Sport or Not? I'll Be the Judge

About every six months or so I'll get into a discussion with someone, an individual or a group, regarding whether or not certain activities should be considered a sport. Initially I thought we could come up with a small set of criteria to measure each activity to determine if it's worthy of the Sport label. It's not as easy as you might think. My guess is that the final criterion will be very extensive, very expensive, and take years to fully document and understand (sort of like the human genome). But hey, who cares. This is an important subject that could have far-reaching impact on future generations. Let's just borrow a little money from the Social Security program to get this project jump-started. So here they are, the first documented rules (from me) regarding the Great Sport or Not Debate.

1. Baseball, Football, Basketball and Hockey are sports. Period. No debate. If you question them, you might as well question the value of the Constitution of the United States....What? Are you kidding me. Get the hell out of my country you commie pinko.

2. Using the equipment of a verified sport (e.g. baseball bat, football, puck, etc.) in your activity does not make it a sport. For example: playing HORSE isn't a sport just because you're shooting a basketball.

3. Violence in the activity does not automatically guarantee that it's a sport, but we can overlook several rules violations if there's enough of it.

4. Coverage on ESPN does nothing to validate the activity. ESPN is the new MTV. A great idea gone bad because some idiot felt the need to broaden their appeal. It's simple ESPN: read the scores, show the highlights and broadcast the live sporting events. As much as I love poker, it's not a freakin' sport. Billiards...I don't care. Gone are the personalities and funny commercials. All we're left with is...well...Monday Night Football and a bunch of crappy "game" shows. Pardon This Interruption, you suck! You're still the best we Sports junkies have, but you suck!

5. Just because the people that participate in an activity are athletic doesn't mean it's a sport (and vice versa). Please see Cecil Fielder and Brian Boitano.

6. If your opponent is an inanimate object, it's not a sport. For example: Golf.

7. If the people you are playing with or who are watching can't taunt you, it's not a sport. For example: Golf.

8. Any activity with a penalty box is a sport. Seriously, add a penalty box to Figure Skating and I'll consider it.

9. Just because it's an Olympic event doesn't mean it's a sport. That's why they call them EVENTS and not SPORTS. See Trampoline and Synchronized Swimming.

10. Anything where you can't make at least $100,000 a year as a professional probably isn't a sport (Hockey has a special exclusion from this rule).

11. NASCAR is not a sport (It needed it's own rule).

12. Just because there is a sanctioning body doesn't mean it's a sport. For example: Competitive Eating has the International Federation of Competitive Eating or IFOCE. Enough said.

13. If taking the "Juice" won't help you in the activity, it's not a sport.

14. Activities that are really funny to watch, although I want them to be sports, aren't guaranteed the Sport label. For example: Curling.

15. Killing a wild animal such as a leopard with your bare hands is not only a sport, but it's awe inspiring. Doing it's at 73 automatically gets you into the Hall of Fame.