Saddam Trial: Shocking Turn of Events

Most people who've followed the Saddam trial assumed it couldn't get any more weird. Lucky for us, they were wrong.

In statements made today Saddam claims that this was just a big misunderstanding. This misunderstanding stems from the fact that he is, in fact, an alien named Sybok from a distant planet called Vulcan. And what's more, he has time traveled from the future in an effort to find himself. "You see, my people have suppressed their emotions for many thousands of years, but there are those who believe this is a mistake. I came to late 20th-century earth to explore my emotions, this lead to that and the next thing I knew I was running a country with an iron fist....what better way to understand myself than as a sadistic dictator?"

Indeed. When asked about why he just doesn't return to his own time and place to avoid the trail and inevitable execution his only response was, "I've polluted the timeline enough...I can speak no further on the subject of time travel. But I'll tell you this, if a Bush descendant had been running things when Vulcans landed on earth there's no way Vulcan would have joined the Federation....ooops. Forget I just said that. Down with Bush!"

Now I'm no temporal expert, but I had to ask, "But Saddam, let's assume for a minute that your claims are true, aren't you polluting the timeline even more by bringing all this out?"

"Excellent point. But that is in fact my goal. If temporal authorities are monitoring the past they will see this as a ripple in the timeline and be forced to take action and return me to my own time, thus restoring the integrity of the timeline."

I thought I was following, but again my string theory is a little rusty. "Wouldn't that only create a new divergent timeline leaving this one corrupted forever?"

"Who are you to question me you American pig-dog. I seek Sha Ka Ree. And no backwater 20th-century earth civilization is going to find me guilty of being anything other than a high life form. No more questions."

In his written statement Saddam made reference to several trips through time, all in an attempt to find the fabled Sha Ka Ree. In addition to this shocking announcement, Saddam also signed Rick Berman to write the teleplay for his made-for-TV movie. "I just wish I'd thought of this, it's brilliant. You can never have too many time travel stories.", said Berman from his mountain retreat, where he and life partner Brannon Braga were plotting the destruction of another quality Hollywood franchise over bagels and mimosas.

So you decide, crazed ex-dictator using the Chewbacca defense:



Or time-traveling, emotionally-challenged Vulcan just trying to get home:



You make the call.

Superbowl Recap

Here are my random thoughts on the event yesterday:

• Thank God those lame Seahawks didn't win
• What was with the love handles on Mick's arms?
• I think Madden was using, when is the last time he was that invisible
• Ben, great vision and improv on that deep ball...but the throw still sucked
• What the hell happened to the commercials; this was without a doubt the worst collection of SB commercials in years
• Didn't Seattle have an MVP on their roster?
• Hey Holmgren; I'll be teaching a seminar to high school coaches this summer in clock management, I'll send you an invite
• Does anyone else think Roethlisberger plays like the love child of Bradshaw and Stewart
• Just when you thought the Seahawk receivers had figured out how to catch the ball Jeremy Stevens proves us wrong
• It could have been a lot worse...we could have suffered through a Superbowl with Payton Manning. At least Big Ben knows how to improvise.

I didn't watch all of the post-game show, but I bet the Roethlisberger speech went something like this:

"Wow, this is great....almost as great as having a fathead from fathead.com. I mean it's the trophy. It's like all silver and stuff. Oh, I'd like to thank the organization, my parents, all the people that buy the stuff I do commercials for, and last but not least, I'd like to thank the defense for not putting me in a position where I'd have to win the game. That was really cool. Oh yeah, and thanks to Antwaan for throwing that TD. Made things a lot easier on me. Buy a fathead! Peace out."

Strange Gift

I had someone drop a package off at my desk today. It was a largish triangular tube. It was odd because I wasn't expecting anything. The shipping label said it was from some guy named Chris Harris in Florida. I don't know a Chris Harris.

So I opened the package and in amongst the packing peanuts is an umbrella. A full-sized umbrella. It's blue and white with a logo for Harper , VanScoik and Company LLP. They are CPAs and business advisors operating in Florida. I'm happy for them, they must be making a lot of money if they can randomly send out umbrellas to people they don't know. Having rarely received an unexpected shipment at work, and having never received an umbrella as a gift I have to say I'm a little unnerved.

Not like Halloween unnerved, more like I Know What You Did Last Summer unnerved. Now I get the umbrella metaphor for the CPAs, but why the hell are they sending it to me. It creeps me out. What am I going to get next? A body bag from some unknown car dealer? Wait, I guess that's not really a metaphor, it's more like a warning.

Here's my warning: Beware companies you don't know giving you things you won't use. Ah, the power of poorly planned and improperly executed marketing strategies. Makes me proud to be a capitalist. Anyone need an umbrella?

More Proof of the White-Trash Gene

It's only a matter of time until scientists isolate the gene that compels people to live in double-wides, put their muscle cars on blocks for years at a time, and perform seemingly senseless acts of bad parenting.

Just another example. Apparently their trunk was full of Old Milwaukee empties or they could have brought the kids along. Jerry must be so proud.

"I didn't think I'd be gone that long...", hey you dumb skank those are your children.

Must run for office. Must get mandatory sterilization bill passed. Must control Fist of Death.