virus has taken a foothold in the affluent areas of America. I mean, other than money, why would the cOs be trying to recruit beer swilling rednecks? I guess it's possible that they're looking to add some muscle to their organization given that most of their current members are spineless, sissified, nancy-boys who probably need stand-ins for their personal sex lives.

And what, you ask, is the third gem in the triple crown?

"Mr. Kennedy and Ms. Clinton, could I take a few minutes of your time to discuss your past lives and thetan levels?"

Man Fingers Himself (Aw Come On, That's Not What I Meant)

Required Reading Before The Test


Now, let's begin.

The Test:
You've recently been fired from your night shift at Dunkin Donuts, do you:
A) Go on a three day bender
B) Interview at the local parks and recreation department
C) Visit the local graveyard and knock down headstones in hopes of landing said P&R job
D) All of the above

Your real motivation for desecrating the graveyard is that:
A) Pushing over large stones makes you feel manly
B) You want to find all the people that said you'd never amount to anything and teach them a lesson. Covering the entire population requires a visit to the graveyard
C) The zombies were trying to get you
D) All of the above

During the graveyard shenanigans you sever your finger, do you:
A) Scream like a little girl
B) Run like the wind, afraid you will no longer be able to open and consume a can of Old Milwaukee in under 10 seconds
C) Leave the severed finger as an offering, hoping against hope it will not further incite the zombies to eat your brain
D) All of the above

For treatment of injured hand you:
A) Involve the police
B) Warn them that they won't find the finger anywhere near the zombie-filled graveyard
C) Forget to tell them that you severed you finger in an attempt to stop some hoodlums from destroying gravestones
D) All of the above

You end your night by:
A) Signing a waiver for "Cops"
B) Wishing you'd lost your entire hand so you could attach a chainsaw
C) Wondering, as you sit in lockup, if you'll be able to fight off Carl, the 330 pound redneck transvestite, with only nine digits
D) All of the above


Answer Key:
It doesn't really matter what you scored, had you been involved in any way in the situation described above you're a dumb ass. Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect unemployment.

Grab a Shank or Some Lipstick

We can only hope that these two "good 'ole boys" get a good long vacation in a max security PMITA prison. Followed closely by those losers from Fanny Mae.

I'll sure there are a lot of us who have walked away with a company pen or a package of sticky notes. But to have your accounting department cook the books of a federally funded organization so you could get millions of dollars in bonuses is one of the sickest, non-violent crimes I've ever seen. Not to mention the fact that the organization structures the compensation of their C-level managers, who are already making millions, to provide for millions of dollars in bonuses.

Franklin Raines (Chief Embezzlement Officer, Fanny Mae), you get my nomination for Asshat of the Month. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your crotch.

"Click It or Stick a Guard Rail In Your Skull"

Why do governments feel the need to protect citizens from their own stupidity? Take this article for instance. I don't even have to read beyond the sub-title. People who don't wear their seat belts should get everything they deserve, free steel head-gear and all. $31 million to monitor if gifted red-neck pickup drivers are wearing their seat belts on the back roads of Tennessee.

Other than the obvious insurance and health-care impacts of keeping seriously injured but, unfortunately, not mortally wounded seat-belt free accident victims alive, what possible benefit do programs such as "Click It or Ticket" have? However, even that impact will be short-lived as most people that are dead or in a vegetative state are unable to reproduce. To wear or not wear a seat belt? Here's a great personal liberty that the government shouldn't be getting involved in. If someone finds seat belts bothersome and uncomfortable, then please, please let them drive without them. They aren't putting anyone but themselves in danger. Other than the on-scene clean up crew, I don't think anyone but the seat-belt free idiot loses.

People wonder why the world isn't advancing fast enough. Why do we still have people that are poor, hungry, and homeless? Because we continually thwart the basic principles of nature: such as survival of the fittest. Instead of attempting to solve the right problems, we tackle the easy ones. We create ridiculous laws, and then have special programs to create awareness and "enforce" compliance.

Uncle Jimbo has a few ideas regarding more appropriate programs for our tax dollars. Let's focus on creating awareness and enforcement programs like these:

Crack It and Whack It: This one is very basic. Find the mothers giving birth to crack-addicted babies, and whack the $hit out of them. Making sure in the process that she fully understands she can either have the drugs, or the baby, but not both. the name of the program can be adjusted to meet the needs of other types of drugs.

