Like many of the comedy-horror films that came before it, including Bowling for Columbine, An Inconvenient Truth, and Pearl Harbor, Teeth appears to leave viewers with that fresh minty feeling of not getting their money's worthy.
The review speaks for itself, but I will say this: Show me a male dentist who'd deny service and I'll show you a liar.
Let me set the stage for this one. I loves video games. My dorkishness in this area is so complete that I still get paper magazines with video game news. I am currently playing Rock Band, an excellent game allowing players to be a rock band guitarist, drummer, or vocalist. It's fun and is a great party game. Stage set.
This is a letter to the editor found in the February 2008 issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly (or EGM for us gamer dorks):
"I don't agree with the target audience of Rock Band. African-Americans, Hispanic-Americans, and any other people who don't like heavy metal and rock are purposely overlooked. Gamers come in all races and colors, and Rock Band's songs should reflect that. They left out many of the greatest artists of all time. Disco, jazz, R&B, hip-hop, Latin, rap, and pop--where are they? My daughter asked me if the makers of the game were racist. Maybe you can answer her? -- Jon Harris"
Go ahead, reread that one. Let it sink in. Ok, so here is the wonderfully articulate, concise, and brilliant response from the editor:
"You're right--it must be a racist conspiracy. How else to explain the fact that a game called Rock Band is full of rock songs?"
Has the liberal political correctness gone so far in this country that people are going out of their way to find racial and culture bias in everthing? Look, if I could get a first person shooter where everybody had their IQs floating above their head which allowed me to quickly find my targets of opportunity I buy it in an instant. But just because game developers don't cater to my iniate desire to kill virtual idiots doesn't get me a bent out of shape. Let's take a look at this letter in detail:
"I don't agree with the target audience of Rock Band. [I'm sure your opinion is going to carry great weight in the next Rock Band product development meeting.] African-Americans, Hispanic-Americans [Aren't you racially profiling blacks and hispanics as not liking rock music. I bet that pisses off Carlos Santana and the guys from Living Color.], and any other people who don't like heavy metal and rock are purposely overlooked [Oh, they're not overlooked, they are ignored completely. BECAUSE THE GAME IS ABOUT ROCK! Did you send this same type of letter to the studio that released the movie School of Rock? Because, and I'm sure you'll agree, that movie would have been way better if Jack Black had taught the kids the virtures of lounge music]. Gamers come in all races and colors [you forgot size and shape. Like yours, "XXXL Pear"], and Rock Band's songs should reflect that [Rock Band's songs should reflect what their marketing department says will sell. Nothing more, nothing less]. They left out many of the greatest artists of all time. [This is the only statement I agree with, where are the Beatles, Zepplin, Genesis (Gabriel era), and Fleetwood Mac?] Disco, jazz [Tell me, how many gamers would know the lyrics to more than a couple jazz songs? Great, but unmarketable, music], R&B, hip-hop [sic!], Latin, rap [Yes, yes. This would be sweet, then you could have little after concert mini-games where you shoot up, bang some ho's, and pop a cap in some left coast gangsta'], and pop--where are they? [In the trash with all the other shitty ideas] My daughter asked me if the makers of the game were racist. [Let me guess, either A) you are too liberally biased to care about teaching her the fundamental principles of capitalistic economics, or B) you are just too damn stupid to provide her the answer]. Maybe you can answer her? [John you fucking wanker. As if the rest of your letter wasn't a dead give away, here you step right up and declare "I'm a liberal asshat looking for anyone other than me to raise my daughter." And who do you turn to? The media. Wow, the socialist circle of life is complete. Maybe you should have given your daughter a project to write a letter to the publisher of Rock Band where she could explain her feelings and ask for the reasoning behind the selection of music for the game. No, that wouldn't serve your agenda (I'm probably giving you way too much credit here, assuming that you're not just a lemming). You are the bane of my existence Jon Harris, you represent a group-think that is destroying the very fabric of my country. If you want a Rap Band game then GO FUCKING MAKE ONE!] -- Jon Harris"
P.S. You'll soon be the proud father of an 18 year-old, welfare-addicted mother of two+ with no future. Does it really matter if she knows how to play John Lee Hooker's Huckle Up Baby on a plastic guitar?
Just when you think it can't get any more strange. This video gets released.
