Ron Mexico: Pot Monster

In what continues to be a huge head scratcher for me Ron Mexico, a.k.a. Mike Vick, tested positive for pot while in the middle of a federal trial. According to a third party, after finding God immediately after his indictment, and despite God's best effort, Vick has repeatedly failed to return any of God's calls. Very interesting given a recent phone interview between Uncle Jimbo and Mr. Vick immediately after the news broke of his positive test. An excerpt is below:

UJ: "Ron, is it ok if I can you Ron?"
MV: "Um...well...I'd prefer Michael."
UJ: "Okay, Mike. Mike tell me why, given all the attention on you regarding the federal trial, the GA state charges and everything else, would you smoke pot. Other than the obvious reason that your a stoner?"
MV: "Well, you see...I didn't smoke it man. I don't know how I tested positive."
UJ: "Interesting. Any brownies? Bottled water? Too much time playing Madden 08 @ Ricky's house? Positive tests from second hand smoke is probably a real pisser huh? Oops sorry for the pun."
MV: "Hey, I haven't been to Ricky's house in like....a couple weeks. Okay, okay. So I smoked a little."
UJ: "Really?! Just a little you hemp herbivore?"
MV: "Okay, more than a little, like..maybe....."
UJ: "Compare it to the number of times you've THROWN a touch down pass in the NFL."
MV: "Oh hell man, shit, a lot more than that. But that's not my fault man, I can't help it, I've got a weakness and my wide receivers suck."
UJ: "Actually you probably can't call them 'your' wide receivers anymore can you?"
MV: "Aw screw you man, I don't have to take this crap."
UJ: "You're right Mike, you don't have to take this from me. But you are going to have to take it from Big Carl when you get to federal-pound-me-in-the-ass prison. Good luck with that."
MV (nervously): "God...yeah, God will protect me and...um...give me strength, yeah."
UJ: "Really, how's your relationship with God going these days. Are you two pretty tight?"
MV: "We okay. We doing okay."
UJ: "Sure, I bet God loves to have three way conversations with you and Mary Jane. I bet that's in his top ten list of favorite activities. #7, Have long meaningful conversations with Mike Vick while he smokes his bong."
MV: "You know what smart ass...I'll tell you what, or what!"
UJ: "Huh?"
MV: "You want to know something about God? (whispering) He....yeah, he himself told me....he told me to smoke the weed."
UJ: "You know what Mike, even if you whisper, he can still hear you."
MV: "#%@ you, he can not."
UJ: "No, seriously Mike. He can hear it all."
MV: "Scratch that last part then man...(crying) I can't help it.....I just love the chronic. (sobbing) Seriously, can you get me Onterrio Smith's number, I need to get my hands on one of those Whizzinators."
UJ: "Mike, whose urine are you going to use?"
MV: "Your-who, what?"
UJ: "Urine. who's urine?"
MV: "Huh?"
UJ: "Never mind, I'll find the number for you."

OH MY GOD, THE PATRIOTS CHEATED!!!

The following are my random thoughts on the Patriots video taping incident (I refuse to call it Patriot Video Games, Videogate, or any other retarded play on words). From the School of Best Grip Mike's Infantile Film Naming, let's call it 30 Frames Per Second Per Fat Guy With Greasy Fingers Acting Like Moe From The Three Stooges.

Given:
1) Uncle Jimbo is a Pats fan. I have been a Pats fan for a very long time.
2) There is a rule against video taping on the sideline.
3) The Patriots video taped on the sideline.
4.) As a Patriots fan, and a football fan, I believe the Patriots and Belichick deserved to be reprimanded.
5.) The Patriots and Belichick were reprimanded.

Thoughts to consider:
1.) We're not talking about spiking the other teams Gatorade, deflating the ball, or kidnapping their best player the night before the game. No one went Gillooly on Chad Pennington, he can handle that all by himself. nothing new here folks, expect the video camera. How that makes this more "offensive" (parden the pun) I just don't understand.

2.) We are talking about using technology to collect information that any one of 80,000 people at an NFL game could acquire. It's a public activity, all the Patriots did was bypass the binoculars and notepad. Did it break the rules? Yes. Should everyone outside Boston be burning hoodies in effigy, I think not.

