Use the Correct Tool Jackass

Just a brief note to all you so-called computer users who don't seem to understand which software application to use for your various tasks. Specifically all you wankers who think it's a good idea to write a novel using Microsoft Excel.

If you want to write a book (paper, request for proposal, or any other text heavy document) use the proper tool, it's called Microsoft Word (or any other Word processor, I'm not pitching MS products, just assuming you're using the same tool as the rest of the lemmings.)

W O R D. You use them to speak (barely) and to write (I use the word loosely), now use it to capture your WORDS. Excel is for numbers, jackass. In Excel, look under tools options. Do you see a Grammar checker? No? That's because you shouldn't be writing sentences in Excel!

"But Excel is so easy!" (slap). [The only thing I can think of is that they like Excel because of the row and column layout.] Hey, fart knocker, you can create tables in Word. They have rows and columns and everything. You can move them around, resize them, whatever you want.

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm starting a petition, since it's the new "in thing" to do. This is a petition to the Microsoft marketing team with the purpose of having them change the names of Excel, PowerPoint and Access. I am recommending the names Numbers, Slides, and Information I'll Never Use. I know the last one is a bit long, but none of the yahoos I'm talking about would even know what to do with Access anyway. They'd start the application and then sit there drooling, trying to understand why they have to save a file when they haven't typed anything yet.

So, please sign my petition.

Hey, numb nuts....here's a dead fish, go build me a fence.

For The Love of Plot Continuity

So I introduced my son to Star Wars the other day. While I'm not a fan of George Lucas as a director, the core of his work is a wonderful story, and one that non-sarcastic tykes can enjoy without reservation. I look forward to reliving my enjoyment of the films, and watching to see how even the Ewoks might have some special place in my son's heart.

I enjoy hearing him say names like Chewbacca, and especially enjoy being awaked by threats that Ben Kenobi and Luke Skywalker are going to blaster me with their starfighter made of Magnetix and imagination. My wife told me they were pushing the shopping cart down the isle and, as it began to drift, my son said, "Stay on target! Stay on target!" Equating the shopping cart and grocery isle to the Death Star's trench is no simple feat for a three and a half year old.

About mid-way through Empire Strikes Back I had an epiphany regarding a major plot element of the Star Wars saga. Sure others have found a number of inconsistencies and continuity errors. But this one is, IMO, a big one. One that I've never heard anyone else talk about (but I'm sure the Star Wars geek has already beaten this one to death like a dead tauntaun.)

So let's go back (or is it forward) to episode III. The Jedi have been destroyed, Anakin is lying, burning on a pile of ash, and the twins have been born. Yoda and Kenobi decide to hide them in an attempt to avoid the Emperor and/or Vadar from finding them. They send the girl to live with Senator Organa, where he adopts her and gives her the name Leia Organa. Thin but supportable plot. Works for me.

But then Yoda and Kenobi lose all ability to reason, apparently the Force lost faith in them and said, "Screw you, I'm going home!" With Leia safely tucked away, they give the boy to Anakin's half-brother on Tattooine, leave Kenobi to watch over him, and name him Luke Skywalker.

Hello, idiots. Why would you not give him Owen's sir name? I mean, it's not like this young Skywalker will be running around on the only planet in the galaxy where the name Skywalker might be know, right? What, is Skywalker the galaxy's version of Johnson or Smith?

Sure, Vadar didn't know Padme survived and therefore didn't know the children were alive. Nor did Yoda or Obi Wan know that Anakin was alive and in the form of Vader (at what point did they discover this?). But come on.

Lucas was obviously spending too much time birthing Jar-Jar to take a serious look at his plot details. Or did he assume that the average viewer wouldn't be able to work through who little Ani was without giving him the Skywalker name. Either way, it's weak.

Check out the cool new poll feature of Blogspot on the right.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Saw this last night, how people continue to listen to anything that this guy says is unbelievable. Based on this rant, Best Grip Mike just got a nomination for Asshat of the Year.

While he says he doesn't do sound bites, this interview was full of them. Here is my favorite:

"...we've proven we can do things like that [Medicare] and Social Security, and other things really well."

Um....I....um....did you really say "we do Social Security really well"? I know your "policy" is to only do live interviews. I HIGHLY recommend you reconsider that policy.

Part 2 will be on tonight. Plus, Glenn Beck rocks.

Asshat of the Month Award

Ah, the Asshat awards. Nothing brings out the fight in uncle Jimbo more than the battle for the title of Crown Prince of Idiocy. As usual it was a dogfight between Best Grip Mike (Moore) and his [current] insane ravings and a select few individuals whose mental powers prohibit them from applying for any job which require the use of heavy equipment. So, without further verbosity, here are the finalists:

Michael Moore: writer/director, nominated for Sicko.

Al Gore: self-proclaimed inventor of the Internet and savior of mother earth, nominated for his personal inconvenient truth (personal electric bill).

Jack Thompson: lawyer, God-fearing Republican, and crusader against the wretched hive of villainy know as the entertainment industry, nominated just for being himself.

Wow, this is a great group of nominees. We've got the man who double-fists foot-longs and uses a garden hose to drink his margaritas from a kiddie pool bashing Republicans for the poor condition of the health care system. Easy winner you say. Probably. But I haven't seen the "film" so I don't feel as those I can properly comment on the issue. Yeah, right. Sure I can.

Dear Mike, Hello [knocks on his oversized mellon] you big fat walking heart attack. The biggest problem with our health-care system isn't the cost of drugs, or the doctors, or yes, even the Republicans. It's all the fat, unhealthy bastards like you that live your lives under the freedoms and liberties of this country, not worried a bit about your health until the pseudo-meat and Cheese Whiz finally seizes up your pumper. Then it's all about how the "system" failed you. The insurance is too expensive, the drugs are too expensive, blah blah blah. The system that failed you is the one that kept your food-filled hand continually entering your mouth. Things are broken in this country because people fail to take responsibility for their own actions. As much as I'd like to keep going, the other nominees needs some airtime.

Al, Al, Al. You ignorant slut. $30,000/year in utility bills. Nice...your Honor, In light of this new evidence, I rest my case. Things are broken in this country because people fail to take responsibility for their own actions. [FYI, he's another fat bastard that's going to be taxing our health-care system in a couple of years.]

And then there's Jack Thompson. Many of you might not know him, but he will most likely be a multi-award winning asshat. I probably should have commented on him before, I must be slipping in my old age. If you do any research on this guy you'll find someone, despite his God-fearing, Republican background, that is more about regulating behavior than he is about reforming behavior.

It a nutshell, he believes that the evils (e.g. violence) of the entertainment industry, are what drive certain youth to commit crimes such as the Virgina Tech and Columbine incidents. He has specifically targeted violent video games as a key source of this anti-social behavior calling them "murder simulators". As a father, Republican, God-fearing man, and video game player, I think you're an asshat Jack Thompson. You win this month's award.

It couldn't possibly be the lack of proper parenting or the sensationalized media coverage that drive these troubled kids to violence. Millions of kids play semi-violent or violent video games. I and millions of kids have watched a coyote take an anvil to the head and plummet into a cloud of dust. superheroes beat up super-villians, cowboys shoot indians (and other cowboys). Over 99.99 percent of those children have never taken up arms against their peers. From a purely mathematical perspective all your points are invalid. The numbers just don't bear out the cause and effect you're trying to sell. Quite trying to regulate behavior and start working to reform it. Things are broken in this country because people fail to take responsibility for their own actions.

And for the record Jack, video games don't make me want to kick your ass, YOU make me want to kick your ass.