Code It or Explode It: Find and destroy all the software development houses that create crappy software. Nothing is holding back technology more than a bunch of useless hacks creating uninspired, unusable, productivity killing software. If this was a federal program, Microsoft would have been repeatedly fire-bombed and the two most heinous software words in my daily life might not be relevant anymore: Lotus Notes.

Act or STFU: This is a California specific program that rounds up celebrities, in the wild, attempting to make statements in the areas of politics, religion, or any other meaningful area of interest. NO ONE WITH AN IQ OVER 110 CARES WHAT YOU THINK. STFU. Officers will be equipped with a trunk full of second hand socks to handle the completely unruly crowd like Best Grip Mike and Tommy Mapother.

Hang It or Bang It: My personal favorite. Laws would be created that would provide the common man (or woman) the ability to stop a moving vehicle whose driver is on a cell phone, extract them from the vehicle, and violate their person in any way that seems appropriate, ideally with the cell phone in question. Phonebang 'em til it hurts. Just make sure it's not set to vibrate, some of them might like it.

If you see a violation of the laws of nature, an act of a government or private organization providing stupid people the opportunity to escape the grasp of natural selection, please report it. It's the only way the rest of us aren't going to be bred out of existence.

It Couldn't Happen To a Crazier Asshat

Thank God the American public has some semblance of a clue regarding this nutjob. I have no plans to see Reality Impossible III, but I can only guess how horrific it is. The only sequel less interesting is my book would be Pearl Harbor 2. Hell, I think I'd rather see an Affleck movie right now, at least he knows how to have a good time without a copy of Dionetics in his pocket and it's unlikely that hackhole Tim Robbins would be a co-star.

Note to Meyer, Bruckheimer, and Grey: I am specifically not going to see this movie because Thomas Cruise Mapother IV is in the film. Either you're looking for your next "audit" for free, or you simply can't let a former box-office star go (aren't you still checking Stallone for tread life?). And guess what, if on the outside chance and by God's design I do come back in another life I'm still not going to watch any of Tom Mapother's shitty films.

War of the Worlds was the last piece of crap I suffered through. Interestingly, I'm surprised the church let him make that film. It must be okay to kill martians because they don't have thatens.

Great quote on thatens from Hubbard himself:
"From some experiments conducted about fifteen or twenty years ago--a thetan weighed about 1.5 ounces! Who made these experiments? Well, a doctor made these experiments. He weighed people before and after death, retaining any mass. He weighed the person, bed and all, and he found that the weight dropped at the moment of death about 1.5 ounces and some of them 2 ounces. (Those were heavy thetans.)"
Hubbard, The Phoenix Lectures, p. 147. Bridge Publications, 1982 ISBN 08840040062

Note to Reader: If you didn't get some of the Scientology references in here, check out Wiki, it's got a lot of info on the church.

Oh and Mapother:

Only in America, and Only in the South

Can someone from the South please explain this to me? Explain how you celebrate getting your ass kicked. Now before you all go Hillary on me, let me state that anyone who fights (and potentially dies) for what he believes in should be commended. That being said, we're talking about formal state holidays where paid state employees get the day off. What the hell is next, Bay of Pigs Day?

Hell, most people don't respect the federal holiday's we have like the 4th of July and Memorial Day. They're simply days people don't have to go to work. Taking a day off isn't going to help people "never forget their sacrifices". Hell, if we started taking days off for every group of people who've made sacrifices we end up working less than the French.

Hey southerners, suck it up, remember your ancestors on your own dime, and get back to work.

Good Use of Your Community Association Funds

Generally I'm a fan of vigilantism, and this is no exception. I have to hand it to the wealthy blokes, they got their point across. Although I wouldn't have sent bullets. I'd have sent some video tapes of him in prison playing catcher with a reminder that you don't need to be behind bars to be someones bitch.

It's interesting that the public views sex offenders in a different light than other violent criminals when it comes to residency. Do people really think, "Hey, this murdered moved in next door, but I don't know the details of the case so maybe he's okay." Or is it a group think, that while other violent offenders can be reformed sexual offenders are lifers and they will do it again. Interesting topic for discussion around the next campfire. I say ship 'em all off to a desert island.

