Point/Counter Point: Censorship

Hello, I'm Ted Chopel. In this installment of Point/Counter Point we'll be bringing in a guest debater (dare I call him a master?), Colonel Dutch Mustard to address the Counter Point, why censorship is not acceptable in an America founded on freedom of speech and a strong desire to flip-off the royals. Dutchy, as his friends call him, has recently had a blog comment removed for inappropriate and offensive content.

Opposing him is our own Uncle Jimbo with his views on why censorship is sometimes a necessary evil in modern America where pornography, violence, and the inane ramblings of Hollywood personalities and make-believe personae are so readily accessible
to small children and the below-average American. Uncle Jimbo was the blog admin responsible for removing said comment.

Uncle Jimbo, it's your blog, you have the floor.

Thank you Ted. Let me start by saying that the decision to remove Colonel Mustard's post was not made easily. This is after all a free country and I strongly support the idea of freedom of speech. However I do have two general rules with which I will censor the comments and posting on this blog, and should these rules be broken I will undoubtedly be forced to remove the offensive content.

Rule 1.
Potentially offensive material will not be censored assuming it A) makes a point, B) is somewhat amusing, and C) doesn't suck (and there's the rub).

I'm not opposed to risque content, but it's got to have some redeeming value. Even this last sentence borders on inappropriate content since I had to resort to using a French word to make my point.

Rule 2.
I decide whether something makes a point, is amusing, and doesn't suck.

This rule is similar to my controversial view on improving the quality of life through mandatory sterilization of stupid people. In my thesis paper on the subject, I state simply:

"Stupid is defined as anyone not passing the Am I Worthy of Procreating
test. This test is designed, delivered, and graded by me. Period, no exceptions. Everyone lineup, single file."

Applying these rules to the recent post by Colonel Mustard I can only say, in terms even Dutch can understand, that the post stalled at the starting line. Yee-haw.

You're Counter Point Colonel?

Uncle Jimbo you ignorant slut. Firstly, I was told there would be some of them Crispee Creme Donuts here and there ain't. I was asked here under false pretenses. So I am a little #$%!@# angry. Secondly, my friends never call me "Dutchy". I don't know where you got that from. They call me "Colonel" or "Turdy"...but you ain't my friend so you and Uncle Jimbo can call me "Mister Mustard" or "Colonel".

Fourthly, why are we debating free speach here? Uncle Jimbo has made it clear by his "rules" that this forum is monitored and governed by standards he has created and not the standards of our Great Land (that we will call "This Land"). However, even if one considers Roth vs. United States (1957), the Supreme Court of This Land ruled that obcene language was not, in fact, covered by the 1st Amendment. So, even if we pretend the Supreme Court has been consistent since then (see Free Speech Coalition vs. Reno, 1999) you can understand that Uncle Jimbo would still be within his rights to remove my post from his blog.

My question is, in this instance was he right to do so or did he exercise poor judgment. The answer is clearly the ladder. Uncle Jimbo posted no guidelines or rules ahead of time and only started applying rules when I started uncovering his childhood traumas. So instead of enjoying the free therapy he censored me.

[Editors Note: The remaining comments from Mr. Mustard have been censored for no good reason.]

Pet Peeve #34: Toilet Paper Abusers

To Whom it Does Concern:

Without getting too graphic, there are those of you out there that are habitual toilet paper abusers. You know who you are. You grab the end of the roll and spin it like you're the final contestant on the Price Is Right spinning the big wheel in hopes of winning some lame dining room set. Then you do this repeatedly like Barry Bonds going yard in the home run derby at the 2004 "Juicers" convention.

Either:

A. You have a neurosis regarding the cleanliness of your posterior,
B. You have a medical condition, such as IBS, causing undo stress on your trips to the bathroom
C. YOU HAVEN'T FINISHED!

Regardless of the reason please, seek help and respect the toilet paper.

Meteorology, the Devil Science

Why do we expect so little of our meteorologists? I know we all laugh about it, but why is it acceptable for them to be so wrong so often, and we all just laugh it off. Hell, I get more upset about mistakes at a McDonald's drive-thru and it's just freakin' fast food. We're talking about a profession that gets excited when they're right 50% of the time.