3.) Like the democrats and health care, the NFL chose to legislate behavior rather than fix the problem. The NFL competition committee voted down a proposal to provide radio communications between defensive coaches and the defensive players on the field. The vote was 22-10, 24 votes were required to pass. The specifics of the proposal may be flawed, but the spirit of the proposal makes a lot of sense. And I can guarantee you that this proposal will pass next year.

4.) Patriot hating, like Cowboy hating before that, and 49er hating before that, had already started. Success breeds contempt. If you're in the camp of getting all worked up over this, ask yourself this: If Herm Edwards and the Chiefs, or Romeo Crennel and the Browns had done this would it still be a big deal to you?

5.) Spying....er....scouting has been a part of the game since it began. And spying....er...scouting has taken many forms. Some of them may have broken written rules, and even more may have broken some unwritten code of ethics and fair play. The fact is, it's part of the game. In my opinion, the video tape rule is flawed in it's fundamental attempt to regulate something, that is most likely beyond regulation. For every rule you write, there are dozens of loop holes that coaches and team will take advantage of.

6.) Plays, playbooks, signals will constantly be under attack. I say, secure the lines of communication and stop wasting time trying to regulate it. If I were Belichick, I'd put an ad in the paper for an autistic, K-mart underwear wearing, card-counting scout with photographic memory. And then wait for the call from the rules committee.

7.) This will not bring about the fall of the marketing machine known as the NFL as this numb-nuts suggests. However, what might bring down the NFL is all this sissified, "oh, they're cheating", he-said/she-said (my apologies for the Terry Glenn reference) finger pointing. How about we focus on what makes this sport great. Large men lining up, knocking the crap out of each other all while trying to get a funny shaped ball into the end zone.

It was so much simpler when you hated a team because of the color of their uniforms (cough....Dolphins), or because their quarterback was an egotistical rookie who looked like Mr. Ed (cough....Broncos).

Oh Look, A Soap Box

I am a man of few vices: cards, video games, and NFL football. It's tough for me, as a man who despises the emphasis this country puts on celebrity, to start spouting off about the problems with the NFL. It is after, just football. But, I'm going to do it anyway because I can, and because it's stupid.

It took me watching all of 5 games over the weekend to find the glaring example of how a multi-billion dollar organization is sticking it to it's fan base. Yes, I've been on this soap box before, but for whatever reason it I just can let it go. And the NFL just ignores it. Sort of like the rain at the Superbowl last year. (Rain? What rain? It didn't ran at the Superbowl. How could it possibly rain at the Superbowl.)

If you haven't guessed already, it's the officiating. Did anyone see the end of the Ravens/Bengals game Monday night? The Ravens got "jobbed" by some part-time zebra who thought that offensive pass interference was when the offensive players jersey wouldn't let go of the defenders hand. Yes, that's right. Not only did Todd Heap not push off to catch the game tying touchdown, but he was being held (and interfered with) by the defensive player. Yet he drew the flag, was called for interference and the TD was taken off the board. The Ravens ended up not being able to put it in the end zone again, and lost by a touchdown. Can anyone say...(cough)..."I'll take the under for $10,000."

Here is an example of a team that was robbed of a chance to win a game against a division opponent on the road. When is the NFL going to get serious about officials and hire full-time people. There is no way these part-timers are investing the time necessary to prepare for games week in and week out. They are too busy saving the lives of coke-addicted starlets and defending hip-hop rap "gangsta's" from gun possession charges.

What's it going to take before someone realizes that big business requires big commitment. Are we going to have to wait until some whacked out Ravens fans stalks down the back judge and shanks him while he's collecting from his bookie?

Full-time officials. Off-season training and work programs. During the week preparation. Is it really that hard? If you're not going to fix it, then at least open these "judgment call" decision up to instant replay. No replay official in the world would have called that offensive pass interference.

Hell NFL, why not just off-shore it or hire some of that "illegal" labor that's so popular in the states. It wouldn't be any worse than the travesty that is NFL officiating.