Don't Throw Out Those Cans

I'm pretty sure that if you work for a corporate HR department, and solid sexual harassment policies are as dear to you as double footlongs with chili are to Michael Moore, you should avoid including images like this one in your HR newsletter. Even if it is only an article on an upcoming food drive.









Tisk, tisk. You really should know your slang a little better. Cans: Slang for a woman's breasts. All HR departments should have at least one man on staff to proof read anything that leaves the department.

It's obvious that women don't keep up on these things. Laughing out loud, I showed the newsletter to my wife and she had no clue why the image was funny. Which leads me to believe that women may think they understand men and know what we're thinking, but in reality they're as clueless about us as we are about them.

Fact: Men have over 200 terms that can be used to refer to women's breasts. And we're making up new ones all the time.

Fact: Men are stupid. In our attempt to “not get caught,” we make up these new terms. Turns out, women have better things to do than figure out our juvenile language games. Damn, we could have been using cans and ta-tas all along.

Common Sense Prevails...If Only For a While

These types of stories still amazing me. I'm not sure which I'm more amazed at: being offended by a toy, or banning "offending material" because one person complains. If someone crapped on my dinner my first response wouldn't be to take offense. I would think, "Damn! What did I do to this guy? He doesn't look familiar." Now that may make me thick-skinned, but there's no reason that people have to get all worked up over business that isn't theirs.

Take the person in this article, getting offended by a toy pig. Hello. It's made out of plastic, or cloth, or some otherwise non-offensive material. How can a toy, made out of a non-offensive material offend you? Get real. If you don't like it, don't look at it. Does even the word "pork" offend you? Yes? Good...pork...pork, pork, pork...pork. PORK, PORK....PORKPORKPORK.

You know what would happen if I got to decide what was offensive and what wasn't, people would either wear burlap sacks and brown paper bags or they would be naked (women only thanks). Only naked isn't entirely true, 98% of everyone would have duct tape over their mouths. Not because what they say is offensive, but how they say it. I just don't want to listen too them.

Gone would be the Oxygen network, Fox executives, John Madden, and people who use the phrase "mute point". Out would be mushrooms, greeting cards, and all holidays other than Christmas and the 4th of July. Every member of congress would be looking for a job, and Best Grip Mike would be providing legally enforced community service at the weekly Young Republicans meeting.

But, as a white protestant male I have no individual authority. So I have to learn to suck it up. I have to listen to pop-rap music when I'm in the mall, watch my beloved sports succumb to corporate sponsorship (I've got your Degree All-in Moment right here!), try to figure out what all the colored ribbons and bracelets are for (like I care), and endure advertisements for all sorts of feminine products on television.

So all you people out there that think you've got something to be offended about; Kiss My Ass, I'm offended by you. My sensibilities are assailed on a daily basis but you don't see me go whining to HR. If you don't like it leave. Go to France, whining is a national pastime there. Or better yet, go to California. Based on current events and the overall mass of Michael Moore that slide into the Pacific can't be far away.

This Week in DVD

My wife and I watched Exorcist: The Beginning this weekend. If only I'd listened to them and watched just the beginning. I could have avoided an hour (or more) of convoluted plot twists, bad acting, and a complete lack of scariness.

Everything that was right about the original was wrong with this movie. And since I choose to not relive this atrocity again, I simply give this movie the double thumbs down. If you've wondered whether this movie is any good you've already wasted too much time on it.

Only way this movie could have gotten worse is if Ben Affleck had played the lead character. Which leads me to the question of the week.

Who is the worst big budget actor/actress working today?

Question of the Week

So here's one to ponder. Let's say that you invent a time machine. Standard theory is that time travel into the future is possible assuming the theory of relativity and something that can move your ass at near the speed of light. I'm not talking about travel into the future. I'm talking about bending or breaking a few rules and being able to send objects back in time.

What do you do with it?

My answer is very simple. I patent it and then I sell it to UPS. Think about it. You get a knock on your door. You answer it and there's the UPS man. He hands you a package. You say, "Hey, I didn't order anything."

"You will."

It's at that moment that the "Power of Brown" marketing campaign will all make sense. (Okay, not really. That's one of the most retarded marketing ploys ever. There's that one guy that says, "Things got a whole lot easier once I plugged into the big brown machine." Um....okay. To each his own. Good luck with that and here's the number for the free clinic.)

I would suggest, of course, that UPS label these packages Plaid. UPS Plaid, when it absolutely, positively, has to be there yesterday. I'd also suggest that the pricing structure look something like this. (All prices list are for a standard 1lb UPS letter package.)

Earlier Same Day: $200,000
Yesterday: $50,000
Last Week: $25,000
Beyond 7 days: $5,000

You know damn well that if someone realizes they need something they're going to act on it right then. Most idiots won't realize they can order it whenever. We reward the intelligent and punish the stupid. That's my kind of pricing model.

Of course we'd probably also have to implement rules so people can't send back winning lottery tickets, or try to ship themselves back (in the process breaking federal and universal laws) to take a mulligan with the girl in New Orleans. Whoa, speaking of the Big Easy, think about all the stuff that would be going back in time because of Katrina. We might see a UPS trailer parked outside Nagin's office. I can hear myself rolling around in the money as I type. Now, where did I put the internet plans for that flux-capacitor.