Um...Really: Marketing

Welcome to my first installment of Um....Really, dedicated to Patrick, a friend who always gets a kick out of me saying, "Um...Really," before I launch into one of my diatribes.

This installment is all about marketing; more specifically bad marketing and bad products. Let's take a look at today's lesson (Thanks Lance). Go ahead, finish laughing. Let's put the silliness of the product aside for a minute, and let's step into the shoes of the marketing person who got "stuck" with this product. Once you get past the initial shock and awe of being told what the company is going to do with a tried and tested product and that you are going to have to develop the campaign for it, your first thought, "What's my market?" I can't think of too many.

Your second thought? How are we going to name this thing? I mean, we've got to get Mint in the title right, so when we come out with different flavors we're good to go. [Editor: The remaining discussion regarding the name has been removed. I'm just not comfortable talking about condoms that can make you tingle by themselves.]

So now we've got to develop the packaging. Let's use an actual picture of a mint leaf. There's no chance any botanically-challenged customers might mistake it for poison ivy. And then comes....ah, the ad. Please explain to me Mr. Trojan Marketing Man, how does a "Bright, Vivid Color" enhance the experience? Electronically tested? What, does this condom also play MP3s? Let's go with the old fashioned mechanical testing please. Give it a stretch, if it doesn't break we'll call it a day.

I haven't laughed this hard over a product in quite a while. But it's still only #4 on the list of Disastrous Projects for Marketing Professionals. Topping that list is none other than the wonderfully nauseating Potted Meat Food Product. Found in your local supermarket, sitting on the shelf next to Spam and other marginally edible meat by-products this special little number can make most people run for a refreshing glass of water after seeing the can.

To truly appreciate the dilemma facing our trusty Armour or Hormel junior marketing executive we only need to turn the can and read the ingredients:

"INGREDIENTS: Chicken, Beef Tripe, Partially Defatted Cooked Pork Fatty Tissue, Beef Hearts, Partially Defatted Cooked Beef Fatty Tissue, Water, Salt", etc.

If you couldn't get past the third ingredient you are not alone. You know these marketing guys scoured the FDA regulations to determine what language they could and couldn't use. No one in their right mind would put the word "tissue" on a food product unless a law forced them. "Food Product," that's the other good one. What is it about this stuff that requires them to call it a Food Product. Not "Potted Meat." Not "Potted Meat Food." It's got to be labeled a Food Product. My guess is a certain percentage of cartilage. But I'm no expert.

My only recommendation, despite the best efforts of their respective marketing professionals, try to avoid these two products. And please, please, don't even think about using them together.

Regardless of the product, spread the word.