Death, Taxes and the Retardedness of Michael Moore

The best thing (this week) about the star of Fat Bastard: The Movie is the sheer volume of material he gives me. And I was worried about topics for this week. Let's take a close look at his recent "letter" to President Bush. Rather than craft a response to his babble I thought I'd instead comment on it point by point. Feel free to chime in with any other reactions.

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Dear Mr. Bush (why is it that people who don't respect the person can't respect the office? From now on I'll be calling this ass-hat 'Best Grip Mike'):
Any idea where all our helicopters are? Do I even respond to this asinine question? Yeah, that's the best way to get people out of the city....25 at a time. What a douche bag. Maybe what you should be asking is why, if there was a mandatory evacuation, was there no public transportation provided out of the area? It's Day 5 of Hurricane Katrina and thousands remain stranded in New Orleans and need to be airlifted. Where on earth could you have misplaced all our military choppers? Asked and answered. Do you need help finding them? Dude, you can't even see your toes....how are you going to help him find helicopters. I once lost my car in a Sears parking lot. Man, was that a drag. Actually Best Grip Mike, it was a KFC parking lot and you couldn't find your car because your glasses were covered in chicken grease.

Also, any idea where all our national guard soldiers are? We could really use them right now for the type of thing they signed up to do like helping with national disasters. How come they weren't there to begin with? Shockingly, these are marginally good questions...but how about this one? For the nation guardsmen that were in-state, why weren't they used to assist with the evacuation?

Last Thursday I was in south Florida and sat outside while the eye of Hurricane Katrina passed over my head. Yeah right, there's not a chance in hell you could fit inside the eye of a hurricane. Exaggerating to make a point is just silly. It was only a Category 1 then but it was pretty nasty. Eleven people died (9 of 11 died because they were stupid and hundreds of others were scared to the brink of death at seeing Best Grip Mike shirtless.) and, as of today, there were still homes without power. That night the weatherman said this storm was on its way to New Orleans. That was Thursday! Did anybody tell you? I know you didn't want to interrupt your vacation and I know how you don't like to get bad news. Plus, you had fundraisers to go to and mothers of dead soldiers to ignore and smear. You sure showed her! Hey fat-ass, last time I check the Constitution of the United States there wasn't anything in there about the federal government taking action on US soil without a request (or at least permission) from the state. You remember that concept right, States rights. In fact Amendment X simply says:

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

You and your kind want the federal government involved in everything. But I'm pretty sure the States don't want it that way, and most intelligent people don't either. It's not the federal governments responsibility. The state and local governments are the ones that f'ed this up.

I especially like how, the day after the hurricane, instead of flying to Louisiana, you flew to San Diego to party with your business peeps. Don't let people criticize you for this -- after all, the hurricane was over and what the heck could you do, put your finger in the dike? Seriously, does it really matter where he was. I mean, yeah showing support for the situation would have been better, but are you saying that having him "on-site" would have improved the situation? Are you telling me Mike that if you were President and something like this happened that we'd be able to pry you away from the Denny's All-You-Can-Eat Seafood Buffet?

And don't listen to those who, in the coming days, will reveal how you specifically reduced the Army Corps of Engineers' budget for New Orleans this summer for the third year in a row. You just tell them that even if you hadn't cut the money to fix those levees, there weren't going to be any Army engineers to fix them anyway because you had a much more important construction job for them -- BUILDING DEMOCRACY IN IRAQ! Read me lips....local and state governments have responsibilities for their own shit!

On Day 3, when you finally left your vacation home, I have to say I was moved by how you had your Air Force One pilot descend from the clouds as you flew over New Orleans so you could catch a quick look of the disaster. Hey, I know you couldn't stop and grab a bullhorn and stand on some rubble and act like a commander in chief. Been there done that. I'm sorry Best Grip Mike. Where were you during all of this? See, that doesn't really matter either. You see in this wonderful country we call the United States, and in this great time we call the 21st century we have things like telephones, emails, and other forms of communication that enable people, like the President, to get information and give orders without actually being there.

There will be those who will try to politicize this tragedy and try to use it against you. Um...you mean like you? Don't get me wrong, the feds dropped the ball once the states asked for help; they responded far too slowly. But the extent of this disaster is placed firmly on the shoulders of the states. Just have your people keep pointing that out. Respond to nothing. Even those pesky scientists who predicted this would happen because the water in the Gulf of Mexico is getting hotter and hotter making a storm like this inevitable. Maybe if you weren't vacationing in Florida contributing all that additional hot air the gulf coast might have been spared. Interesting, maybe I should make a documentary chronicling your vacation and subsequent involvement in growing Katrina from a Cat 1 to a Cat 5 hurricane. Retarded, left-wing conspiracy freaks might be interested. Ignore them and all their global warming Chicken Littles. There is nothing unusual about a hurricane that was so wide it would be like having one F-4 tornado that stretched from New York to Cleveland. Actually fart-knocker, it would be at least an F5, but more likely an F6 tornado. If you're going to try to sound intelligent get your facts (and scales) right. You realize that your personal size scale of small, big, and "in-my-belly" doesn't work for most people. If you had a tornado that "stretched" from New York to Cleveland, the corresponding hurricane (to scale) would be ~2100 miles across. About the length of you belt. As you can guess Katrina was quite a bit smaller than that. But it should be stated that the women in your life are right, size doesn't matter. Wind speed is where it's at with tornados and hurricanes. You're such a dumb-ass.

No, Mr. Bush, you just stay the course. It's not your fault that 30 percent of New Orleans lives in poverty or that tens of thousands had no transportation to get out of town. Wow, the first correct statement he's made. Wait, was he trying to be sarcastic. He's a funny, funny (looking) man. C'mon, they're black! I mean, it's not like this happened to Kennebunkport. Can you imagine leaving white people on their roofs for five days? Don't make me laugh! Race has nothing -- NOTHING -- to do with this! I'll save my feedback here for another time.

You hang in there, Mr. Bush. Just try to find a few of our Army helicopters and send them there. Pretend the people of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast are near Tikrit. You hang in there Best Grip Mike. Just try to find a couple more (dozen) donuts and stuff them down your throat. Pretend that there aren't hungry children the world over that would gladly lick the raspberry filling off your double chin. I hope someday soon you get diabetes.