Priceless Pep Talk for Peyton Manning

So I hear you got bounced out of the playoffs. That's too bad. So tell me what sucks more, that your little brother made it further than you did, or that you're going to have to watch Brady hoist another Lombardi trophy.

Brady taking that TD record away probably doesn't help either, does it? Still sort of interesting though that Brady was able to win three Superbowls with some fairly average talent at RB and WR. I mean, they won one with Antowain Smith and Troy Brown as their two big "weapons" (don't get me wrong Troy Brown has had a good career, but he's no Marvin). Huh, now that I think about it you just lost to SD and they were without their three best offensive players. But fear not, there are a bunch of "one and done" QBs out there. Like Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson. And hey, you can also always look down on Captain Futility, one Jim Kelly.

But shucks, it doesn't matter does it. You have all sorts of time to do the things you enjoy. Like practice your new pre-snap hand gestures or work on Madden 08. Hey, does Brady kick your ass in that too? Oh, probably not. When he's not playing football (for the 6 weeks between the Superbowl and mini-camps) he's out scoring with hot chicks, not dorking around with video games. Sorry, just a random thought. You've also got that ad career going to don't you. Like that one where you're the Sony TV pitch man.

You know the one, where you come into someone's house uninvited, say "hey, that's a Sony TV", and plant your ass on the couch while pulling the "make room for me because I'm the King of So Close". If you pulled that in my house I'd slider over, hand you a beer, and then punch you in the junk as hard as I could. Beer spillage or not. Oh, and let's not forget the Pep Talk commercial where you suggest those of us with mini-vans should put flame decals or a number 18 on it so it's not quite so lame. The only 18 I'd put on my mini-van is one on the jersey you're wearing as you hang from my grill.

So here's to you Mr. Pouty Face. Here's to you Mr. Head Hung Low Looking For the Manhood You Recently Lost. Enjoy your lone Superbowl ring, and keep it in a safe place. It's going to be your only one.

Boy, I guess Uncle Jimbo sort of sucks at pep talks.


*Picture courtesy of NFL.com and the San Diego Chargers

Wrong Number Indeed

How this guy found his way out of the womb is beyond me. The real question is, what was his angle? What did he hope to gain by this charade. Those of us with multiple active brain cells may never know.

No Comment

A friend sent me this article. I'm left speechless for a multitude of reasons, doubting my own ability to identify stupidity. Zoinks, maybe my retart-o-meter isn't nearly as good as I thought. Maybe you'd like to comment.

Unnecessary Signs

We've all seen them, the signs that are posted warning stupid people to avoid stupid actions. For example, I'm getting my hair cut yesterday and I see this sign:

"Please, do not use your cell phone while you are getting you haircut. Thank you."

Seriously, do we really need this sign. I don't know about you, but I'm smart enough to know that talking on the phone and having someone runs scissors around my head aren't a good mix. Sort of like having an all-you-can-eat buffet at the Cannes Film Festival. You know Michael Moore is going to be at the festival, and you know he didn't leave his appetite in the states. It just doesn't make sense, and it's definitely not good business.

Is taking that call during your cut really worth the risk of an Edward Scissorhands moment? So I ask again, do we really need this sign? If I were the provider of said hair cut, I wouldn't bother with the sign, I'd just give the dumb ass a hack job that would make Bill Gates' hair stylist proud. One of two things is going to happen, either the bleeding asshat realizes his mistake and doesn't use the phone again, or he goes somewhere else for his next hair cut. Either way you win. No sign necessary.

These signs are preventing stupid people from learning valuable lessons. That is a big problem for me. Pain, suffering, and humiliation are excellent teachers. They should be used all the time, whenever possible.