And what's with paying out a state sponsored lottery to a convicted felon? Holy crap, nothing like giving a guy, who would normally have to bust his ass to make ends meat, all the time in the world to think up and execute new and inventive ways to violate others.

I can only hope there were enough funds in the Darras Hall Homeowners
Association fund to "do" this guy the right way.

Those crazy customers...

There's the old adage, "The custom is always right." I couldn't agree more, unless the customer has opened their mouth, then all bets are off. Look, there are a lot, and I mean a lot, of stupid people in the world. Guess what, most of them are someone's customer. You do the math.

Here's a great example of someone telling the "customer" the truth...and apparently, it hurt.

My new adage, "Customers are stupid lemmings....with money." It always helps to keep me focused.

Bush's Biggest Mistake

While I'll freely admit that I voted for the guy (and still believe that he was the lesser of two evils), there is no doubt in my mind that the man is not cut out for the job. But also realize that neither he, nor probably any other mentally-challenged individual could possibly succeed in the office of the President. For that matter, I don't think there a single individual, handicapible or not, that can respond properly and without error given the responsibilities of the position.

If I were to summarize his blunders in one simple statement, it would be this: He obviously is not a student of history. If he were he would have been more prepared for what Churchill forewarned:

"Never, never, never believe any war will be smooth and easy, or that anyone who embarks on the strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he will encounter. The statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of unforeseeable and uncontrollable events."

Good luck to the next guy.

Great Britain Kicks Ass

This story of white-trash gone bad can only sound this compelling and proper in the U.K. My favorite quote "Magistrates said they did not have the power to punish Miss Ellis severely enough". Punishing magistrates kick ass.

Why is that "proper" English and the culture of England still hold such a power over us, the uncultured Americans? You could read me dog food ingredients, and if it was done with the proper British accent it would kick ass so much I'd want to eat it.

Of course this is all balanced by our complete lack of understanding when it comes to British royalty. I guess maybe we just transfer our need for celebrity onto those in show business, while the Brits stick to their inbred monarchs. So take you're pick; tall, big-eared prince with questionable taste in women, or short, purple-clad prince with questionable-straight tendencies. Prince and Prince do NOT kick ass.

Outsourcing: It's Not Just Dumb, It's Deadly

A disaster like this can ruin a company. Only time how well Reebok can survive the consumer backlash, lawsuit, and all the negative press. Is this actually a new Chinese plot, or simply a lack of intelligence in the marketing department at Reebok? Obviously the excitement from the "I can get 'em for 5 cent each!" marketing department has faded.

When is corporate America going to realize that, although there are a lot of fat, lazy American workers, most likely they'll still do a better job than someone in China, India, or some other non-English speaking country.

While the cost per unit savings in a manufacturing industry might be easy to monitor, I don't think the same holds true for technology jobs. It seems like outsourcing technology jobs is still a "good idea". A while back Dell claimed they were no longer outsourcing technical support to India. It appears as though it was only one company in India that lost their business. Turns out, only corporate customers get the benefit of no calls being handled in India.

I'm sure the metrics and financials for outsourcing technology jobs are complex, and it's probably very easy to look at the per hour wages being paid to employees and say that the company is saving money. A proper analysis would look at some of the other, softer factors such as customer satisfaction, productivity losses due to time zone and language barriers, etc.

I have many other thoughts on this subject but I'll simply provide the sage wisdom that only Scott Adams can provide in three simple frames. (checkout the follow up from 3/28).

Risk Free Offer (sic)

So I'm plowing through the reams of junk mail we get every day; catalogs, credit card offers, and other useless marketing materials that only make me not want to use the sending companies products and services. When, all of a sudden I find something out of the ordinary. It's a small relatively plain card with information regarding a free offer.

Simply apply the included sticker and receive a Risk Free Trial. Generally I'm all over free stuff. But it was the Risk Free part of the statement that made me stop and ponder. The offer was for a complimentary issue of Playboy.

