New Orleans Mayor Finds Solice In French Rioting

It's been several months since the initial disaster of Katrina ravaged New Orleans and the rest of the central gulf coast. Since that time Ray Nagin, mayor of New Orleans, has been busy trying to help the city and it's people dry out and begin the rebuilding process. Sarcasm Inc. was lucky enough to land an interview with Mr. Nagin to get his thoughts on the city's progress as well as the recent events in France.

SI - Mr. Nagin, thank you for taking time out of your business day. Can you tell us what you've been doing since the Katrina disaster?

RN -You can call me Ray. It's been a busy time, watching the water pumping, pursuing leads on who to point additional fingers at, trying to get the new coral growth off our bus fleet. But probably the biggest task has been figuring out the new name.

SI - What new name?

RN- The new name for the city. I mean, it used to be called New Orleans, but given the amount of rebuilding we're going to do it made sense to me to rename the city. I've dedicated an entire committee to determine the new name. The leading candidates right now are: The New Orleans, Newer Orleans, and Pat O’Brien’s Hurricane Central: City of Booze and Loose Women. The last one is a little long, but I’m a big fan of corporate sponsorship.

SI- Um….okay. So what was the first thing you did when you knew Katrina was going to hit the city?

RN- Well, I thought to myself. Ray, if anyone is going to be able to do something it’s going to be you. So I hopped in my car and drove down to the pier. I stood there, as the wind and waves were beginning to pound the city, and I looked directly at the storm.

SI- And then what Ray?

RN- And then I did the only thing I could. I said, “Katrina the Hurricane...good evening. As a duly designated representative of the City of New Orleans, I order you to cease any and all destructive activity and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient Central American country.”

SI – That didn’t work so much did it?

RN – No….not really.

SI – What about your disaster plan?

RN – Oh, that thing. Yeah, I thought about that but just getting it rolling is a lot of work. I figured I’d try talking Katrina down first. Who knew?

SI – So Ray, after you realized that asking it to go away wasn’t going to help, tell us how you worked with the state to get assistance. Did you contact Governor Blanco?

RN – Yeah, I contacted her. But it didn’t help. She claimed she didn’t have enough national guardsmen. Then the dickless wonder decided not to ask for federal assistance right away.

SI – Really, is that true?

RN – Yes, she has no dick.

SI – No, I….never mind. So you seem in pretty good spirits despite the city still being in such ruins. How do you keep so upbet?

RN – Well, you might think it’s the hard working people helping to get this city back on it’s feet, the tireless work of individuals, and the never give up attitude. Honesty, between you and me, that crap makes me sick. Actually, it’s the rioting in France that’s helped get me out of my funk.

SI – How so?

RN –I look at what the French government has done to handle the situation, and I realize that useless people are put in positions of power all over the world. I’m not alone.

SI – So you think the situation could have been handled differently?

RN – Absolutely. Let’s see, the first French government response was, “Stop the rioting or we will be forced to ask you to stop again.” Now in most countries where hearing the French language spoken with a native accent is like finger nails on a chalkboard it might be an effective threat. But these people have built up an auditory immunity.

Then they escalated to, “Stop, or we will be forced to confine you to your homes.” What are you grounding teenagers? Hello, these people are setting fire to cars. You really think they’re going to adhere to a curfew?

And now the latest, “If you are convicted of participation in the rioting, you will be deported.” Um…really. I can get a free ticket out of this hole just by burning a car? Sweet.

I have a couple ideas for the French. First, start giving away free booze; beer, wine, whatever. Once they’re drunk enough, it’s highly unlikely they’ll be able to figure out their lighters. That worked for us a lot during Marde Gras. Or the better, and maybe more permanent solution, would be to call in the Germans. They’ve got lots of experience in this type of thing, they know the area, and they’re not going to take any shenanigans. I mean, thank God, most people probably don’t even remember my name now. We’ve got new governmental ineptness on the block and his name is Jacques Chirac. Way to go Jack.