Play Football in a French Maid Outfit

Football season is upon us and that can only mean one thing. Fantasy football is killing work productivity everywhere. Years ago fantasy football was for the true football fan. Players would pour over stats in the newspaper and watch all the football they could on three channels. Now you’ve got internet sites, magazines, and television shows devoted to the subject of which player will catch more passed or gain more yards this week. With this influx of information we’ve seen an influx of new players, people that probably shouldn’t be playing, but they’re willing to pony up their $50 or $100 league fee to take a stab. In poker we call them fish; easy money. Unfortunately you have to deal with the issues that these “easy money” players bring with them.

Here are a couple of quick questions you can use to determine if you are a fish (if you answer no to more than one of them then you are probably a fish):

1. Can you name all 32 NFL teams?


2. Can you name the starting quarterbacks for each team?


3. Can you explain the tuck rule in 15 words or less?


4. Would you say that Atlanta is more likely than Green Bay to win the Super Bowl this year?


5. Does Manning play quarterback for New York or Indianapolis?


6. Do you know that special team’s players do not ride a short bus to the stadium?


7. It is more important to watch a game in high definition for the game itself than for the cheerleaders?


8. Jeff George was run out of the league prematurely?


9. If your league bases scoring on REC, ATT, YDS, YPC, YPA, TD, TDT would you not draft a kicker?


10. Regardless of your leagues scoring system, would you prefer not drafting a kicker?

I also thought it might be interesting to outline the different types of players. If you play, you probably fall into one or more of these categories. If you don’t you’re probably not being honest with yourself.

Homer—This player just can’t put his favorite team aside come draft day. Claiming he wants to see his players play he’ll go out of his way to take players from his own team. Often this is also coupled with the concept of not taking players from arch-rival teams. Typical Homers will take players from their team 2-4 rounds before they should have been taken. Homers are dumb. Mostly because the team they follow isn’t the Patriots, but also because they take guys like Willis McGahee with the 2nd overall pick.

Hard Luck Loser—Actually a solid player, the HLL usually comes out of the draft with a team that can compete for the championship. That is until week 2 when his #1 running back blows out his knee. And then his kicker pulls a groin muscle celebrating a meaningless field goal. Of course, any player this person picks up will either get injured or simply under perform. This player is also likely to leave lots of points on their bench when 3rd and 4th tier players have a career game.

Ex-Jock—The ex-jock is the guy in high school (and possibly junior college) that thought he knew everything about girls, cars, football, etc. This attitude, despite his complete failure as an athlete and a contributing member of society, remains. During the draft he’ll rest each of 12 consecutive beers on his gut, while he shovels fists full of Doritos into his mouth. Having no clue, and thinking players have already been selected because of a cheese-stained cheat sheet, he selects players that were in their prime when he was in his. Ex-jocks are the easiest money of all.

Smack Talker—You know this guy. This guy likes to run his mouth pre-draft, at the draft, and during the entire season. He’ll rip on your players, your moves, and your mother. He could be 0-5 or 5-0 and he’ll still find a way to bust your balls. Personally I like the Smack Talker, they’re entertaining easy money who are distracted so much by their smack that they don’t pay enough attention to their team.

Gambler—This is the guy willing to fill his roster with “sleeper picks” and long shots. He’ll draft rookies, high profile backups, and anyone else he thinks he can get cheap and turn into a big find. Problem is there are only about two of those guys each year. Often he’s convinced himself that some of these players are coveted by everyone and he’ll take them rounds ahead of where they should be drafted. Occasionally they’ll win, but more likely they’ll lose and along the way develop resentment towards those players that under perform, like Michael Jackson with little boys...if they don't perform don't invite them over again.

Expert (Self-proclaimed) —No explanation needed.

Dweeb—The Dweeb spends the entire off-season developing and perfecting a points-based statistical system to stack rack each player by position. Also included in the calculations are: home/road records, day/night records, rain/snow records, altitude and heat index rankings, chunky soap cans consumed per week, law enforcement run-ins annually, cell phone calls received in the end zone per game, and total copulations with team mascots. The Dweeb then creates a spreadsheet to manage this complex system and spends hours entering the data into it. The Dweeb is most easily identified by this one simple draft-day phrase, “He’s the best value on my board.” Yeah, but he’s the second kicker you’ve taken in the first 6 rounds. Dumb ass.

(Note: The Dweeb is also likely to try to trade draft picks with you thinking that he knows exactly how the draft will play out and that the 3rd and 22nd picks are going to be more valuable than the 7th and 13th picks. What he fails to realize is that he’s drafting with a bunch of Gamblers, Homers, and other easy money that make all his calculations useless.)

Then of course there are the combos, Smack Talking Ex-Jock, Ex-Jock Homer, and of course the Smack Talking Expert (Self-Proclaimed). I hate them the most.