Uncle Jimbo Surrenders

After 13 hours on a plane last week, and countless run-ins with people needing to be vacuumed out of the gene pool, I simply must surrender. I'm just trying to find the addresses of the people I need to headbutt.

Here is, in no particular order, the people I am surrendering to:

1. The guy who thought taking 100 teenager Brazilians on a tour of the US would be good for them.

Note to this guy: Americans don't like smelly foreigners. Don't get me wrong I'm sure I stink of onion rings and root beer. But it's American stink on American soil. Leave your stink at home. We don't like foreigners or teenagers which basically means your kids are going to see the worst American hospitality has to offer.

2. The guy who wrote the computer software that drives seating assignments on airplanes.

Note to this guy: I'll find you, and I will kick you in the junk. Hard. I never get the well groomed, evenly tempered, professional next to me. It's like spinning the Wheel of Fortune and always landing on "Worst Travel Companion Possible."

3. The 14-year-old Brazilian that I had the displeasure of sitting next to for 8 hours on a classic, cramped 737.

Note to this kid: You reek six days to Carnival. Now it may have been caused by the fever and the wet hacking cough, but my guess is you stink regardless of your current health. As for the gaseous emanations, I can't believe the sweet little stinker next to you didn't get up and leave. I would have but I was trapped against the window. Thank God for the new book I had. The smell of new paper and ink was the only thing that saved me. If I could have moved enough to reach your carry-on bag I would have left you a nice steaming present for your hotel room in NYC. Tit for tit, or so Dwight Schrute says. Oh, and learn the language. Don't travel to a country where you can't speak with the natives. Why do you think I don't go to France....ok, there's a bunch of reasons for that but me not speaking the language is one of the considerate ones.

4. The flight attendants who decided it would be better to disappear than to show up for work.

Note to attendants: Next time you score a couple of big clients after your pole routine, just drop the airline a quick call to let them know you won't be able to make the flight. That way the rest of us can get home on time.

5. The verbose captain from flight 7734.

Note to pilot: STFU. After 5 hours of delays and corresponding explanations in excruciating detail we had enough. Just announce the delay and shut off the mike. In the old days, I would have pulled out my Swiss army knife, stormed the cockpit and done unspeakable things to you and your flight crew. Now I'm stuck sitting in 22A dizzy from the fumes, knowing full well that your getting-off on being paid for sitting on the ground.

6. Finally, I must find the mute and his retarded wife.

Note to mute and retard wife: Next time you want to sit down, try ASKING! Standing, staring, and pointing with your cane won't get you very far. A few guttural tones resembling words might get you a smile and the seat of your choice. As for the window seats at the terminal, yes, they are nice. But only when left uninterrupted by chatty rednecks and their mute common-law husbands.

Official terms of surrender for my current land holdings in the gene pool forthcoming.

Age-old French Tradition Is Changing

In a shocking turn of events, and in a show of support for French soccer star Zinedine Zidane, the French people selected the head-butt as their new official form of surrender in their annual popular vote. This marks the first time since the popular vote was introduced in 1947 that the white flag will not be a part of the standard surrender process for French citizens.

"It was obvious, I think, to everyone that Zidane had given up in the second overtime. For him the writing was on the locker-room wall, it just wasn't worth fighting the fight anymore. The cold shower and consolation champagne must have seemed much more appealing." said French Interior Minister Nicolas Sarkozy. "It's possible this is a one-year change, but I'd be surprised if the white flag comes back anytime soon." Other than the "Yankerchief" year of 1979, and 1994*, this is the first time that the traditional waving or displaying a white flag is not the preferred method of surrender.

The Geneva Convention stipulates specifically that the white flag will be used as a sign of surrender or cease-fire. As such the France will continue to honor the traditional method, while lobbying the larger EU community to raise awareness for their new, unique method. German Chancellor Angela Merkel received a personal phone call from French Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin to announce the change. "We just wanted to make sure there wouldn't be any confusion between our two countries." Villepin said in a follow-on statement.

We'll have to wait until next year to see if the head-butt catches on, or if it's just another sign of World Cup mania.

* In 1994, an embarrassing situation arose when it was discovered that the winning method of surrender, stuffing a white flag in your mouth, was in fact both nominated and seconded not by citizens of France, but by two English born university students on summer break in the riviera.

A Broken Moral Compass?

Sometimes I read a quote and simply think, "Damn...that dude is just plain dumb." And then I think, "No wait, that guy probably has a publicists, and that guy is really dumb."

How can an oil company executive get away with a quote like this? Let me get this straight, you the "oil man" are telling us what's morally correct. You've got the compass and we should be following you? Is that what your saying? So it's better to continue to do what we've been doing and "look to the future of wood chip powered Beamers" than to take some baby steps towards eliminating our dependence on oil. I know, in your morally accurate way, you couldn't possibly want to go on drilling our environment like a 12-hour date with Paris Hilton. Or continuing the clean, efficient, and safe methods of extracting, transporting, and refining crude oil. (Sarcasm mode off).

Hey oil man, let's be honest. Your job is to sell oil and oil-based products. There really isn't much room in that position for morality. You know it. I know it. All non-NASCAR fans know it. My job on the other hand is to abuse dumbasses like you and, as a consumer, spend my money where I see fit which, shockingly, won't be with Shell.

Oh by the way, I think most of the crops that are used (or being discussed) for E85 are already used for other non-(human)-food purposes. You know, like feed corn. I'm guessing we're not going to feed the world's hungry with brown sugar and molasses. You might want to get a new corporate spin doctor, you ignorant buffoon.