Chicken Little

Nothing pisses me off more than.....wait a second. I think I use that phrase too much. I mean, in reality there should only be one thing that gets labeled as "Pisses Me Off More Than Anything Else!" Boy.....um.....what would that be. I mean there are sooooo may things to choose from. Oh yeah, stupid people. That’s definitely number one. But maybe that's not specific enough. I mean, I'd need a pretty big label. I don't think they make labels that big. Yeah, a big sticky "for stupid people" label. That would be sweet. Like a giant fly trap for stupid people. I could lay it out in a parking lot and put up a sign “Free Money”. Eh…too much work. I could just get a lot of little ones and slap them on peoples foreheads. That sounds like a lot more fun.

Anyway where was I. Oh yeah, this week’s labelee is the author of the following letter. It is from the Gotta Vent section of a local advertising rag. I have some comments when you’re done reading and you've picked yourself up off the floor. Yeah I know....shocking. Jimbo has comments.

I am sick of seeing my neighbors tree branch hanging at least 6 inches over the property line into MY yard. I knew this would happen the day he planted it.
At the time it was 5 feet from the line, but in just 2 years it has grown enough to where one of the branches started creeping toward the line and now it is OVER the line into MY YARD. I do not want to confront him but it just makes me sick, seeing that branch EVERY DAY in MY YARD!!!

Let’s take a look at this letter in a little bit of detail. The question of the authors gender should be dealt with first. It doesn't really matter if it’s a man or a woman, but I know all the guys reading this immediately thought “stupid bitch” and all the women thought “dumb bastard”. I believe this letter was written by a woman, and here’s why. If she can tell the different between 6 and 9 inches from her kitchen window, you know she’s been disappointed in the past. Secondly, she makes it a point to let everyone know she knew this would happen. The I Told You So syndrome. Third, she’s unwilling to confront the neighbor, but she’ll scream from the roof tops, and the local papers, that she’s been wronged. Classic female passive-aggressive response. And finally, she states that the issue has made her sick. Maybe this is a figure of speech, but it’s my guess that this woman has actually become physical ill from worrying over this situation. A guy would take action, not sit on the toilet writing letters. Now, it was suggested to me that the author could be a homosexual male. Good point, but my money’s on a woman.

Now that we’ve settled that, let’s take a look at the stupidity of this person. Let me get this straight. She owns a home, it has a yard, it’s not flooded, blown down, or on fire (I assume this because this type of person would be bitching about these things first). You have time to write this type of letter so I can assume you are either on welfare or have a job that provides you with more than enough food. What the hell do you have to complain about? In this world full of hurricanes, tsunami, and Michael Moores, the best you can come up with to bitch about is a 6 inch twig? Oh, sorry. I didn’t insult your husband there did I? Where the hell is the husband anyway? My guess is that we’re looking at a letter from a blue-haired spinster. But that can’t be because the woman knows how to SCREAM in electronic communications. That would be an indication of youth.

Are you such a sad little person that you’ve actually been watching this tree grow, waiting for the day you could write this letter? That branch doesn’t make me sick. You make me sick. The thought that you’ve had the privilege to be born and grow old in this country while others in this world only dream of such wondrous luck. I hope the tree falls over INTO YOUR YARD and CRUSHES YOU AND CRAPPY LITTLE HOUSE. That would truly be a sad day…FOR THE TREE.