Question of the Week

So here's one to ponder. Let's say that you invent a time machine. Standard theory is that time travel into the future is possible assuming the theory of relativity and something that can move your ass at near the speed of light. I'm not talking about travel into the future. I'm talking about bending or breaking a few rules and being able to send objects back in time.

What do you do with it?

My answer is very simple. I patent it and then I sell it to UPS. Think about it. You get a knock on your door. You answer it and there's the UPS man. He hands you a package. You say, "Hey, I didn't order anything."

"You will."

It's at that moment that the "Power of Brown" marketing campaign will all make sense. (Okay, not really. That's one of the most retarded marketing ploys ever. There's that one guy that says, "Things got a whole lot easier once I plugged into the big brown machine." Um....okay. To each his own. Good luck with that and here's the number for the free clinic.)

I would suggest, of course, that UPS label these packages Plaid. UPS Plaid, when it absolutely, positively, has to be there yesterday. I'd also suggest that the pricing structure look something like this. (All prices list are for a standard 1lb UPS letter package.)

Earlier Same Day: $200,000
Yesterday: $50,000
Last Week: $25,000
Beyond 7 days: $5,000

You know damn well that if someone realizes they need something they're going to act on it right then. Most idiots won't realize they can order it whenever. We reward the intelligent and punish the stupid. That's my kind of pricing model.

Of course we'd probably also have to implement rules so people can't send back winning lottery tickets, or try to ship themselves back (in the process breaking federal and universal laws) to take a mulligan with the girl in New Orleans. Whoa, speaking of the Big Easy, think about all the stuff that would be going back in time because of Katrina. We might see a UPS trailer parked outside Nagin's office. I can hear myself rolling around in the money as I type. Now, where did I put the internet plans for that flux-capacitor.