Free yes, risk free for the average married man....no way. "Look honey, my free issue of Playboy just showed up. I love the articles." Playboy should really have better demographics for their lists and should have different messages for married versus single men. What I got would be fine for single guys, but the married card should have said something like "Get a free copy and we'll send it in an opaque plastic bag to your alternate address of choice."

But even that isn't risk free. Maybe Playboy should just go with "FREE". Nakedness and risk generally go hand-in-hand....so to speak.

Asshatted Constitutional Fact of Week

I read an article in the Sunday paper regarding the affect of the census on congressional representation. Now it's not often that I read something that I don't already know, and maybe I knew this at one time and just decided to purge it.

Fact: Congressional representation is based on populations from the census. These populations include all persons, not just US citizens.

Excerpt from the 14th amendment:

"Representatives shall be apportioned among the several States according to their respective numbers, counting the whole number of persons in each State, excluding Indians not taxed. But when the right to vote at any election for the choice of electors for President and Vice-President of the United States, Representatives in Congress, the Executive and Judicial officers of a State, or the members of the Legislature thereof, is denied to any of the male inhabitants of such State, being twenty-one years of age, and citizens of the United States, or in any way abridged, except for participation in rebellion, or other crime, the basis of representation therein shall be reduced in the proportion which the number of such male citizens shall bear to the whole number of male citizens twenty-one years of age in such State."

Can someone please explain to me how it makes sense that illegals...excuse me, non-citizens...should get representation WHEN THEY CAN'T VOTE FOR THEM!

Apparently they weren't worried about the impact of illegal, non-citizens back in 1868 when this amendment was drafted. It's obvious they made a distinction between the population at large and the population of citizens, but why? I guess what I'm most shocked at is the fact that this has an impact on several states including California, New York, Arizona and Texas (all having more representatives because of non-citizens) and the less obvious upper mid-west states that are losing out on representatives. And of course this issue then carries over to the ever-flawed electoral college.

There are over a million illegals entering the country annually. The real problem...yes, it is a problem...is only going to get worse. Thankfully there are some in Congress trying to take action. So take a minute and get familiar with the issue, and then contact your representative and let them know how you feel. Of course if you live in California, New York, Texas or Arizona you might also want to send a note to Barry Bonds suggesting he take himself off the hall of fame ballot in a few years, it'll get about as much traction. Here's a link to some information.

Now if I find out you didn't bother getting involved, I guess I'll have to start buying houses in your sub-division and renting them out to some illegals. Next thing you'll know you'll have a Molson swilling, hockey fan living next to you singing Celine Dion tunes in his outdoor shower while you're trying to have a patio party.

It's aboot freedom, it's aboot democracy, it's aboot proper representation.

Jon Stewart is Funny; Most of Hollywood is Not

This is a great recap of what Stewart did at the Oscars last night. I only saw the end, so most of the funny things referred to in this article I missed, but man, do I wish I'd seen them.

The Scientology crack was beautiful, and the comments about piracy were sarcasm at it's best. The fact that no one in the academy thought they were funny just highlights the fact that they are disconnected from the real world or just too afraid to laugh at themselves or their peers. Shame on all of you. Must be you'll only accept a national icon (Carson) or one of your own (Crystal).

Honestly, I'm glad I didn't sit through all the dribble.

PS Hollywood, I still hate you.

Vanity Plates: Have We Gone Too Far?

I'll throw this out there right up front. I'm not a fan of vanity plates. There was the great "Assman" episode of Seinfeld that proved that vanity plates can be dangerous, but short of a good chuckle they pretty much annoy me. I don't need to know that you're a doctor. I can tell that by your driving. And I don't need to know you're a Bills fan. I can that tell by your driving. And the latest one I've seen, I don't care that you're a NASCAR fan. I can tell by the slack jaw and protruding forehead. (At least that's how I used to tell.)

On my way to work today we see a nice late model Jetta. Excellent shape...very clean. And then my eyes are drawn to the license plate.

DALEJUNR.

I laugh to myself. Damn, another stupid NASCAR fan. Spending money on a vanity plate to show their allegiance to Dale jr. Then I thought, "Wow, that means that DALEJR was already taken." If you can't get the "cool" version of the plate you're better off just going with something else like 1DUMB R3DN3CK.

