Occam's Razor

Call me old fashioned, but where have all the good horror movies gone? Sure we still have the occasion classic B-movie remake/revisioning, but new IPs almost all fall into what I refer to as dismemberment flicks. During the heyday of the horror movies, we had quality suspense films, slasher flicks, and a variety of other sub-genres that provided options for those of us who like to be scared silly. Everything now is ultra-violent, with an over abundance of visible brutality. Hitchcock has got to be yelling, "Cut! Who wrote this crap!" in his grave.

Which is a great segue to this gem, from Hostel II director Eli Roth.

Eli Roth, William of Occam. William of Occam, Eli Roth. You two should talk. Eli, before you two have a battle of wits, let me get you warmed up...you're going to need it. You think that your movie tanked because of piracy. Let's look at the number. $8.7 million opening week (6th place), with only an expect $30 in domestic ticket sales. Nice, bet the studio is proud.

So let's dissect your allegation. You claim that "pirates" ruined your movie. [Note: Generally, bringing awareness to pirates is a good thing, as I'm a big fan of most pirates (excluding butt pirates).] But your claim isn't really that a pirated version made it's way into people hands, who watched the film and then elected (for whatever reason) to not buy a ticket to your film. This is the traditional claim of lost revenue to piracy, direct revenue loss due to grey/black market product. You decided to take a different approach and blame not only the pirates, but also the disreputable reviewers/critics who are out to get you. Let me break this down for you very simply, I see that William is smelling blood and is getting impatient.

You contend that people across the country who would have gone to your film but didn't, did so because they read the jaded reviews of a handful of venge-filled critics who acquired a version of your film from pirates. Hey William, you're on deck.

Eli, you ignorant slut. You assume that the average movie-goer reads or cares about what movie reviewers say. You assume that there are a plethora of reviews who are willing to risk their livelihoods to torpedo your so-called career. And you assume that none of the following could possibly be true:

Uncle Jimbo's Top Ten Reasons Why Hostel II Won't Break $30million (created using the simple theory of William of Occam's razor)

10. Made a tough decision, "Dancing with the stars" won.
9. Thought the film was made by Eli Manning, knew the ending would be a letdown.
8. Saw the first Hostel.
7. There are a zillion better things to do on a summer weekend that go pay $30 for a sensory beating in a dark, smelly theatre.
6. Huge NASCAR event this weekend cut into your ticket sales.
5. Saw the first Hostel.
4. You titled your film Eli Roth's Hostel: Part II. That implies that people know or care who you are, like you're Tarantino or something. People won't go see it because they're not "in the know".
3. All the would-be serial killers where planning their summer.
2. People want their horror genre back. Less gore, more scare.
1. The movie blows. Word travels fast.

Have at 'em William.

P.S. Eli, Piracy won't kill your DVD sales, your movie will kill your DVD sales.

Where was Uncle Jimbo?

I know many of you were wondering, what happened to Uncle Jimbo? It's quite simple actually. I was traveling the world in search of truth, American Justice, and the secret ingredient to KFC. (You know, the ingredient that makes you crave the stuff once a year despite the fact that you've puked the last five times you've eaten it.)

Don't believe me? Good, I wouldn't either. Fact is, while I've had comments on a bunch of different things the following issues got in the way:

A) My life
B) Specifically, my family
C) My job (yeah I know, "what the hell?")
D) A lack of sarcastic response

Little did I know that I was being impacted by something that afflicts nearly 290 million Americans. Diminished Sarcastic Response Syndrome or DSRS. Nearly all of you have it, and you don't even realize it. I thought I was fine, but guess what? I was right. LOL.

What did you think I was about to break into some infomercial for some drug called Blowmax that would increase my sarcastic response? Please. You either have it or you don't. And Uncle Jimbo's still got it. I also think my three year old has it.

We were sitting on the couch the other day talking and he asked me a question about something. So in typical fashion I expounded on the subject in an adult-like, but understandable-to-a-three-year-old way. When I was done he said, "Thanks for explaining that Dad." He's three, with a good sense of humor. I paused. Matter of fact tone? Check. Contextual understanding? Check. Open for interpretation? Check. I had to admit to myself, I may have just been smacked with my sons first sarcasm. Then again, he's a polite boy. He may have been sincere. Either way it was a very proud moment. Polite sarcasm......(insert insidious laughter here)

Burgers + Camera Tricks + Little People = Head Scratch

So I see this commercial for Burger King the other day. First, I have to say that I'm really, REALLY glad that "The King" isn't the exclusive campaign for BK. That guy is super creepy. Creepy, like he's actually from an alternate dimension where giant plastic heads are the "in" thing like boob jobs and piercings are here.

So this ad has a bunch of construction workers building burgers. Of course the best way to build burgers, according BK, is to hire really small people with tiny construction equipment. But I'm not going to get into the economics of miniaturization in today's post.

Can someone explain to me, if you're using photographic or digital effects to shrink the actors and equipment down in size, why did they need to hire little people to play the roles of the construction workers? I mean, I've got to believe that the daily rate for little people actors is a bit higher than your average "waiter turned daytime soap star" actor right? What am I missing?

Is there some written or implied rule of the actors guild that states that for all roles implying full time smallness (e.g. not Honey, I Shrunk the Kids) that little people must be used? Or is there some deeper, more sinister reason behind this seemingly ridiculous casting?

While not as creepy as "The King," its still just as puzzling. But, at least it's not the urban, hip-hop, eat our food cause it tastes good and you'll be "ho'in fo Mickey D ya wizzle" crap that McDonalds churns out. Man those commericals blow.

Mock The Vote 2006

Kerry should just leave politic, jokes, and other activities requiring higher brain functions to the professions. Way to go John-boy.

Now this one goes to all of you, so-called, politicians. Cut the shit. We don't want you, we don't need you, and we don't much like you. Your barb-filled diatribes are pointless and petty. You come home and you reek of lobby money and special interest whores. If only I could divorce you. Humm.....

That's it. Uncle Jimbo suggests the following voting strategy. Vote out the incumbents. That's right, we continually elect only new candidates, and we keep doing this until things start to change. No exceptions. I don't care how bad the new guy is, they all need to be sent a message.

Now do it. If, on November 5th, all the incumbants are not out, I'm going to find every last one of you who didn't stick to the plan and I'm going to Roshambo you.