Another Injury-free Memorial Day

My family and I moved into a new home in November and Memorial Day was our first big outdoor party at the new place. We had lots of friends and family over for great day of outdoor fun. It was nice to see the yard full of children, running, playing and not getting hurt. For which, given some of the hazards of Memorial Day, I have to give thanks.

Hot grills, brick patios, ponds, scooters, wiffle balls (hey, they can hurt), fingers, fists, and other body part; so many hazards. But interestingly none of these have ever been banned for sale. The same can't be said of a wonderful little game I grew up playing called Jarts (or Lawn Darts, etc.) This fun and exciting game was pulled from the market by the Consumer Product Safety Commission in 1988 (you can't even buy them on eBay anymore. They're a restricted item). Interestingly, there are those that also say it is illegal to play the game of Jarts, but some are blatantly thumbing there noses at the CPSC.

There were a number of games played yesterday in our back yard and not a single fatality, puncture wound, or spilled beverage. How is that possible you ask? When a game as insidiously evil and dangerous as Jarts is played with a yard full of innocent children. Simple, plain-old common sense. Let's not put the rings around our kids. Let's not throw the Jarts over the house. Just play the game, and do it somewhat soberly. And when you're done, put them somewhere safe so that the kids don't get them out and start throwing them at each other. Be a responsible Jarts player (and parent).

But it won't be long until all the fins are nicked and cut so much they won't fly straight, and the rings will have so many holes they won't be circular. And when that time comes, and we can't buy replacements, what will be the preferred adult game on Memorial Day? If you say that silly Toss-Across knock-off, bean bag throwing, redneck party game, I will throw a Jart at you.

No, the answer is Jarts. And here is what I propose. The government needs to stop banning things like this and start making money on them. Take Personal Water Craft for example. New York State considered banning the JetSki and other PWCs due to accidents, reckless behavior, and complaints. Instead New York moved to a mandatory licensing program to ensure that PWC users exhibited some basic level of knowledge in the use of these vehicles and how to safely navigate our waterways.

I say we do the same thing with Jarts. Anyone who wants to play can attend an 6 hour class (with breaks and lunch let's call it a full Saturday) and get certified in the safe and proper setup, play, and storage of Jarts. It should also probably cover the basics of the game, scoring, and other Jarts related topics. The class must use instructional videos showing the dangers of Jarts when the "Rules of the Lawn" are not obeyed. Nothing will make you a safer Jarts player than showing someone taking a Jart to the eye.

This approach would also help keep our politicians busy when they're not in committee hearing about performance enhancing drugs and the professional athletes who don't take them [cough]Barry Bonds[cough]. Under this new program our politicians can start legislating things such as safe blood(y)-alcohol levels and minimum ages for those who play Jarts.

So please, write your local congressman. And while you're waiting for the new laws to take effect: get a blow torch and some rebar, make some shafts; have your kids use the school injection mold to make some fins; buy a bunch glow-in-the-dark bracelets and string them together for rings; Play Jarts 24/7 until:

A. The new laws are enacted
B. You're arrested, or
C. The NHL actually plays a real, meaningful game

(whichever comes first).

Um...Really: Marketing

Welcome to my first installment of Um....Really, dedicated to Patrick, a friend who always gets a kick out of me saying, "Um...Really," before I launch into one of my diatribes.

This installment is all about marketing; more specifically bad marketing and bad products. Let's take a look at today's lesson (Thanks Lance). Go ahead, finish laughing. Let's put the silliness of the product aside for a minute, and let's step into the shoes of the marketing person who got "stuck" with this product. Once you get past the initial shock and awe of being told what the company is going to do with a tried and tested product and that you are going to have to develop the campaign for it, your first thought, "What's my market?" I can't think of too many.

Your second thought? How are we going to name this thing? I mean, we've got to get Mint in the title right, so when we come out with different flavors we're good to go. [Editor: The remaining discussion regarding the name has been removed. I'm just not comfortable talking about condoms that can make you tingle by themselves.]

So now we've got to develop the packaging. Let's use an actual picture of a mint leaf. There's no chance any botanically-challenged customers might mistake it for poison ivy. And then comes....ah, the ad. Please explain to me Mr. Trojan Marketing Man, how does a "Bright, Vivid Color" enhance the experience? Electronically tested? What, does this condom also play MP3s? Let's go with the old fashioned mechanical testing please. Give it a stretch, if it doesn't break we'll call it a day.

I haven't laughed this hard over a product in quite a while. But it's still only #4 on the list of Disastrous Projects for Marketing Professionals. Topping that list is none other than the wonderfully nauseating Potted Meat Food Product. Found in your local supermarket, sitting on the shelf next to Spam and other marginally edible meat by-products this special little number can make most people run for a refreshing glass of water after seeing the can.

To truly appreciate the dilemma facing our trusty Armour or Hormel junior marketing executive we only need to turn the can and read the ingredients:

"INGREDIENTS: Chicken, Beef Tripe, Partially Defatted Cooked Pork Fatty Tissue, Beef Hearts, Partially Defatted Cooked Beef Fatty Tissue, Water, Salt", etc.

If you couldn't get past the third ingredient you are not alone. You know these marketing guys scoured the FDA regulations to determine what language they could and couldn't use. No one in their right mind would put the word "tissue" on a food product unless a law forced them. "Food Product," that's the other good one. What is it about this stuff that requires them to call it a Food Product. Not "Potted Meat." Not "Potted Meat Food." It's got to be labeled a Food Product. My guess is a certain percentage of cartilage. But I'm no expert.

My only recommendation, despite the best efforts of their respective marketing professionals, try to avoid these two products. And please, please, don't even think about using them together.

Regardless of the product, spread the word.

An Historic Moment

Let me take a minute to contemplate my actions. I'm about to make....scratch that...I am making my first Blog post ever. Funny, I don't see any media. I haven't heard the trumpets sound or the screeching of a delicacy ape. This must be what Rick Berman will feel like when he introduces the next Star Trek franchise fiasco. Ah, but I'll leave Berman bashing for another post.

This could be the beginning of a long and fulfilling outpouring of thoughts and feelings. Or I might get bored with it next week when I get a new gadget. The best part is, nobody is going to care either way and I'm okay with that.

So, enjoy the holiday weekend. Eat burgers and dogs, pasta salad and deviled eggs, and drink to the wonder that is our country, and the memory of those that have provided it to us.

And, if you haven't already fallen asleep, check back sometime. Who knows what I'll be rambling about next. And for the love of God, do not go see Star Wars again. Trust me it didn't get better and Lucas doesn't need any more money.

-Uncle Jimbo