My next thought was, "Oh my....shouldn't that plate be on a '89 Monte Carlo SS?" The growing population of hardcore NASCAR fans is really a bit alarming. It's not just your normal overall wearin', Budweiser swillin' crew. There is a newer, more refined fan. And that scares the hell out of me.

Case in point, the Jetta was driven by a well dressed late-20 something female, probably on her way to work at a bank. I am afraid.....very afraid. They could be right next to me and I won't even know it.

Saddam Trial: Shocking Turn of Events

Most people who've followed the Saddam trial assumed it couldn't get any more weird. Lucky for us, they were wrong.

In statements made today Saddam claims that this was just a big misunderstanding. This misunderstanding stems from the fact that he is, in fact, an alien named Sybok from a distant planet called Vulcan. And what's more, he has time traveled from the future in an effort to find himself. "You see, my people have suppressed their emotions for many thousands of years, but there are those who believe this is a mistake. I came to late 20th-century earth to explore my emotions, this lead to that and the next thing I knew I was running a country with an iron fist....what better way to understand myself than as a sadistic dictator?"

Indeed. When asked about why he just doesn't return to his own time and place to avoid the trail and inevitable execution his only response was, "I've polluted the timeline enough...I can speak no further on the subject of time travel. But I'll tell you this, if a Bush descendant had been running things when Vulcans landed on earth there's no way Vulcan would have joined the Federation....ooops. Forget I just said that. Down with Bush!"

Now I'm no temporal expert, but I had to ask, "But Saddam, let's assume for a minute that your claims are true, aren't you polluting the timeline even more by bringing all this out?"

"Excellent point. But that is in fact my goal. If temporal authorities are monitoring the past they will see this as a ripple in the timeline and be forced to take action and return me to my own time, thus restoring the integrity of the timeline."

I thought I was following, but again my string theory is a little rusty. "Wouldn't that only create a new divergent timeline leaving this one corrupted forever?"

"Who are you to question me you American pig-dog. I seek Sha Ka Ree. And no backwater 20th-century earth civilization is going to find me guilty of being anything other than a high life form. No more questions."

In his written statement Saddam made reference to several trips through time, all in an attempt to find the fabled Sha Ka Ree. In addition to this shocking announcement, Saddam also signed Rick Berman to write the teleplay for his made-for-TV movie. "I just wish I'd thought of this, it's brilliant. You can never have too many time travel stories.", said Berman from his mountain retreat, where he and life partner Brannon Braga were plotting the destruction of another quality Hollywood franchise over bagels and mimosas.

So you decide, crazed ex-dictator using the Chewbacca defense:



Or time-traveling, emotionally-challenged Vulcan just trying to get home:



You make the call.

Superbowl Recap

Here are my random thoughts on the event yesterday:

• Thank God those lame Seahawks didn't win
• What was with the love handles on Mick's arms?
• I think Madden was using, when is the last time he was that invisible
• Ben, great vision and improv on that deep ball...but the throw still sucked
• What the hell happened to the commercials; this was without a doubt the worst collection of SB commercials in years
• Didn't Seattle have an MVP on their roster?
• Hey Holmgren; I'll be teaching a seminar to high school coaches this summer in clock management, I'll send you an invite
• Does anyone else think Roethlisberger plays like the love child of Bradshaw and Stewart
• Just when you thought the Seahawk receivers had figured out how to catch the ball Jeremy Stevens proves us wrong
• It could have been a lot worse...we could have suffered through a Superbowl with Payton Manning. At least Big Ben knows how to improvise.

I didn't watch all of the post-game show, but I bet the Roethlisberger speech went something like this:

"Wow, this is great....almost as great as having a fathead from fathead.com. I mean it's the trophy. It's like all silver and stuff. Oh, I'd like to thank the organization, my parents, all the people that buy the stuff I do commercials for, and last but not least, I'd like to thank the defense for not putting me in a position where I'd have to win the game. That was really cool. Oh yeah, and thanks to Antwaan for throwing that TD. Made things a lot easier on me. Buy a fathead! Peace out."

Strange Gift

I had someone drop a package off at my desk today. It was a largish triangular tube. It was odd because I wasn't expecting anything. The shipping label said it was from some guy named Chris Harris in Florida. I don't know a Chris Harris.