Uncle Jimbo's Random Thoughts on the video:
Tom, you are indeed one of the most mentally unstable people I have ever seen. How do I know? You're laugh. There are three categories of laughs:
You, you crazy wanker, have you're own special category. Tell me how much money has it cost you to "earn" the right to call yourself a scientologist? "Create new and better realities" and "effectively change peoples live". Wow, that's inspiring. But I can think of only one way YOU could do that. STOP MAKING MOVIES!!!!
Best line: "I won't hesitate to put ethics in on someone else." [Note: No editorial comment needed]
"You're either on board, or your not on board." Yep, you nailed it, just two types of people. I'm just glad I don't even have a ticket to Kooksville, let along being on the departing train.
You mention a lot of stuff you scientologists can solve. But can you prevent freezer burn? Can you really cure Restless Leg Syndrome without the use of Mirapex? No? I didn't think so.
Watching the toothless gears of your brain turn makes you look like an uneducated dolt from Syracuse, New York.
Here's to hoping you someday meet a real live SP, and he/she does "it" (whatever "it" is) to you, to your face, to your spleen, and to your unborn children.
I'm sure many of you lay awake at night wondering what Uncle Jimbo got for Christmas. Well let me tell you. My wonderful wife got me a super sweet present this year. A book that touched me deeply, reaffirmed my faith in [some of] humanity, and generally didn't make me want to burn it. And, unlike most of the crap that comes from the skull [Note: the term brain specifically left out of this discussion] of one Michael Moore, this book was non-fiction.
For those of you take my recommendations seriously, well as seriously as you can take recommendations from a guy like me, with a name like Uncle Jimbo, get a copy of this book. Read it, and then give it to someone else to read. Pay it forward, so to speak.
The masses: "So what's the book already?"
Ok, ok, settle down people. The book, referred to here after as "The Second Most Important Book in the World," is Michael Moore is a Big Fat Stupid White Man. Get it, read it, pass it on. That cow Oprah will never have this as her book of the month, but she and Moore graze at the same buffet, if you know what I mean.
Warning: This contents of book will bring to light things that will shock, annoying and down right piss you off.
My closing thought. I can think of no better present to give to a college student to protect them against the crockumentaries and other liberal trash they are bombarded with on a daily basis. Michael Moore, you have been exposed. The Truth is out there, and it makes you look like a narcissistic asshat.
So I hear you got bounced out of the playoffs. That's too bad. So tell me what sucks more, that your little brother made it further than you did, or that you're going to have to watch Brady hoist another Lombardi trophy.
Brady taking that TD record away probably doesn't help either, does it? Still sort of interesting though that Brady was able to win three Superbowls with some fairly average talent at RB and WR. I mean, they won one with Antowain Smith and Troy Brown as their two big "weapons" (don't get me wrong Troy Brown has had a good career, but he's no Marvin). Huh, now that I think about it you just lost to SD and they were without their three best offensive players. But fear not, there are a bunch of "one and done" QBs out there. Like Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson. And hey, you can also always look down on Captain Futility, one Jim Kelly.
But shucks, it doesn't matter does it. You have all sorts of time to do the things you enjoy. Like practice your new pre-snap hand gestures or work on Madden 08. Hey, does Brady kick your ass in that too? Oh, probably not. When he's not playing football (for the 6 weeks between the Superbowl and mini-camps) he's out scoring with hot chicks, not dorking around with video games. Sorry, just a random thought. You've also got that ad career going to don't you. Like that one where you're the Sony TV pitch man.
You know the one, where you come into someone's house uninvited, say "hey, that's a Sony TV", and plant your ass on the couch while pulling the "make room for me because I'm the King of So Close". If you pulled that in my house I'd slider over, hand you a beer, and then punch you in the junk as hard as I could. Beer spillage or not. Oh, and let's not forget the Pep Talk commercial where you suggest those of us with mini-vans should put flame decals or a number 18 on it so it's not quite so lame. The only 18 I'd put on my mini-van is one on the jersey you're wearing as you hang from my grill.
So here's to you Mr. Pouty Face. Here's to you Mr. Head Hung Low Looking For the Manhood You Recently Lost. Enjoy your lone Superbowl ring, and keep it in a safe place. It's going to be your only one.
Boy, I guess Uncle Jimbo sort of sucks at pep talks.
*Picture courtesy of NFL.com and the San Diego Chargers
How this guy found his way out of the womb is beyond me. The real question is, what was his angle? What did he hope to gain by this charade. Those of us with multiple active brain cells may never know.
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