Yesterday was forecasted to be warm (low to mid-80s) with scattered thunderstorms. It was 93 degrees and not a cloud in the sky. How can you be off by 10+ degrees? In upstate New York with the temperature this time of year is between 35-95 that's a 16% margin for error. And don't even get me started on precipitation. I mean, they went to school for this right? What was the Freshman Orientation class like?

"Look around you, not only is there a 100% chance of you all being here in four years, but there will also be scattered additions from other degree programs. We've got it cushy and everyone knows it. Okay, so let's learn the secret handshake...."

Before I go on, let's get this out of the way. Repeat after me, "The third rule of Project Mayhem is never call weathermen meteorologists." The term meteorologist adds far too much credibility to the profession. It's very scientific sounding. There's more science involved in working a deep fryer at Wendy's. And ladies, don't be offended that I didn't use the term weatherperson, I didn't want to inappropriately categorize you (wow, it this going to generate flame mail).

As I sat in the backyard yesterday and had heat-induced hallucinations I envisioned the day my son comes home from school and I ask him what he did. "I decided, when I grow up, I want to be a meteorologist!" Why not go ahead and just tell me you want to play soccer and you'd prefer to go to the all-boys school. Make it the trifecta for your old man. It seems to be there are a number of professionals that get a bum rap compared to the devil science. So here is my first Top Five List of the blog, dedicated to our weathermen.

Top Five Professions That Don't Seem To Get More Respect Than Weathermen But Should

5. Advertising Executive (sure, they can suck a lot, but when they don't I usually get a laugh. I never get a laugh from the weatherman).

4. Teacher/Professor (Respect the good ones and teach your children to do the same. Treat the bad ones like weathermen.)

3. Project Manager (Oh, sorry. I thought this was the list of professions that should get less respect than weathermen.)

2. Actor/Actress (Oops, ditto)

1. Prostitute (Assuming you pay them enough they're "right" 99.9% of the time)

There's a 50% chance I'll blog again tomorrow.

A letter to Rick Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

You SUCK. Don't get me wrong. This is not the minor suckage you feel when you stub your toe, drop your ice cream cone, or get slapped by a girl for making an inappropriate comment about her sister. This is major suckage like when you finally admit to yourself that George Lucas can't write a lick of dialog, you realize today's pro athletes can't get by without a morning shot in the ass of something from modern medical science, or some IQ-challenged Fox executive didn't think FireFly had what it takes to be a successful television drama.

Star Trek is dead, and you are the triggerman. You brought about the downfall of one of the best and most profitable media franchises ever. How's that feel? If Mr. Roddenberry were still alive I can only believe he would have bitch-slapped you out the Paramount doors long ago. Why the other Paramount executives haven't done the same for your ineptness is beyond me.

I'm not going to get into the grueling details regarding your short-comings as a writer and producer, but I could. I'll simply say that you took a great thing and pissed it away. Every time you got closely involved in a series it died a slow, painful death. The movies, generally, were nothing but poorly constructed episodes. It's only due to some of the excellent talent around you that things weren't worse.

And then came Enterprise, the show that would revive the franchise. It was a great idea; tell the story of the beginning of the Federation. But you Berman'ed* it. A temporal cold war? You and your staff had virtually limitless story possibilities and the best you could come up with is another time travel plot line? You are an idiot.

Now let me get to the point. I am asking, no I'm begging (but I'm not going to take back anything I've said so far, so don't ask) for you to not be directly involved in any future Star Trek projects. Find someone talented, like Ronald Moore, to lead and manage the next project (if there is one). Have you see Battlestar Galactica? It's what Enterprise could have been. Compelling characters, interesting stories, and cool (but not overstated) special effects. I hope you lie awake at night thinking about what it could have been.

I hate you.

Sincerely,
Uncle Jimbo

P.S. There is an error on the StarTrek.com web site. It has you mistakenly listed as "Creator" and not "Destroyer".

P.P.S. Please do not get involved in the following television shows (they don't suck!):
24
Lost
Battlestar Galactica
Alias (although current plot trends lead me to believe you may already be dabbling)


* Berman'ed^TM: The 21st-century equivalent to "Jumping the Shark"