So I opened the package and in amongst the packing peanuts is an umbrella. A full-sized umbrella. It's blue and white with a logo for Harper , VanScoik and Company LLP. They are CPAs and business advisors operating in Florida. I'm happy for them, they must be making a lot of money if they can randomly send out umbrellas to people they don't know. Having rarely received an unexpected shipment at work, and having never received an umbrella as a gift I have to say I'm a little unnerved.

Not like Halloween unnerved, more like I Know What You Did Last Summer unnerved. Now I get the umbrella metaphor for the CPAs, but why the hell are they sending it to me. It creeps me out. What am I going to get next? A body bag from some unknown car dealer? Wait, I guess that's not really a metaphor, it's more like a warning.

Here's my warning: Beware companies you don't know giving you things you won't use. Ah, the power of poorly planned and improperly executed marketing strategies. Makes me proud to be a capitalist. Anyone need an umbrella?

More Proof of the White-Trash Gene

It's only a matter of time until scientists isolate the gene that compels people to live in double-wides, put their muscle cars on blocks for years at a time, and perform seemingly senseless acts of bad parenting.

Just another example. Apparently their trunk was full of Old Milwaukee empties or they could have brought the kids along. Jerry must be so proud.

"I didn't think I'd be gone that long...", hey you dumb skank those are your children.

Must run for office. Must get mandatory sterilization bill passed. Must control Fist of Death.

Hide Your Sausage Canada!

This fat bastard just doesn't get it does he? Hey Mike, not only does Canada not care about your thoughts on their politics, even the reporter mocks you (note the use of the terms complained, moaned, and rotund liberal media jockey. Read between the lines for the last one.) I contacted the author and got the original copy from him prior to his liberal copy editor getting a hold of it. Here it is in it's entirety.

==========================

Controversial, and largely unmissable, American documentary filmmaker Michael Moore bemoaned an apparent right turn by liberal northern neighbor Canada in its upcoming general election. Realizing that, through no fault of his waistline, he had lost visibility in the US, Moore jumped right into the interesting world of Canadian politics.

"Oh, Canada -- you're not really going to elect a Conservative majority on Monday, are you? That's a joke, right? I know you have a great sense of humor, ... but this is no longer funny," Moore complained in a commentary on his website. Interestingly, this last part was the general sense people had exiting his latest "documentary."

"First, you have the courage to stand against the war in Iraq -- and then you elect a prime minister who's for it. You declare gay people have equal rights -- and then you elect a man who says they don't," Moore moaned.

Conservatives led by Stephen Harper were ahead of Prime Minister Paul Martin's Liberals by a comfortable 10 to 12 points, polls showed Saturday, two days before Canadians go to the polls.
In "Bowling for Columbine," his documentary on gun violence in the United States, Moore heads north to Canada to flee the rise of conservatism on US soil. Once there he realized that, despite some socialist tendencies, you still have to pay for food in Canada.

"A man running the nation to the south of you is hoping you can lend him a hand by picking Stephen Harper, because he's a man who shares his world view. Do you want to help George Bush by turning Canada into his latest conquest?" Moore asked.

"Far be it from me, as an American, to suggest what you should do," he added. "I hope you don't feel this appeal of mine is too intrusive, but I just couldn't sit by, as your friend, and say nothing." It is interesting that Mr. Moore refers to Canada as his friend, given that most Hollywood insiders currently believe Moore is sleeping with Greenland, an on-again, off-again love interest of Canada.

When asked about Moore's comments and current companion, Canada simply stated, "That hoser should keep his Molson muscle on his side of the border, Eh? Next thing you know that shit disturber will be drinkin' my forty pounder and puttin' Timmie Ho's out of business. He should just go back to Hollywood and make puppies. As for my Greenie, she's just a dumb puck, I'll find a new one. Go Habs!"*

Hide your sausage Canada, hide it right in Michael Moores ear.

*Canadian translations can be found here

Ah....Government

I'm pretty sure that no one ever gets a warm fuzzy feeling when they hear that word, unless you're a hardcore freak liberal (a.k.a. the anti-Pat Buchanans) or if you just pissed yourself at the sound of the word.

As ass-backwards as corporate America is, they can't hold the federal government's jock, as proven by this beauty.

Top Ten Sports Management Blunders

Well, it was a rough weekend for the NFL. Three of their most compelling (read here marketable) franchises the Patriots, Colts, and Bears all got bounced out of the playoffs. Now the mostly likely Superbowl matchup facing the league is Denver and Seattle. Which, by the way, is the matchup predicted by Uncle Jimbo prior to the playoffs.

I'll be honest, as a Pats fan it was hard to see them lose, but they made a good run with a lot of guys missing time. And they have three rings (I'll go on record here, saying that that's three more than Peyton Manning will ever have). I'm satisfied. My guess is that Colts fan isn't. Boy do they know how to blow the big game or what. Last year it was "We didn't have home field advantage." This year they get to blame it on a kicker. Much like Bills fan who would still beat down Scott Norwood in the Wegmans parking lot, Colts fan will latch onto the 46 yarder that sliced more than a tee-shot from John Daly on a five-day bender. So what's that make Vanderjerk, the "most accurate kicker in NFL history," in pressure kicks? 0 for 1? Let's see, home field, check. 6th seed opponent, check. Playing for coach who lost his son, check. Best (sic) QB in the league, check. Ass-kicked like the bunch of marginally talented players they are, CHECK. Boy, didn't see that one coming.

But that's not why they lost that game. They weren't even in the game. Manning was doing his best impression of Tony Eason collapsing under the pressure, in fact I think he even got a date out of one of those sacks. The offensive line was as confused as Michael Moore with an empty plate at Old Country Buffet and the defense was, well, they were the Indy defense.

What? You think they were in the game? You say they tried a field goal at the end to tie the game. Well, "officially" they were in the game. But, and here is where I go on my rant, the officiating in this game as with all the games this weekend was a nothing short of a steaming pile. There were missed called. Bad calls that needed to go to replay. Good calls that were overturned by replay. Crap was called and not called that made me jump up and scream at the TV when I had no vested interest in the actual outcome of the game.

Let's see, there was the phantom pass interference on Asante Samuel when he was the one getting pushed. The overturned interception by Troy Polamalu. The "touchdown" by Thomas Jones who fumbled the ball at about the 3. The five or six deep-ball pass interference plays where it was appears the officials had their hands in their pants. And the list goes on...

Note to the NFL, when you get serious about officiating and stop leaving the outcome of games in a multi-BILLION dollar business to a bunch of part-time hacks I'll anoint you the official sport of the Universe. Until then you have a flawed product. It goes on Uncle Jimbo's list of top Ten Sports Management Blunders.

Top Ten Sports Management Blunders
10. Letting Mike Tyson in a ring with anyone other than O.J.
9. Lifting the George Steinbrenner suspension
8. Paying NBA players more money than they could make selling crack
7. Paying marginal pitchers like Kyle Farnsworth $2 million a year
6. Not taking care of the steroids issue earlier, and leaving Barry "stick me in the ass" Bonds and all his universal soldier buddies in MLB record books
5. NBA allowing the drafting of high school players
4. The BCS
3. The NHL lockout (NHL...yeah, you know National Hockey League....yeah, the one with the puck)
2. Part-time NFL officials
1. Managing baseball player salaries like fortune 500 CEO salaries

What are we talking about?

Practice?

This goes back a ways, but in my mind this still goes down as one of the greatest sports sound bites of all time! What a completely illiterate dumb ass. What are we talking about? We're talking about being overpaid....We're not talking about a real job here...earning a real honest living...we're talking about a primadonna. It's not like he's a doctor or something....we're talking about an NBA player here. An NBA player. I mean I get it, I understand.....I really do....they've got is rough....but we're talking about a whiny little, snot-nosed, bastard baby makin', tattooed freak who gets paid millions. THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

A Special Message

Just a special little message to all you people, in everywalk of life, who don't have a clue and wouldn't know where to buy one if you could.

..!..

Johnny Knoxville Rocks

Well, I haven't seen the Ringer yet, but I'm going to enjoy it. I was talking with some friends over the holiday and told them that the story of cheaters in the special olympics isn't original. That in fact a French basketball team did it a few years ago. Here's the article, only I had a couple of details wrong, it wasn't the Special Olympics, it was the Paralympics and it wasn't the French it was the Spanish. But hey, the French probably thought of it first they just didn't have enough balls to try to pull it off.

The Shame In Spain

Sick or Funny: You Make the Call!

We're going to play a new game I'm calling it Sick or Funny. I'll give you a story or clip, and you let me know if you think it's sick and disturbed or really funny.

Here we go.

Sick or Funny?


My vote: Very Funny.

The Man Purse

Can someone explain these things to me? It doesn't escape me that men have a lot of crap they want to take with them, cell phones, wallets, etc. but there are right ways and wrong ways to handle it. One wrong way is the man purse. Sure it's got lots of room for your "man things", but look at yourself. Seriously, stop and look at yourself in the mirror. I saw this questionably straight guy in the customer service line at Best Buy the other day. He had this sack that wasn't just hanging from his shoulder, but it was slung across his chest, let's call it the French Bandalero look. Now this guy may have liked the fashion statement, and anyone using one as an accessory...you keep right on using it, I'm not talking to you.

My advice to every other guy is this: think about getting one of these, either A) a coat with big pockets, or B) a backpack. In either case your going to get something that can hold all your stuff and you'll look far less like you have gender confusion than if you haul around a purse.

There are limits on being practical, and this is one of them.

The New, Improved Uncle Jimbo

It's rare that I feel compelled to change the way I live my life, especially just because everyone else is making a resolution to improve themselves. But Uncle Jimbo has been doing some soul searching and figured it might be a good idea to try to become a softer, gentler Uncle Jimbo. My son is getting to the age where he absorbs everything I do. During Christmas with my family my neice, who is notorious for using questionable language, dropped a couple of warning shots across my sons bow. That was enough for me to warn her that he listens to everything and copies everything. To which my son started shouting, “copy, copy, copy….” The last thing I need is to have him see the jaded, pessimistic side of his father. So this year I resolved to improve my attitude towards others. People I know and people I don’t.

That lasted all of about 56 hours. My wife and I were grabbing some quick lunch at the grocery store and proceeded to the Express Checkout (7 items or less). The woman in front of us put a couple of things on the belt, so I put our food down, it moved towards the cashier. Then she pulled a couple of more things out of a now visible mini-cart and placed them right next to our food, so grabbed our food and pulled it back towards us. She continued to pull an item at a time out of the cart and put it on the belt so that the belt continually ran and I had to hold our stuff at the end of the belt. Three, four…..five, six…..seven, eight. Yeah great, another knuckle dragger that can’t read a simple sign. Nine, ten…..eleven, twelve….the items kept coming. Thirteen, fourteen….are you kidding me? HELLO, express lane.

It was at that moment I broke my resolution, I turned to my wife and said loud enough for many to hear, “Apparently, someone doesn’t know how to count.” Was it necessary, probably not. But it sure did feel good. I bit my tongue at that point and resisted the urge to continue to express myself. So the cashier finished scanning the 23rd item and declares, “The total is $42.90.”

At which point the woman just stands there, staring. Like Michael Moore at the all-you-can-eat buffet when the hotdog tray is empty. “How would you like to pay for that?” says the cashier. “Cash” is the simple response. Still standing, still staring. “The total is $42.90.” At which point the woman reaches into her wallet and extracts 3 one dollar bills. “$42.90,” the cashier clarifies. The woman reaches into an envelope and pulls out two twenties. She finally moves on. Later we watch her completely rearrange what bags each of the items were in.

But here is my dilemma, should I be more pissed at the dumb-ass old woman who doesn’t understand the basic principles of the Express Lane, or the cashier who, seeing this woman and her cart loaded down with 23 items coming into her lane, failed to wave the woman off and explain to her in kind and very small words that she needs to find a non-Express Lane for checkout. Or should I just blame myself for somehow always finding the slowest of all Express Lanes. It must be karma.

It was then that I realized why most people can’t keep their resolutions. They set the bar too high. I was trying to be nicer to everyone. So I modified my resolution so that only a single person will be the benefactor of my improved attitude. If it works out, I’ll try adding another person next year. But I don’t want to get ahead of myself. That’s what got me into trouble the first time around.